Karen's Blog

PIcture #12

2011-04-26T19:38:00.005-06:00

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Sleeping well ehh kinda.

Finding random pictures on my camera that I had no idea were on there? Love it!!!

Picture #11

2011-04-26T19:35:00.003-06:00

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

Picture #10

2011-04-26T19:32:00.003-06:00

Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.

Hey a girl can dream right?

Picture #9

2011-04-26T19:13:00.004-06:00

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Yeah there might be a more recent picture of the two of us but this is one of my favorites. Sure wish I knew where that sweater went .

He and I have had our ups and downs but he is always there when I need him and his advice and straight talk has pulled me through more junk than I care to remember.

Picture #8

2011-04-26T19:08:00.002-06:00

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Karen Circa 1985

Picture #7

2011-04-24T08:57:00.004-06:00

Day 07 - A picture that shows your true self.

Picture #6

2010-12-08T20:58:00.002-07:00

Day 06 - A picture of somewhere you've been.

I have been a good many places and have visited most of the western half of this country.

I have lived in lots of places.

But a cornfield will always be home.

I love to drive in the country and I love to see the fields and walk in the pivot ruts.

I may have been born a Texan but my heart belongs in a cornfield

Day #5

2010-12-01T20:01:00.004-07:00

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory....

I know I know I know I failed at my mission of blogging 30 days straight.

This was a hard picture to find.

I am just giving you a favorite memory from this year.

To process through any further back is way to much thinking.

Here's me and my Nephew Watercolor painting for the first time.

No we didn't even start out with paper.

We had a blast!!!!

Picture #4

2010-11-19T15:11:00.002-07:00

Day 04 - A picture of your night

I work days and nights so mostly my nights look like the middle of the day.

I work at a group home for Handicapped adults . I work overnights. Mostly I do house work. Dishes, laundry, cleaning,cooking for the next day, taking out trash Etc.(this may explain why the housework in my own home is lacking)

I eat lunch around 3:00am.

I wish I had a nice picture of a starry night or a bed to put here but I don't see much of my bed. And when I do get to see it I don't do alot of sleeping in it.

Picture #3

2010-11-17T16:10:00.005-07:00

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

I can't say that I have a favorite TV show. I thought and thought and thought about this for a long time and I truly can't say that I have a favorite show. I get so bored watching TV. I grew up ( in America) without a TV . I guess I just never learned to watch it or learned to follow a show. I sometimes think that I want to watch a show or something looks interesting to me but then I sit down to watch it and get bored or forget that I'm watching and walk away or fall asleep.

I just don't think that this will ever happen for me... and I am 100% OK with that.

Picture #2

2010-11-16T19:48:00.004-07:00

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

My BFF Hilary. Here we were preparing to go to a "Mad Hatter's Tea Party".

Karen

My life in 30 pictures

2010-11-16T19:08:00.007-07:00

My life in 30 pictures.

In an attempt to get back into blogging ( not that I don't LOVE LOVE LOVE to blog and read other blogs its just that I work two full time jobs and seldom have time for anything) I have stolen.(ie Copy and paste) a list of 30 pictures that are meaningful.

I hope you will stop by and check them out.

I will try to do another one everyday or every other day.

Ironically the first picture is a word picture.

How appropriate is that for a jump start to blogging?

#1 A Picture of Yourself in 15 facts.

1. I hate pizza.

2. I don't sleep with a pillow.

3. I like room temperature and slightly flat pop.

4. I call all coke, soda, and soft drinks Pop!

5. I love kids.

6.I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up.

7.I'm not sure I want to grow up.

8.I want to get a dog.

9.I love Christmas time!

10.I hate November.

11. I wish I had more time to sew and craft and write.

12.Playing piano is my stress relief and a great joy in life.

13.I want to learn to dance like my brother.

14.I hope that all of the people that I love dearly know.

15.I hate hate hate being alone.

Stop back for more.

Karen

November

2010-11-13T22:58:00.002-07:00

This just in ....

It is November 13 and I am doing ok.

November is always hard and I never quit make it through.

I am determined that I will make it this year.

I may cry everyday but I will make it.

I can do this.

Come what may this November,

I will try not to lose it.

Fresh Friday Fotos

2010-07-16T05:55:00.003-06:00

I missed my wordless wednesday this week so here they are. I didn't get the pics until Thursday so anyways here they are. Wow! Ya sorry I work nights now and sometimes I run low on sleep and ramble and make things up.

Wordless Wednesday!

2010-07-07T23:16:00.002-06:00

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-30T18:50:00.003-06:00

World of Outlaws race date with my nephew Tom.... So much fun he was out by the time the main event started! Had a blast.

It truely is :"The Greatest Show on Dirt!"

Wordless Wednesday!

2010-06-22T23:09:00.002-06:00

The Pedicure that changed the world....

2010-06-15T19:53:00.002-06:00

(I have been working on this post for a while and struggling with this in my heart as well. This is kinda an all over post. )

Well my whole world anyways

lots of things have been changing for me of late.

I went to get a pedicure this afternoon.

I walked in and I was THE ONLY customer in the whole place.

Kinda strange, I even asked if she was open . Yes she was and I had caught her at a good time because she wasn't busy.

I sit in the spa chair and stick my feet in the lovely warm water and sit back and prepared to relax.

Well that was shortly interrupted by her ripping ( no exaggeration) my anklet off my foot.

The Anklet that I have worn for ,well would have been six years next month, had she not took it off.
A very dear friend gave me that anklet/ bracelet the last time that I saw him before he went to heaven.

I told her that I wanted to put it back on right away.

In her best broken English she said " This is so old and dirty and stinky take it off and let me give massage . You will feel better. You can put on at home. Just relax here.

Sounds a lot like what I have been hearing God say to my heart. Even in the midst of all of my other stuff I have been dealing with their absence in my heart. Maybe because when I am hurting I miss them all the more. Maybe because I know that I wouldn't have gone and done half of what I have had I had to answer to J .

I have heard God say to my heart :"Bring me ALL of your heartaches".

God has been begging to take away the pain of their death and to let me relax and soak my feet in the water.

" Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I'll give you rest." Matt. 11:28

God has been with me and been amazing in my life in many new ways as of late. I just have been hanging on to my own grief. I have been hanging on to the pain afraid too let it go for fear that in letting go of the pain I just might be letting go of them in a way. Afraid of what emotion would replace my pain. Afraid of the unknown.

" Casting all your cares upon Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

I memorized tons of scriptures as a child and in college. And they really do come back to you when you need them to.When I sat in that nail shop and heard the lady echo the words I hear God telling me in my heart I also began to hear these verses in my head .

I began to cry and I really felt a peace come over me, a small peace that I haven't felt at all in my heart since they died. I really knew in my heart at that moment in the spa chair that God felt my pain.

I know that it is just a stupid old discolored plastic bracelet.
I have one heck of a tan line underneath of it .
I know that I have his name tattooed on me and that will be there forever.
I know that no matter what I will always remember and love him deep in my heart, he will be my brother forever.

I think I love this anklet more than anything else that I have of theirs because it is a way to remember him alive and not something that I got after they died.

I put my anklet back on and plan to wear it until it falls off.

I thank God that He knows my heart, He knows my pain and He knows where I get my toes done!

Karen

Wall Clock

2010-06-08T11:36:00.007-06:00

In my last blog I told you I had created a clock.

Here it is.

My friend Angie over at http://angellezpage.blogspot.com/
has 12 children .
I was wanting to give her a way to display a photo of all of her kids.
I found this idea in "Good Housekeeping." .
Went to my friend Ray who owns a clock repair shop. He hooked me up with the parts and a chart to set the photos .

I am so proud of my creation.

I wanted to share it with you.

I would love to come to your house and make one for you.

Simple Womans Daybook

2010-06-01T01:21:00.009-06:00

I was just thinking I would do something a bit lighter.

Simple Woman's Daybook for Today
June 5, 2010

Outside my window.... well I am now a creepy basement dweller and all the windows are either boarded up or painted over. Which could be bad if it floods or catches fire down here.

I am remembering...all the people that I used to know here ( Grand Island ,Ne) when I lived here long long ago before I ever left for Texas. Most of them are still here and at least half of their lives are the exact same as they used to be. Some even live in the same house. I don't ever live in the same place for to long.

I am thankful for.. that I don't live in the same place to long.

Makes it easy to leave and sometimes even harder to leave once again.

I am creating.. I just got done creating a clock for a friend. I should post that on here. Next blog.

I am going.. to get a bed and a dresser so that I can put stuff away and sleep in my own room in a BED!

I am reading.. Yikes! How embarrassing you have caught me without a book. I usually read at least two a week and sometimes two at a time. I have been kinda taking an unannounced( to me) break from reading. I love to read but sometimes I come to a dry spell. When I don't have a book of any kind in my hands.

I am hoping... to get a job that I love not a job that I need.

I am dreaming of...... Being a mother, a wife, a Best selling author, being a wind farmer. Being a success.... and inside every dream are a thousand little dreams. Head in the clouds

On my mind... a boy..... Now that's for another blog completely.

From the learning rooms... I guess I am re-learning how to get around my home town ( Grand Island, Ne.) and how to get around all this DANG construction.

Noticing that... I really can do this by myself. I am noticing that I am OK. Life is Good!

Pondering these words.. Be the change you want to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi

From the kitchen.. my new roomie James is a Grill Master . He grills almost every night. I actually haven't cooked anything in many many months. ( Note: James is the Husband of my Bestie not a code for my boyfriend whose name is ... well like I said that's for another blog )

Around the house.. My nephew is around . He is three and I love to hear him play on the floor above me when I am downstairs. And I love to play with him and I am looking forward to doing all kinds of things with him again!

One of my favorite things... Right now although I am sure it will be short lived. SLEEP! sleeping in staying up late and sleeping in.

Photo from my album. This is my namesake. Karenina on her first birthday! Which was May 19th. ( the pic has a date stamp on it that I can't get off and it is wrong. )

Dear Abuse,

2010-05-28T00:26:00.006-06:00

Dear Abuse,

I have known you all of my life you lived in my house when I was a child and have followed me everywhere I have ever been.
You have had so many first names I almost lost track of who all you have been to me.
Child abuse,child sexual abuse, emotional abuse,physical abuse ,domestic abuse, sexual abuse, abuse of money, abuse of power , verbal abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse ,and self abuse.

I thought that it was normal to have to deal with you at every turn.

But you no longer hold me up, hold me back or hold me down.

I no longer live under you and you are not a part of my life anymore.
It will be hard to find myself without you in my life, you were such a big part of who I am .
But I will be moving on now, This has been a long hard road together and you have brought so much to my life.
You lied to me and made me to believe that I can't do any better with my life.

Living with you were some of the darkest days of my life. You are the bottom. living with you wasn't all that I can be it is the least that I can be.
I have a new scale now; You are the bottom and the moon is the top.
I can now believe that there is a moon and now I am going shoot for it.

You don't own me anymore. You don't scare me anymore.
I am taking my life and all my stuff into my own hands and I will not be needing you anymore.

I am host and producer of this show now. I run things my way here.

I know that this letter arrived without a return address.
I have moved and you won't be coming to my house anymore so you don't need to know where I live now.
Our life long relationship is over.
Its not me it's you.
I just can't stand to be around you anymore.
You don't have anything that I want or need in my life.
You aren't going anywhere and I don't want to go along.

I know that I will see you around in the faces of others.
I'll pray for them.

Don't embarrass your self by knocking on my door.
Karen

Dear Cocaine,

2010-05-17T23:24:00.007-06:00

Dear Cocaine,

We have never personally met and I don't even know where you live.

You know several of my friends and family. Maybe you know of me in the same way that I know you.

The reason that I am writing to you is that I have reason to believe that you saved my life.

And for that ;Thanks are in order.

You may remember a very angry friend of yours.

He also was my husband.

I want to thank you for you keeping his anger at bay for so long and helping me to be able to live. Without you in his life I know that things would have only gotten worse for me and his anger would have been increased.

Like last time when he couldn't find you anywhere and lost control and nearly killed me twice in the same day.

He used to beat me regularly, but now that you and he are re-acquainted he has better things to worry about than me.

Things in my marriage had been getting really bad and at first you were a real strain on the pocket book.

But in retrospect I guess that is a small price to pay for my own life.

I cannot say enough thanks to you for all your hard work and generosity.

I have since left my husband, for the sake of those around him, I hope you never do.

You suit him well and make a good mate for him.

Please share this with all of your friends: Marijuana, & Methamphetamine, & any others you may meet with my Ex-husband.

Although you have been of up most service to me;

I pray we never meet again.

Karen

How bad do you want it?

2010-05-17T23:16:00.004-06:00

So , as I said last blog I would tell you more of my exit Texas strategy.

Well here it is: Get the heck out of there in the fastest way possible.

So , I started that In January, and just in case you don't have a calendar handy there with you, it is now May.

I realized somewhere around Nov. of last year that I no longer wanted to be in the relationship that I was in.

I saw some really wrong things go on and I cannot live with my conscience and let these things go on.

I realized that Tony and I no longer had anything between us. That our values very 100% different on every account.

I didn't want to spend Christmas with my family so I choose to stay until after the holidays.

In January I came to Nebraska for a visit and as I always do I longed to be "home".

I talked it over with my bestie and it was decided that I was moving home again.

I had no idea what was in store for me as I began to leave.

First of all I had to find a way to gently break this news to Tony. Finding him on a less angry day/mood is Impossible so i kept it to myself waiting for this day to arrive. it never did and things only got worse.

So, to make a LONG Complicated story short I was forced by circumstances to move into a Safe House.

A place where women go to hide because they are involved in Domestic Violence.

I thought that I could get a Protective Order and be on my way in about a week.

But like they say "Everything is bigger in Texas".

This also applies to wait time. It took me 5 weeks and 1 day to get a Protective Order.

In the mean time I am forced to hide out and wait.

I have learned that I am a horrible waiter. Its not so much impatience as I just hate waiting.

I think that I had to prove to someone somewhere that I in fact really did want to leave Texas.

In Order to leave I had a list at least a mile long of errands to run. And every errand turned into at least 3 more.
I went to get my things from storage and found out that I had to come back the next day.
I went to get the oil changed in my car and had to go back 3 times because they broke the window opener thing on my car and then they had to order the part and put it on.

I went to get a spare tire for the car which resulted in 3 trips back to the same place. Just to get a tire.

I had to get a hitch installed on my van in order to pull a trailer . They cancelled my appointment twice and then I had to pay $100.00 more than I was quoted.

SO finally the day before I am set to leave I get everything accomplished and think that it is now behind me.

The day of court I go in and am done at about 9:45 and I am set to wait for them to make me a copy of the order that the judge had just signed.

I wait until 12:15 Two and a half hours to make a copy! are you kidding me. Then I wait for a taxi to pick me up and I wait about two hours.

I then finally drive away and out of Texas! Hallelujah Jesus!

I arrive in Oklahoma where I am set to pick up a trailer and load furniture.

WRONG! THE U-Haul guy that told me he could meet me after hours to pick up a trailer. told me straight up NO he wouldn't work with me even though he told me on the phone that he would. GRRRR

Go to the house where the furniture is only to find that there is about twice the furniture there than what I had in mind .

So, we just leave and drive to outside Oklahoma City.

We just made a 150 mile excursion on to our trip that was pointless.

It is now 3 am and we stop to get a room. I have been waiting all day and I am about to burst with frustration. I take a shower and lay down and sleep.

AHHH what a glorious sleep it was!

Everything has gone to plan since then.

It was just as if the great God of Texas just had to know how bad I really wanted to leave.

I Love Nebraska! I love being home! I love being out of Texas!

And I think that I earned my freedom.

Karen

Catching You Up with me.

2010-05-16T23:39:00.003-06:00

So, as you can see I haven't blogged in a LONG time.
The ENTIRE time that I was in Texas I only blogged one time.( YIKES!)
But now that that's over I plan to blog more.

So in the last blog I put that I was back in Texas for "GOOD". Well no I'm not and wasn't I just don't think that Texas is the place for me. Not much good has come from my Texas dwelling.

I have been planning to leave Texas since December of 2009 but plans just didn't come through. (More on this in the next blog.)

I had a great big plan in my head that I could come back to Texas and that things would be right and that everything could be worked through and dealt with and we( Tony(ex-husband) and I) could overcome our past and move on. I had thought that things would be instantly good. Good being defined as: Me pregnant, well behaved children, Tony and I having our own home , him working.
But as it turned out he had a baby in December with someone else and I didn't ever even get pregnant. As it turns out his kids are worse and he is especially unconcerned with all things kids. As it turns out he wants to live in Hell( his Dad's revolving door house).
As it turns out he would rather not work and take the money that I work for and squander it.
As it turns out nothing is fine and nothing can ever be worked out between us.

As it turns out I'm not really me with him. ( never have been)

I had the support of many people and the prayers of so many more.
If you were in that praying number, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
If you were in the action group. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart. Without you I'm sure I would not have made it.

More Next time on the exit strategy.
Please tune in again.

Shotgun!

2009-09-28T13:18:00.002-06:00

So, I'm back in Texas for GOOD!
I know that I haven't been online in Way to long but lots of things have happened.
I will give you the short story and then hopefully fill you in later with the rest
I moved back to Arlington to live with the LOVES of my life!
I got a new tattoo on my shoulder blade.
I got a job that I am yet to start.

Friday, I took my littlest love to the dollar store among some of our other errands.
I told him that he could get anything that he wanted.
He settled on a gun. I told him that he could not get a gun. ( Yes, I am one of those moms)
He was very insistent that he NEEDED this gun. I asked him why and he said that Kyle and Alexis both have a gun. I told him that there are no toy guns in our home. He was very adamant that he was in desperate NEED of this gun.
I asked again why he needed this gun so badly.
He responded
" Because I never get to sit in the front seat!"

This story is sad because he didn't get the gun nor did he get to sit in the front seat.

But things are good on our side of town and busy as ever

Karen

Scooter

2009-08-14T00:10:00.002-06:00

I need you to pray for a girl that I work with

Lets just call her D
She is 17 and having a baby TONIGHT right now!!!
She is going to give the baby up to a married couple who have named the baby
Lauren Cydney

Pray for her as she goes through birthing her first child and the whole giving her up
She has never called it a baby only a "scooter" (random I know)
She has been trying to be as disattached as possible but still
I can't imagine ever having to give up a baby and never would but I understand that she is in a different place than me.

Pray for D and Baby Lauren

Karen

In town trip

2009-07-31T21:23:00.004-06:00

I got the call.

What you say "You don't even have a phone?"

This week I went on an "intown" trip with the youth from my church here.
We went to the Homeless shelter and painted the whole thing top to bottom ,inside and out.
It was a fun Jr. High Drama filled week.

There was much drama and fighting and crying and going out and breaking up and making out.

So, on the second night I gave a lesson on unity. It was a great lesson( if I don't say so myself)

It was during that lesson when I could see it in their faces and I could tell that they got it.
I felt it again!

I felt my calling again!
I was called to youth ministry at camp when I was 16 and then heard God tell me it was younger kids later on at college.

I have been teaching kids and working with kids for a long time now and have felt it every now and then.
But, it was GOOD to feel it again and to know that this is what I am called to do.

To know that my calling is real and still there inside of me even in the midst of drama ,chaos and complaining.

I am still called!
I am still being used by God!
I am still useful to Him!

Even though..............
Everything.

Karen

Boomerang Express

2009-07-23T17:09:00.004-06:00

You might see a kangaroo.......

You really have to watch out for those Gators!

I have no idea but I love this face!

Honest Scrap Award!

2009-06-30T11:26:00.009-06:00

My friend, Sarah, at The Notelpats, gave me the Honest Scrap award!

There are a couple of things you have to do when you get this award:

~ You have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true.

~ You have to tag 10 people with the award.

~ Let all the people you've given the award to know that they've gotten it.

~ Make sure you link back to the person who awarded it to you.

I was in 4-H and Girl Scouts growing up and I LOVED!! it

I rode the Boomerang Express last week and my brain is fried.

I tried to change the words to the Grandma got run over by a reindeer song to Grandma got run over by the boomerang express with no luck at all.

I need to go to the post office and send my kids their 4th of July presents!

I have to work until midnight on the 4th of July and that makes me really really upset.

Because I love the 4th of July!

I want to go swimming really bad because it is summer and they are building a new pool here that looks like fun. But it is not open yet :-(

I got my nails done the other day and I told the lady that I wanted to do something patriotic because I love the 4th of July. And she says to me" so what colors do you want?" all confused looking and I say red, white and blue a little on the rude side and then she pulls out red white and GREEN!

There is a swimming pool in the church that I attend here, but it is broken.

I am reading Jesus wants to save Christians by Rob Bell. His book covers this subject matter very well. I suggest you go read it . He is a GREAT author! I loved his other books too

Sex God and Velvet Elvis

"This is why I worship you, this is why I love your truth, because in all the world there's nothing to compare your glory too, this is why I worship you. "

Is stuck in my head!

10.

I am going to upload the pics from VBS on to my facebook and myspace just as soon as I finish this. Then maybe I will think of a good story to write on here from my time on the train gang!(train gang is vbs speak for self induced work and all around craziness that comes from a week at vbs )

I tag:

Sabrina @

chiquitovalverde

Tyson@

murphrod.

Angie @
angellezpage

Mary @
marynorton.

And anyone else who hasnt been tagged already!

Karen

randomly random

2009-06-16T16:05:00.003-06:00

My dad found this photo of me deep in a bin somewhere and sent it to me.
This is me at a 4-H meeting in 1997
OMG I look alot like me
Why am I sharing this random picture????
Because it is like one of the only photos of that time period in which I don't look positively awful .
Jr High was not good to me.
But I did have my good days and this photo is proof!
I have no recollection as to what I am doing here.
I do remember that we made alot of games for preschoolers. I am guessing that is what is going on here.
Funny I hadn't even given thought to the fact that I could grow up and love to work with kids then.
Back then I wanted to be an artist.
When clearly little kids were my thing
huh funny how much you learn about yourself growing up!

On another random note

So, I guess that blogging is in my genes.

I found out just a few weeks ago that my dad has been blogging. Although he doesn't call it that he calls it writing.

He has been writing for a web site that was set up by his graduating class.

They just had their 40th class Reunion (OMG he is old)

He has some good stuff

he is a much better writer than me

you can read his stuff if you want to at

http://www.hugo69.com/

there is a link on the left side

this just in

click on it and there are all kinds of stories

Karenina

2009-06-02T14:53:00.002-06:00

Here is Karenina!!!!

My namesake.

Such a beautiful baby and very quiet ans sweet!

updated with captions for non racing fans

2009-05-29T21:21:00.004-06:00

Yes, In fact I am that kinda girl ! John Force signed my arm!!

the Geiko, Gecko and I

I am not entirely sure of the name of this driver. He drives for Al-Anabi racing which is owned and funded 100% by a shiek in the east. they have no sponsers.

OMG !!!!!!!! I was stoked!

If you dont know who this is I am not entirely sure that we can continue to be friends anymore. JK

Ashley Force Hood

Fast Jack Beckham

Don "the snake" Prudhomme

Robert Hight

Never Ever Ever Give up!!!!!

2009-05-25T15:14:00.003-06:00

So, This year in November ( which is sneaking up on us rather quickly) it will have been ten years since 5 sisters who were good friends of mine were taken by CPS to foster care.
It was a messed up deal in a small town with crooked cops and terrible CPS case workers.
They were not abused, poor yes but not starved or abused or neglected ever!

So anyways 18 months aftet they were taken away the mother had her rights taken from her by the state and her girls were adopted out .
She went to court several times to fight to get her girls back.
She went all the way to the supreme court of Nebraska.
She wrote letters to everyone imaginable begging to have her girls back.
She had previously lost her oldest son and now had lost her 5 girls for no reason at all.

So, she has continued to fight and fight and write and write and pray and pray!

Outwardly it would appear that she had resigned to waiting until they each turned 18 and then tried to contact them.
Inside she was still fighting and looking for them.
Her oldest daughter Joshua turned 18 two years ago and for whatever reason refuses to communicate with her mother
The second daughter Glorianna, turned 18 last year and her mother has not been able to find her to talk to her.
I have been praying atleast once a day for over 9 years that the girls would come home we prayed before every court hearing and prayed and prayed

9 1/2 years later........
She found Glorie and in a case of I thought you never wanted to talk to me, Well I thought you never wanted to talk to me.......

She came HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!
She moved in with her mom and step-dad and 6 new siblings.

PRAY PRAY PRAY
for this new relationship with mother and daughter
PRAY PRAY PRAY
that everything will work out
I know that many of you have prayed for a child,

I know you know the heart of this mother who wants so much to have her girls back

I know that all of my prayers and all of the prayers that have gone up for these girls and their mother have been heard and answered !
It matters that you pray!

Smiling, smiling,smiling

Karen

New Baby!!!

2009-05-23T23:11:00.004-06:00

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last week my friend Angela at http://angellezpage.blogspot.com/

Had a baby girl!
And the best part is
She named her after ME!!!

Karenina Anais
It's pronounced care-uh-nee-nuh. The middle name is Anaϊs. That's pronounced ah-nah-ees.

And I am going to get to see her next week!!!
So pictures will be posted as soon as I get back from Nebraska next week!

Smiling, smiling, smiling

Karen

And in Other more exciting NEWS!!!!!!!!

2009-05-15T23:17:00.004-06:00

OK,
So I am so HAPPY I have worn a Large smile all day.
Even at work where I had 3 new girls and 2 people fired which left me incredibly short handed of knowledgeable help.
I WAS SMILING STILL!!

This morning I got a call from Tony !!!!!!!
OMG I screamed into the phone I was so excited to hear from him.
I haven't talked to him since I before I moved here.
That is forever when you are waiting for your lover to come to his senses and come back to you .

And it seems he has done just that!!!!

He kicked his Internet Girlfriend out along with her kid and dog.
He swears that they are over because ( along with other drama) he can't stop thinking about me and wants to be with me!
ME!!!!!!!

We are talking about me moving back down there maybe like the first part of August and us getting a place together and working really working on our BS.

I also got to talk to my kids on the phone today after school!

I could hear the smiles on their faces. Poor babies have been through Hell and back with all this BS with Tony and I.

We are talking about everything and I mean everything all the good, bad, and TMI.

He swears its forever this time no matter what, whatever, forever.

He has her out of his system for good . I guess this was something that he had to do to find out what he had & what he is missing out on.

I am so excited that I am going to get another change to be the wife and mother that I have always wanted to be to him and to my kids.

Smiling

karen

Happy Birthday Boys!

2009-05-11T20:54:00.002-06:00

Aidan's Birthday was Friday May 8th.
Three years old!
All day my heart was sick that I was not doing anything for him.
I was not cleaning my house nor decorating. I have not ordered a cake. I have not shopped for a gift that will thrill him. I have not sent invitations out, or set a time and date to celebrate with friends and family.
I have not taken the annual Aidan with Daddy picture ,nor framed it up with the rest of them counting the third birthday that we have shared with you.

Tomorrow is Kyle's Birthday.
14 already??!!?? When did this happen?

Again I feel as if I have failed you also.
Both of my boys deserve a better life and a better birthday than what I have made happen for them.

One year ago today it began.
The beginning of the end of being the wife and mother that I wanted to be.

Last year we had a big party for Aidan.
Last year I got Mother's Day presents and flowers and a picnic in the park and a bottle of rum to share with friends and friends to share it with.
Last year Josh was on my mind in the midst of all else.
I was battling inside my mind if I was the person who thought about such things and was I the person who acted on such thoughts.
I was trying to figure out if I was happy or if I could walk away.
One week later I walked away from the life that I loved and wanted to the life that I thought was all that I deserved to have.

One year later Josh is on my doorstep, Tony is in my mind and my boys are on my heart.
One year later I know what I should have done, I know where I want to be and that is so far away from reality.

I don't want to be who I am in reality,
because in reality I am
divorced, single, childless.
Going forward is so hard when the past is what I want.

Karen

P.S.
I am sorry this was kinda all over the place.

My Brother

2009-05-05T14:20:00.002-06:00

So, in case some of you don't know
I have a younger brother, he is 22 and attends the University of Nebraska, Lincoln.
He and I are not close, we don't even really like each other very much at all.

But, on Monday he is leaving and flying to France to stay for a few days and then onto Spain for a week or so and then he plans to take a boat to Africa for another week or so.

He is traveling alone.
He is leaving his laptop.
He is leaving his Cell phone.
He is taking a small backpack/manbag with two changes of clothes and a toothbrush.
He is taking cash money.
He is taking his passport.
He is considering taking a camera.
He is traveling to see other parts of the world and cultures other than ours.

He plans to NOT send cards or letters for the entire 5 weeks that he is abroad.
He does NOT plan to telephone, both of these due to the cost and time delay in mailing and time change in phoning home.

He has no tattoos , although I told him to go get one so that we could identify his body.
He does have a third nipple, other than that he has no distinguishing marks.

He just sold his car and moved all of his things into our parents home in Nebraska.

I guess that I am kinda freaked because I just read and watched "Into the Wild" .
Which is a story about a guy who gives away all of his money and abandons his car and walks into the wild of Alaska lives off of the land for like two years alone and eventually dies. In the story(which is true) he never writes or calls home after he leaves and they find his body in the spring and a few random notes that he leaves in this abandoned bus he finds in the wild to live in.

So even though I mostly hate my brother I don't want him to die or vanish in another country.
He is traveling with no set plan so we wouldn't even know where to look for him if he doesn't return.
France, Spain & Africa are HUGE places to start to find a white boy traveling alone with no luggage.

So, I ask for you to pray for my brothers safety abroad and traveling.

Karen

Live like???

2009-04-26T18:51:00.004-06:00

A few weeks ago
my Sunday school teacher here ( who also happens to be the pastor here) , gave a lesson
challenging us to answer the fill in the blanks:

To live is________, to die is_______.

I put up a note card on my headboard and ask myself the question every other day or so.
What does it mean to me for me to live?
Most of this year I haven't wanted to live.
I can honestly say that I think to die would be to gain, but what does it mean to live???
How do I honestly answer the question of:"What is it to live?"
For many weeks now I have been thinking this over and over in my mind.
When I was on the verge of suicide I felt like that I had done all that I was ever going to accomplish.

I felt like that if I couldn't have my husband back the way that I wanted that there was no other purpose for me in life. I had a hand in raising children, I finished college, I have worked with children, I got married, I got to see all of my friends have babies.
I really felt like all of the things that I have ever wanted had come to be, other than to get back with my husband and have a baby and watch the older kids go on to adulthood. Which isn't an option so all is done.

Most days here I feel like my life is over.
That I have done all that I can do on this earth.
I am no longer in any of the positions that I am used to being in as you know from earlier blogs.
I am alone almost always and I truly feel like that if I died that my purpose here would have been fulfilled.

Tonight at church we watched a video of a preacher giving a sermon. The preacher had been given a diagnosis that he would die at anytime and that his life was over. He gave his message on: "Living like you are dying".
He encouraged everyone to begin to say get in place of got or have. Such as:
I get to go to work today, or I get to rock a screaming baby tonight, or I get to go to a meeting.
That nothing is a have to but since we have life that we get to.
This man ( who's name escapes me) is living with the knowledge that one day soon he will die.
For him to live one more day is to preach one more day and to die is to go home to heaven.

For me I have decided that:
"To live is a gift and to die is gain"

What on earth I am going to do with my gift I don't know.
Most days when I get my gift I say" you shouldn't have".
But God who knows how my story ends, knows that I need life and that I must go on and I know that one day I will know the next step, I will feel purpose again, I will know why I was alive today and I will know what to do with my tomorrows.

Karen

Hello

2009-04-15T19:33:00.002-06:00

Hello all,
Yes I am still here.
I am sorry I just dont have much of anything to blog about.
I go to church on sunday's,
I work 9-5 weekdays,
and sit at the house alone in between times,
I am trying really hard to find some meaning in life and something to do with my time and energies.
I miss being everywhere...
I know that sounds whack
but I miss people from almost everywhere I have lived.
I miss working with children the very mostest ever!

I miss you!!!
sorry no real news to report

karen

let it snow!!!

2009-03-27T20:26:00.002-06:00

In case you haven't checked the weather in my part of the country it is SNOWING!
ALOT!
this morning when I left for work (7AM) there was about 2 inches, when I left work around 11am there was about 7 inches
now 930 PM
there are drifts taller than me.. yeah I know that not tall for people but for snow drifts that's tall! lol
best that I can tell apart from the drifts which are due to the fact that we have been having winds somewhere around fifty mph
we have at least at least..........

18 inches of undrifted snow

It seems that my roommates have been praying for a snow day. Which they haven't had one here in 4 years.
And today was a snow day
And both of them are out of town where the weather is fine.
GRRRRRRRRRRRR
I am home alone,
with no phone,
no car,
and snow at least waist deep if I were to venture out.
and a whole lot of nothing to do
so
I am totally going STIR CRAZY!

They are saying this snow is here to stay for a while.

Today I really miss my kids,
not only cause I am alone,
but my precious babies have NEVER EVER EVER seen snow!

How small are God's hands???

2009-03-08T20:46:00.003-06:00

Hello old friends,
I am sorry that I have been away from my blogging of late but my attitude is not what I think that it should be and thus have a hard time blogging.

Since I have been here it has been the goal of the people who are helping me and working with me to take away from me everything that I depend on , until I have nothing left but God.

I don't have a boyfriend or any prospects nor can I seek out such as a condition of my help.
I don't have any kids here nor am I allowed to work with any here.
I don't have anywhere to serve, no meals to fix, class to teach, or piano to play.
I don't have my church family who has been a great help to me in everything.
I don't have any friends here.
I have basically no responsibilities here.

I have began to hate living here, yes I want to depend more on God. But I want to have kids around me, I want a man, I want to be useful, I want to be needed.

My entire life I have had kids around me to take care of, teach and love.
I grew up in a daycare, I have had kids to care for all the time for a long time. My cousin, my kids, my nephews.
I have always had kids. I love to have kids around me. I love kids.
I love to come home to screaming, laughing, rambunctious , messy kids.

I hate coming home to nobody, I hate living in a house with people that I don't ever see, I hate being alone.

I know that God is big enough to do big things, but I have a hard time knowing that God can do small things too. I have a hard time knowing that God is small enough to know my pain and cares.
His hands are big enough to make the world, and part the sea. But are His hands small enough to hold me? To get me through one more day of this life that I must somehow learn to live?
How small is God? Is He small enough to be all the people that I don't have in my life? Is He small enough to comfort my tears in the night? Is He small enough to care that I am falling apart inside?
Again and again I struggle with the question of : Is God enough ?

I know that He has promised to never leave me, He has promised over and again that He will go with me
But, somehow I think that I want someone else along for the journey.( or a whole pile of somebodies)
I don't want to walk this way alone.

Pray for me as I try to figure all these things out for me.

Karen

P.S.
Yes , I know that I stole some of the blog idea from "Bring the Rain". but it was a touching post from her and I wanted to share with you what I have been thinking on.
All credit where it is due.

Scars

2009-02-28T18:42:00.003-07:00

I I got this in an E-mail Forward. I am not much for forwarding things to other people.
But, I felt like this one was very good and wanted to share it with you.

SCARS OF LIFE
Some years ago,
on a hot summer day
in South Florida ,
a little boy decided to go
for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house.
In a hurry to dive into
the cool water,
he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.
He flew into the water,
not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together.
In utter fear,
he ran toward the water,
yelling to his son as loudly
as he could.Hearing his voice,
the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn
to swim to his father.
It was too late.
Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.From the dock,
the father grabbed his little boy by the arms
just as the alligator
snatched his legs..
That began an incredible
tug-of-war between the two.
The alligator was much stronger than the father,
but the father was much
too passionate to let go.
A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams,
raced from his truck,
took aim and shot the alligator.
Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital,
the little boy survived.
His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack
of the animal.
And, on his arms,
were deep scratches
where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort
to hang on to the son he loved.The newspaper reporter
who interviewed the boy
after the trauma,
asked if he would
show him his scars.
The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter,
'But look at my arms.
I have great scars
on my arms, too.
I have them because
my Dad wouldn't let go!

You and I can identify
with that little boy.
We have scars, too.
No, not from an alligator,
but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars
are unsightly and have
caused us deep regret.
But, some wounds,
my friend,
are because God has refused
to let go.
In the midst of your struggle, He's been there
holding on to you..The Scripture teaches that
God loves you.
You are a child of God.
He wants to protect you
and
provide for you in every way.
But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead..
The swimming hole of life
is filled with peril -
and we forget
that the enemy is waiting
to attack.
That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have
the scars of His love
on your arms,
be very, very grateful.
He did not and will not ever let you go.
Author - Unknown.

I will probly always have a scar on my arm that spells out "FAILURE" but now I can know that it is from a father who would not let me go

Somewhere down in Kansas..........

2009-02-22T19:43:00.004-07:00

So, I promised the whole story of why I am here somewhere down in Kansas.

There was so much that happened I think that a time line would be best to explain.
Tues. Feb. 10-
I return from Nebraska late in the evening to visit my kids and Tony. I get my Valentines gift from him we spend lots of time cuddling and such. I cry my face off in his arms and beg him with all that I have inside me not to go. I cry all the way home and cry my self to sleep.

Wed. Feb.11 -
Tony takes an early am flight to Wisconsin to meet his Internet girlfriend of 8 months. Who up until this point was not really real to me.
When he calls me from the plane to say that he is really leaving to really go out there. I fall apart, I cry my face off again and it hurts all over my body such that I don't know what to do. I get a razor and carve "FAILURE" into my forearm.
Go pick my kids up from school hang out with them and their mom and step-dad.
Get a long lecture from Kyle on how failure is not ever an option.
I go to church and lose myself in the activity and laughter of children.

Thurs.
Don't go to work. Don't get out of bed until 8pm. Go to visit a pastor friend of mine and bleed and cry with him. He prays for me and I feel better even though I'm sure that God has forgotten about me at this point.

Fri.
Go to work but leave early and go to bed.
Hang out with my kids and their step-brother and cousin.
Take my kids to mall and walk around until it closes.
Go out to eat with my brother in-law. Talk with him and cry in public. (not something I ever, ever, ever do) Stay up all night talking with him.

Sat. Valentines day
Go to work.
Go home and pick my arm again to feel the pain get out of me.
My cousin Ben comes in from Houston to visit me and tries to talk to me about divorce and moving on. I hear none of this. He goes home and tells his mom who tells her sister ,who tells my grandma, who tell my aunt, who tells my mom that I am not OK.
Spend day and night with my kids and take them home with me to stay the night.
Call Tony to say Happy Valentines Day! He says I will never see my kids again and that we are over forever. I cry to him and he hangs up in my face. Cry again with my brother in-law.
Watch my kids sleep in my bed and cry all night not wanting to miss a moment with them.
Slice a large gash in the bend of my arm and let it bleed out everywhere.
Freak out and try to clean that up so the kids aren't freaked.

Sun. Feb 15 Our wedding anniversary
Take kids to church.
Ask someone at church for help and show them my scars and get no help or advice.
Stay at church til 2:30
Go to mall with kids
Return to church
Take kids home
Let kids run wild and rent 'R' rated movies and stay up all night playing ( well til 2 am)
Carve Feb.15 into my other arm
Sleep finally watching my kids sleep and hearing the soft sounds of rest .

****Meanwhile somewhere down in Kansas. A deacon board is meeting and decides to send the entire church staff from their church to Euless to a conference.
Enter my other mother onto the scene.
*****Meanwhile someone from my church sees the pain on my arms and call Ginger to tattle on me.
I don't know who you are but thank you.

Mon. Feb. 16
Wake up and get kids dressed and put the house back together.
Take kids to Wal-mart.
Explain to kids that I might never get to see them again.
We all cry. I hurt all over watching them cry.
Ginger calls to see if I am OK
I tell her the truth
I get my kids picked up and go to talk to her
Ginger and Richard ( my Sunday School teachers) Talk to me and tell me how it has to be
They say that I am going back to Millwood Hospital.
I flat out refuse.
She calls my other mother who is un known to me just ten mins away in Euless to ask her what to do with me.
She says she is going to take me home with her somewhere down in Kansas.

At this point I am left with a choice.
Go back to the hospital and do that whole thing again or go with my other mother and get my life straight.
It might sound like an easy choice but it was not and it is not easy to choose everyday to get up and work on getting better, to work on all of the junk that is inside of me.
To try to work on this mess and not cut.

This is so hard and I am not so sure that I will be able to do it.
Getting better, doing better and being better will take alot of time and hard work of looking at the demons that I have hid in my heart for so long and facing them and conquering them.

Again
It matters that you pray for me

Karen
who is
Somewhere down in Kansas.

P.S.
if you want my snail mail address email me:

pinkieforever21@YAHOO.COM

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego......

2009-02-19T09:44:00.003-07:00

So, I have no idea where Carmen San Diego is. But I know where I am.
This week has been a whirl wind. God did something and I have no idea what is for but things just kept happening and now I am in Kansas.
I will give the you the whole story in my next blog.
I only know a few things.....
God wants me alive.... still
God wants me to do something
I have to get better
I want to be a better example to my kids and the kids that I want to minister to.
I can't help my kids or anyone else's kids by cutting myself ,crying, chasing after a man who is at this point not that in to me, going to church, Lather, rinse repeat. week after week.

So, I am sorry that I had to step out on all of my responsibilities and my kids but
When you wake up in the belly of a whale, you go where ever God sends.

It matters that you pray for me
this is of God I know that but
it isnt easy ( I dont want to be here I want to be with my kids)
I left my kids behind alone at this point with their non-custodial, drug abusing mother.
I had to tell my kids that I am a grown up but I dont got it together enough to be able to care for them.

I want a better life for my kids, I want to be a better example, I want to be something more than I am.

Karen

P.S.
If you are from UBC
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Dont forget my kids need someone to take them to church.
My kids need a positive role model
My kids need you.
My kids need Jesus
I know that I made 3 of you promise to my face not to leave my kids out or forgotten .
But I am serious
TAKE MY KIDS TO CHURCH.

I'm Not your princess

2009-02-13T13:25:00.002-07:00

As I pace back and forth
All this time cause I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on The days drag on
Stupid girl I should have known,
I should have known.
That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now it's to late for you and your white horse to come around.
Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes,and never really had a chance.my mistake,
I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings, well now I know...That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your white horse to come around.
And here I am on my knees.Begging for forgiveness, begging for you.
Just like I always wanted but,
I'm so sorry.
Cause I'm not your princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm gonna find someone some day, who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world.
That was a small town, there in my rearview mirror disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your white horse...Its too late for you and your white horse to catch me now.

A cause ....

2009-02-04T03:05:00.002-07:00

So, in my myspacing I found a group that really touched me

They are called " To Write Love On Her Arms"
It is a suicide rescue group. Their purpose is to help people to feel loved and to prevent self mutilation with love.
It is a great group that is just starting out .
They have great blogs on their own page and are from what I can tell a Christian group.

The entire mission is to love people back from the edge..... WOW
sounds alot like this man that I heard about in Sunday school............................

you can check them on myspace at:
www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms

and on the web at:
www.twloha.com

Check it out
Karen

The fear of fog and the fog of fear.

2009-01-30T01:22:00.004-07:00

So, I am still having troubles with the pictures up loading. I guess it was not meant for you to see our Christmas. As soon as I get that figured out I will post them .

This morning I was driving my older kids to school. (which is a rare treat for me that I love!)
This morning it was very, very,very foggy. Almost so bad that I didn't drive but, seeing as how I am on school nights sleepover trial run #1. I decided that we would venture out. It was only foggy in patches and clear in other places. As we got closer to the schools ( which are next door to each other) it was getting worse, so much so that at one point Kyle ( my oldest son) spoke with more fear than I think that I have ever heard in his voice. Kyle would be my oldest, independent, self assured, bull headed, fearless 13 year old. Seriously, fearless he does backflips off of the roof of our house and anything else that is tall enough.The child who when he came upon the dryer on fire puts it out and then yells for help. Kyle says " It really looks like we are going to drive off into nothing ". His school sits on the corner and as we turned the corner we could not see the school at all. We couldn't see the building, or the parking lot, or the dumpster, or the sign, Nothing but fog. It was crazy and a bit creepy, but remember I have my brave Mom face on.
So, we drive on into nothing and I drop him off and can't even see if he makes inside.

>> Fast forward
My roommate and her fiance' come in from work late tonight and we begin to talk about the day. She asks if I got the kids to school on time and I tell her yes. I also tell her about the deep fog that was over that side of town this morning and how I haven't seen fog that thick ever that I can recall. Then I tell her that the kids were scared and how they didn't want to drive into the fog. She then begins to laugh and her fiance' joins in. She asks did you crack up when he said that. I reply No of course not he was really and truly scared.

And then I think about how God is with us.
He can see through the fog the fog of failure, the fog of hurting, the fog of fear, the fog of wanting. And He doesn't laugh at us.
God knows that the condition of the air doesn't change the road or take away buildings.
God knows what is out there. He knows how silly our fears are, He can see right through them, and yet he doesn't laugh at us. He puts on His brave Dad face a drives into the nothingness. He knows what lies ahead, He knows where this road leads.
All we have to do is trust Him, trust that our Father isn't driving us off a cliff or into the side of a building. He is taking us somewhere safe and warm and close to Him. But right now we have to get into the car and trust that He will go along, He will be there and we can trust His word.

God's word says in Psalms 139:7-12
:7Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
:8If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
:9If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
:10Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
:11If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me," Even the night shall be light about me;
:12Indeed, the darkness will not be dark to You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

The darkness will not be dark to You- aka the fog will not be foggy to You.

I can trust that you can drive me in the fog.
I can trust that you won't leave me alone in the fog
I can trust that in all this fog the world still goes on
I can trust that we are going somewhere even though all I see outside is nothing.

Jesus I can trust in YOU!
You won't laugh at my fears but gently take my arm and see me through this fog.

Karen

Christmas pictures

2009-01-27T19:14:00.007-07:00

ok so i really want to post the pictures from Christmas

but I am apparently not smart enough to get this done

Someone please help me

please

all i want to do is put them in row down the side with captions in between

is that so much to ask

someone blog me and give the the low down on how this is done

please

karen

Christmas Pictures.

Waiting for Santa.

Waiting for Santa

So , I know that this is like a month late but I have been busy.

Here are the pictures of my kids on Christmas.

Jesus today I am tired

2009-01-25T16:58:00.002-07:00

Jesus come take me away
I long to see your face
This world is broken yet beautifully made
Jesus come take me away
And Jesus I'll patiently wait
Until with these vapors I'll fade
Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days
And Jesus I'll patiently wait
And you'll come again with a shout
Like a thief in the night you'll come riding on clouds
And finally the voice I have followed for life has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you'll come for me
No more pain, peace
No more fear, release
Just lost and consumed with my glorious king
And Jesus today I am tired
And I need your music to come and inspire
I give myself to be refined in this fire
But Jesus today I'm so tired
And you'll come again with a shout
Like a thief in the night you'll come riding on clouds
And finally the voice I have followed for life has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you'll come for me
No more pain, peace
No more fear, release
Just lost and consumed with my glorious king
And you'll come for me
Come for me
Come for me
Come for me
Come for me
~Charlie Hall
I love this song by Charlie Hall.

Galatians 6:9 says "Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up"
The verse doesn't say to keep it up for a week or a month or a year but it just says don't ever give up.

I have grown so tired of waiting that sometimes I lose sight of the fact that I never know how long I must wait and continue to do what I'm suppose to do. I just want to see God's whole plan for me and I don't want to go step by step but I want to read the entire story before I set out.
I have been praying that I might know what on earth I am here for. ( No, I haven't read Rick Warren's book on such subject and don't care to)
I want God to come to me and give me at least the next step of His plan for me.
I want a purpose, I want a cause, I want a family to care for, I want a home I want I want I want I want....................
I want to know how God intends for me to fulfill His plan for my life.

The Bible also says in Philippians 4:11&12 "For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty"
So, I guess I am suppose to sit tight and hang on and be happy while I sit tight here not knowing.

Waiting for Jesus to come and wondering what in the world to do in the mean time.
Hoping He comes today for me.....
Karen

Mama Called the Doctor and the Doctor Said........

2009-01-20T18:56:00.002-07:00

No more monkeys sleeping in my bed........
So,

I phoned the doctor today and asked as to the results of the biopsy that they did last Friday.

The doctors office told me that I had no problems it was all clear.
To which I asked what are you sure?
Oh yeah we are just gonna watch you and see what happens.
I still need you to not get prego until we know what it is.
So you are watching nothing?
It is all clear but I can't get pregnant?
So, I can't get pregnant and I have nothing to worry about.
I am so frustrated with this whole thing
I am scheduled to go back at the end of March
so I am not gonna worry about any of this mess until then if I even go back.....

Mind you this is the second opinion.
So, there will be no,
More monkeys sleeping in my bed........

Karen

Say it don't spray it.......

2009-01-17T19:29:00.002-07:00

** Disclaimer**
This post may be a bit graphic for all of my readership. If you don't care to hear about my visit to the gyno then don't read.

So, on Friday I went to see the doctor to freeze out the cancer and pre-cancerous cells on my cervix.
First off I am seeing a man and I was told that it would be a woman.
I have a personal opinion that any man who decides to make his living looking at women's personals is a lot bit creepy. Anyways a side from that,
So, I go in and get all set up and he takes a look inside and says" Oh my! Your cervix looks awful, just terrible." Then He says, "this doesn't look like cancer this looks worse!"
So, He decides not to freeze anything but to take another biopsy to look at it again and see what he thinks about it.
He asks all kinds of questions as to why my cervix looks awful. Have any kids? Abortions? Rape?Infections? Surgery's? STD's? No no no no no and no.
He keeps using the word "awful "and the more he says it the more it freaks me

I asked him what he meant by "worse than cancer" and he said that he didn't want to say yet without knowing the results of his biopsy.
But, he made no bones about the fact that it was bad and serious although how much so he wouldn't say.
So I go back in 2 weeks and he will then decide what he wants to do with my "Awful looking" cervix.

Oh and the most creepy thing ever was that as he was talking in the direction of my personals he would spit every time he spoke .

I also got the HPV shot and just in case you were wanting to go get one be aware that it burns all the way down your arm and hurts.

Karen

Standing still.

2009-01-14T10:32:00.002-07:00

I went canoeing today, so nice to just sit in the water and float along thinking about everything.

If you look at the water or the sky you cannot tell that you are moving along at all. Life and the world keeps moving on flowing towards the ocean but I am standing still. Floating along in this river not knowing when I will get to the end not knowing if there is an end. Will I ever get out? The world just keeps moving on , I am broken hearted and heavy with emotions and it doesn't matter to anyone.

I had written this in my journal back in July(when canoeing in Nebraska was an option) and still today I am there

Life is still moving on, other people are expecting babies, other people are planning weddings, and graduations. The rest of the world knows where their journey will end, they have a ticket to get off this boat at a certain stop and I am standing still. Some how life has passed me by and I sit here waiting looking at this river and not knowing if I am moving or not, looking at the sky and not knowing if I am moving or not. Yet everything in my life has changed, but does that mean that I have. My life has come undone and yet I feel like I am standing still. I'm still not pregnant, still not married, still don't have any kids, still hurting inside because they died and left me all alone. I am still not anything that I want to be or anything that I should be. I still just wish that I would die because at least that would be a change in my life. But I failed at that too.

I am going to be in two weddings this year neither mine,
I am going to watch five babies be born and grow, none mine.

Life will go on this year for everyone and I will stand and watch.
I can't make him love me again, no matter how hard I try, I can't make a baby no matter how hard I try,I can't bring them back to me no matter how much I want to.

I am a girl, born to be a sister, daughter, mother & wife yet I fail at the very thing that I was made to do.

What time is it in Heaven?

2009-01-10T00:03:00.006-07:00

Sissy,
For the past week every morning when I get to work and walk to my station and starting getting my scanners and "tools" ready for the day ahead, I have been overwhelmed with the smell of you.
I can't remember the name of that Calgon Body spray that brings you back to me but , every morning at 4 am there it is.
The first day I kinda put it out of my mind thinking that I was smelling things. ( Is that one step crazier than hearing things?)
The next day I took time to sniff each of my co-workers.
Most of whom are men but I sniffed them too just in case they had been close to a girl.
I would say that they almost all smell..... but not pleasant.

Yesterday my face began to leak from my eyes as I was working because I was thinking of you and where you are and where you aren't and where I want you to be.

You aren't driving a car, you aren't in High School, you aren't dating a boy , You aren't in choir .
You are in Heaven singing with the angels at the feet of God, You are in Heaven with Jayden and your Gran dad , Glenne & Baby Nathan.
I want you here with me.

I don't know what time it is in Heaven at 4am my time but, I don't suppose that your new body needs much sleep. You don't have to get up for school so I guess it's ok if you get up before the chickens and give me a pleasant smell that overcomes all of the BO that is about.

I love you Sissy,
I miss you everyday

I hope to smell you in the morning,
Karen

January 16th

2009-01-05T21:26:00.003-07:00

On January 16th,
I will be going to have the cancerous and pre- cancer frozen off of my cervix.
I am going to Oklahoma to have it done at the Indian Hospital.
Because I am Indian (what? You couldn't tell) everything that I need to have done and all
follow - ups and meds and EVERYTHING will be free to me.
I have no idea what all they will do to me. I am so scared and nervous.
I have been to the doctor only like 5 times in my whole life( that I can remember) and don't really care for them, maybe cause I never went as a child.

Pray for me and the doctors,

It matters that you pray
Karen

I wish you Dump Trucks

2009-01-01T21:16:00.003-07:00

There is a story in my family about my Uncle Hal( my dad's older brother). When my grandparents told him he was going to get a baby brother ,he replied
"I don't want a brother, I want a dump truck!"

And then I am told that the very first, only, and last fit that I threw in a store was in Toys "R" Us, because I was told that I was NOT getting a dump truck.
That same year I was told that I was going to get a baby brother to which I replied,
"NO I want a dump truck!"

This year I spent Christmas with my husband and the kids and this year my son asked for only 3 things from Santa , a "rock star" ( guitar) , a monster truck and a dump truck.

And after he had opened all of his gifts and saw that the bottom of the tree was bare he looked at me and said " Where is my dump truck?!"

He did in fact get a trash truck, a recycling truck, a pick-up truck that hauls a set of ski- doo's, a low rider truck that makes more noise that should be allowed by a child's toy, and a monster truck and a cement truck and a hand full of hot wheel cars and trucks.

I tried to divert his attention to the fleet of other trucks that he had been given but he was not falling for any distractions. He still kept waiting for the ever elusive dump truck to appear.

The best part of the story is that although My uncle and I neither one ever got dump trucks our younger brothers both did!
Does this mean that Aidan will soon be getting a baby brother that WILL get a dump truck???
I hope so!

And to my friends who are waiting for babies ,
I wish you Dump trucks for younger brothers!

2008

2008-12-31T21:14:00.003-07:00

The Year in Review
I stole this from Mary Norton and do promise that soon I will blog again and stop the surveys I know this isn't myspace but I have been enjoying these.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Get Married!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I can't say that I kept the one I made all year but most of it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, Taylor and my best guy friend had a baby but he didn't give birth.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

NO
5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico and the US

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A family ( no matter what that looks like)

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb 15 my wedding day!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Nothing really

9. What was your biggest failure?
I failed my husband my kids and myself big time and now only 3 of them can see their way around it. :(

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Well, I was diagnosed with Depression .

11. What was the best thing you bought?
a bed, but then i sold it.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Ginger because in my darkest hour she reached out beyond what she had to and pulled me out

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine

14.Where did most of your money go?
Rent

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving to Arlington and going back to church!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Amazing Grace my chains are gone Chris Tomlin and Come for me- Charlie Hall

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? Mmm...sadder.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Been more patient with my kids and husband,

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Moving,working, listening to people who don't care about me.

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?
yes once in love and once in lust.

21. What was your favorite TV program?
the olympics

22.. What was the best book you read?
"Love the one your with"

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
That I can still play piano and worship music as a whole

24. What did you want and get?
idk
25.What did you want and NOT get?
My husband back

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
7 pounds

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21 for the 4th time. I didn't do much on my birthday. but I spent the day after with my husband and it was waaaaay good.

28 What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Me, having some self control and looking to the future a bit more.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
the same as always whatever my husband buys for me. I really have no preference at all in this.

30. What kept you sane?
Worship

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Troy from HSM

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
I'm not really stirred much my politics

33. Who did you miss?
J, Janessa & Jayden,
and my nephews Tom, Tom, Ethan, & Sean.
Lora more over the rest!

34.. Who was the best new person you met?
Well maybe Ginger, I got to know her a whole lot more but I didn't meet her this year.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
The Grass is the same on both sides , stick with your own side.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Jesus today I am tired. I gave myself to be refined in your fire but Jesus today Im so tired. -Charlie Hall

37. The best thing you discovered this year?
My Church family

38. The best thing you lost?
my car

39. What are you glad to leave behind from 2008?
Being influenced by those who don't care about me.

40. What are you looking forward to in 2009?
I want to see this year what God has for me to do for Him.

I'm it! x 8

2008-12-17T13:32:00.002-07:00

I got tagged again!

8 Favorite Restaurants:

1. Runza

2. Taco John's ( oh mexican fries I miss you!)

3. Starbucks ( is that a restaurant??)

4. Cracker Barrel

5. Chick-fil-A

6. CiCi's Pizza

7. Bennigans

8. Olive Garden

8 Things that Happened Today:

1. I got up

2. Took a shower

3. Went to the library

4. Going to check out a book

5. Checked my "thangs"

6. Checked my blog

7. I am going to fold laundry

8. I am going to go wrap more presents!

8 Things I Look Forward To:

1. Having my family back

2. Christmas with my kids

3. The day I can get out of bed with a purpose.

4. Getting married ( again!)

5. Spending time with my husband and kids

6. Shopping!

7. Having a baby

8. Eternal life with Christ

8 Things I'm Scared Of:

1. Being ineffective for the Lord

2. Not having a baby

3. Not getting married again

4. Scary movies

5. That my life will always look like this.

6. That my cervix can't be just frozen , I'm scared that there is more to this.

7. Crashing my car ( ....again really bad)

8. Pregnant women ( for real they are scary beyond belief.!!!!)

8 Things I Wish For:
1. Snow!
2. A Baby
3. My husband back
4. to be debt free
5. To get something for Christmas
6. a new car
7. my family back
8. a new house for my family!

8 Things I Watch on TV:
**Disclaimer** I don't have a TV and don't really like to watch TV so if i catch a show it is few and far between.

1. Jon and Kate + 8
2. The first 48
3. Dirty Jobs
4. Extreme Make-over: Home Edition
5. Clean House
6. House
7. Rescue Me ( does this even come on anymore?)
8. Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

Tag to anyone who hasn't been tagged or who wants to do this!

I was tagged twice!

2008-12-16T16:10:00.004-07:00

Time for a little survey..
1. Two Names You Go By: Karen and Stacy
2. Things You Are Wearing Right Now: my Beatles Hoodie and my new socks!
3 . Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment: My husband back & to know God's plan for my life
4. Two people who you look up to: Ginger&Lora
5. Two things you did last night: nothing and nothing
6. Two things you ate yesterday: again, nothing and nothing I didn't get out of bed yesterday (well only to pee)
7. Two people you last talked to: Ginger and Dawna
8. Two Things you're doing tomorrow: working & going to church
9. Two longest car rides: Nebraska to El Paso & Nebraska to Illinois
10. Favorite Holidays : 4th of July and Valentines Day
11. Favorite Vacations : Hmmm anywhere that I can go with my kids and husband
12. Last trip: To Nebraska and back
13. Two favorite beverages: Dr. Pepper and kool-aid

Addicted too...
Rules are, you must list 5 addictions and pass it to 5 people!Addiction -- an abnormally strong craving
1. Blogging
2. My husband
3. Music
4. My church ( im sorry I know that they seem to get into all of my posts)
5. Wishing things were different .

Tag to anyone who hasn't been tagged yet

Is Heaven Lonely?

2008-12-10T13:22:00.005-07:00

I found the feather that you sent to me, I am glad that with your dad there now you haven't forgot me!

So, I think that for the first time since you left I am actually happy for you.
I bet you were so happy to get to see your dad!
Sometimes I wonder if Heaven is lonely , I know that it is full of people but still do you feel lonely because we are not there?
Well if it is I know that you are better now that your dad is there with you.
I bet that your dad is happy to see you too and the kids! I know that he has missed you guys alot like we all have.
I wanted to come too but I didn't.
I miss you and wish you were here I need your insight and advice and I need you to love me.
Have fun with your dad and don't forget to send me more feathers
I miss you, Dad
I love you

Karen

Getting Better?

2008-12-09T13:50:00.003-07:00

So, ever since before I left the hospital( Millwood) , people have been using this phrase
"Get Better" When I asked the doctor when I could leave he said "When you get better".
When I talk to Tony about our relationship and where it is headed he says we will talk about it when I "Get better".
Other people have said things like I am glad to see you "getting better".
But what in the world does better actually look like? I have no idea.

I still feel the same most of most days. I still have to fight to get out of bed to go to work and then sleep the rest of the day and night away for lack of anything else to do or anyone to see or anything.
I still fight to want to live ,to want to try ,to want to go on with life.
I still think about what if I wasn't alive 'cause I don't want to be alive, most of the time.
I still don't know how to overcome the thoughts that trap me and don't let me see out.
I still don't know if I will ever do anything that is worth going on towards.
I still dont know if I will ever get better

The only thing that I do get out of bed for and look forward to is
Going to my church.
I love the people and I think that they love me to.
They are the only reason I have to do anything other than lie about and try to sleep to escape the thoughts and plans I have.

They act like they need me and they think that even though I can only barely play that I should play piano for them, they think that even though I can hardly convey a thought that I should teach,
If not for them I probably would not be here ,
thank you guys so much for loving me as I am
and thinking the world of me when I am nothing
thank you for lifting me up when I am down and lost
thank you for needing me and my lack of talent
thank you for wanting me to be there with you praising our God together
thank you for everything that you mean to me

Without you I will never "Get better". ( if I ever do)

Looking For Jesus..........

2008-12-02T19:51:00.002-07:00

So, Today I was at the church preparing some things for my lesson tonight and a friend called and asked what I was doing to which I responded " Looking for Jesus, seems He is not in the box where He suppose to be"

These last few weeks have been really hard for me and I have found that Jesus is with me every step of the way.
Lost in the darkness of depression in the middle of the night, Jesus was there
Writing letters to all the people in my life, Jesus was there
Cutting my arms until they bleed to let the pain out, Jesus was there
Staying in a Mental Health Hospital for three days, Jesus was there

Starting to think that maybe there is something worth living for, Jesus is here

I have been a few places in the last few weeks that are kinda scary(even to me) and I know that Jesus was there and thankfully not in the box that I so often put Him in.

Thank you, Lord for never leaving me alone and doing just what the scripture promises,
"the Lord will go with you WHERE EVER you go" Joshua 1:9

Praise God , that He never leaves us alone!
Karen Stacy

My Cervix

2008-11-11T14:03:00.003-07:00

So, Remember wayyyy back on Oct. 16th I wrote that I was going to have a procedure done to see about some cells on my cervix. and that I would know in 7-10 days well 7-10 turned into 21 days

So last week I got the results back and they have found that there are pre-cancer cells all the way around and at the very top ( 10 O'Clock) there is the very beginning of cancer. They are going to go in and freeze them off and I will be on my way. I hope that it is that simple so we will see.

And if you were worried I am not sick or feeling bad . I have had absolutely no problems of any kind or pain at all. I had no idea that I had a problem of any kind at all. This doesn't run in my family or anything so I have no idea where it came from.

So I will let you know when I find a doctor here and get set up to do this and get it done .

Pray that the freezing will take care of everything and I can move on from here. Or that God will take it all out and make it go away and heal me 100% cause I know that He can.

Karen

Be careful what you wish for

2008-11-03T17:57:00.004-07:00

So, I have been praying that God could teach me something and use me to teach from what he has taught me. I have been helping on Wed. nights with the younger kids at church and the teacher of the class asked me to find something to teach them that they would get.
So , right off I thought I will do some lessons on thanksgiving since it is coming up soon and it is a good concept to teach. As I began to write the lessons and think about thanksgiving the more I remember that I hate the holiday and that even though I find myself having lots of things to be thankful for I still don't look forward to this time of year or the holiday. I had actually been thinking about going somewhere for thanksgiving and possibly eating turkey.
But, I still don't know, for 4 years I have not celebrated or eaten turkey or gone anywhere to be with anyone other than whoever happened to be around.
I do have lots to be thankful for.
I hope that I will be able to teach my kids what it means to give thanks without being negative about thanksgiving day and maybe even this year I will eat a bite of turkey who knows.

Pray that I can find it in me to celebrate in my own way and thank God for ALL that he has done even though it still hurts.

judge me not

2008-10-26T19:33:00.006-06:00

On Friday night I went to Judgement House at Calvary Baptist in Grand Prairie.

It is like a drama that you walk through and watch a different scene from a play in each room.

The play follows 4 people in their last hour of life and then into eternity.

It shows that half of the people go to heaven and the other half to hell and then it takes you through hell and then into heaven.

It was a very good play and the place was packed we had to wait for an hour and a half to start the walk that takes 59 mins.

But anyways, at the end of the play they take you into a large room and everyone gets to talk to a counselor about the choices that they have made and whether or not they would go to heaven if they died within the hour.

So the counselor who chose me just so happened to be the "dorm mother" that I had for the entire time that I lived in the dorms at school(4 years). And since she was sure of my salvation she decided to catch me up on her life and then began to ask about where I was in life.

I told her that I had gotten married and the divorced and that I was really broken up about the whole thing and began to cry talking about the whole thing.

She then in all of the love that she had in her heart told me in no uncertain terms that I had sinned against God big time and that I knew that getting a Divorce was wrong and how could I have ever done this to God and to me and that I was a HUGE sinner and need to pray right then to ask God for forgiveness and plead for his mercy because I knowingly sinned against God.

She then told me that even though we are divorced that in God's eyes he is still my husband and always will be, that I can never have another man for the rest of my life and that is to be my punishment for sinning against God's will for my life.

So , she says that I need to go to my husband and make things right and demand that he take me back because I have prayed and asked God's forgiveness so he then would automatically forgive me and take me back.

I told her that we had been working on things and he was not ready to jump back into things right now and that we had a long way to go to make things right between us.

She then in all of her righteousness told me that I should continue to sleep with my husband and to make him happy.

And to try by all means possible to make him happy in all ways so that we can get back together.

So, then she says that we don't have to get married again because we still are married in God's eyes.

So in short a woman that I respected her faith and walk with God told me that I should sleep with a man that I am not married to and try to get him to move in with me and that we should live happily ever after and not get married.(again)

Her words and prayer for me have really been bothering me alot and have reduced me to tears on several occasions in the past few days .

It hurts me to hear someone say that there is something that I can do that would change my relationship with God and that I have made a terrible mistake that God will be forever punishing me for in this life.

So, if God is punishing me for it then has he really forgiven me for it?

Why won't God forgive me my sins?

Does God really not love me anymore?

Why would she say that to me? Is it true ?

So many things have clouded my mind with what she said to me that it is hard for me right now to know what is truth. Like I said I lived with this woman and took classes with her as the teacher and took her husbands classes and general thought that she was a woman of God and everything. So it is hard for me not to take her seriously and in general not to get my feelings hurt.

The sermon this sunday morning in church was about not judging others. It was a real blessing to me and then the evening service was studied Psalm 119:121-128
And it really touched me also and I have been really encouraged by this passage.
I am trying to make it my prayer this week

Lord,
leave me not to my oppressors, Do not let the arrogant oppress me,
Deal with me in your love, Teach me more of you that I may understand & know your ways. Psalm 119:121-125 (Karen abbreviated version)

This week I started to go to a Bible study for women my age and really loved it. I even talked and cried in front of them and really felt at ease.

I hope that the Bible study will be a real blessing to me and a place for me to learn and to grow and to maybe make some friends ( we will see, I so don't do new people all that well at all) but I will try.

I think that I said this last week but it is so good to be back "home" at church and to really feel like I am growing and seeing God work in my life and feeling like again I hear Him talking to me in the sermons and lessons.

Pray for me that I will be able to know what is of God and what is not as I deal with my divorce and try to seek out God's will for my life these confusing days.

Karen

P.S.

I am sorry that this was so long.

Happy Birthday Janessa!

2008-10-26T01:31:00.003-06:00

So, I know that I was never around on your birthday, except in the gifts that I sent.

Tonight I was needing some "girl time" so I took my daughter out to the movies and then we drove home and sang in the car at the top of our lungs to Taylor Swift.

I had a great time!

When we were singing in the car and laughing I felt like you were there with us singing and laughing along.

I had a great time out tonight I wish that you were here with us.

I can't believe that you are 18.

I can't believe that you would be graduating this year.

I love you and miss you everyday,

come back to me in the happy times, come in on the chorus and laugh along when you hear me laughing and I will feel you here with me

I love you, Sissy

Karen

Humble

2008-10-25T17:52:00.003-06:00

So, yesterday was a huge dose of humble for me
no details but know that God is teaching me that He will provide ALL of my needs.
And that at the end of the day I am still a sinner in need of forgiveness and grace that I don't deserve at all and that all I have to do is humble myself and ask.
And the asking for me is the hardest part to admit to someone that I need something, or ask God for forgiveness when I know that I am so undeserving.

Karen

Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurts.
Who am I that the bright and morning star would care to light the way for my ever wandering heart.
Who am I that the eyes that see no sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again.
Who am I that the voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain and calm the storm in me. ~Casting Crowns

Mistakes

2008-10-22T23:34:00.003-06:00

So, I was reading the blog " Bring the Rain" again last night and she was talking to ladies who have had an abortion and were feeling the pain of that mistake on them and she was "preaching" to them that we are no longer help captive by those mistakes. ( for the record I have not had nor would I ever consider having an abortion EVER)

I have made some other huge mistakes in my life. I was encouraged by her words that we are no longer bound to the mistakes that we have made in life. That Jesus' blood paid for those mistakes. Jesus died so that I would not be held accountable for the mistakes that I make. That by His blood I am forgiven of my sins. It was nothing new to hear this
( I have grown up in church and have a degree in theology)
but again it touched me in a new way today to hear it in the place that I now sit.
Right in the middle of the biggest mess that I have been in. I hear again that Jesus died for my sins and it hits me that I am forgiven and that Jesus paid the debt that I owe for my sins.

I have been ransomed from my sins, no longer held captive.

karen

Home!

2008-10-22T23:24:00.003-06:00

I went to church tonight and again found my self at home there.
I love the people and they seem to be glad to see me back. They were even fighting over whose class I would help in tonight.
I am so glad that I have such a good church home here.
I have never had that before.
I love it.
I found out that many people at my church read my blog and I didn't know it. Which is fine but I had no idea that my life would be read worthy to a teenage boy but apparently it is .
So anyways
I just wanted to say that it is good to be home!
karen

so........(update)

2008-10-19T23:02:00.003-06:00

So its all over now
I went to court and didn't fall completely apart.
We are divorced. It will be final in 90 days.
I did not change my name.
I am still Karen Stacy.

I went to the doctor and that was more than great fun.
I will know the results of the tests in 7-10 days

I am going to fly back to Arlington on Monday
I have an apartment there all the way out almost in Kennedale
I have roomate that I have met once and she seems nice enough
(more on her later I am sure)
I am suppose to start back @ Fed- Ex this week sometime
I am so excited to be back where I feel at home and where I love to be.
Tony and I are suppose to start working on more things and being closer so we will see.
I am excited to be back where I have a church home to go to where I love the people and i feel a part.

Arlington Here I come!!!

Karen Stacy

Today

2008-10-15T22:41:00.002-06:00

So,
Today is the day
Today I am supposed to get divorced.
Everyday it has been getting closer everyday. And everyday I don't think that I can do it.
I don't want to.
I want to just go home and my husband and kids be there and this all be over.
9 months and 1 day later its all over.
We have been working on things oh so slowly.
I want this to never have happened.
This morning I am supposed to go before the judge and tell him that I don't want to be married, that I don't think that it will work, that I don't love him anymore.
And it will all be a lie.
I do want him .
I do want to be married.
I love him with all my heart and soul and everything else inside me I love him.

We have talked about it and he thinks that we should just close this chapter and start again and the get married again in the future if it works out again.
So ,
I guess that I am going to go try to do this.
Try to convince the judge that I really want this to happen
when I don't want this at all

I have been avoiding this whole thing .
Just wishing that it would go away and not be real.
That one day he will call me and say that its over and I can come home now.
That he forgives me from his heart and wants to live together again.

So, pray for me today as I hate this whole thing and don't really know what to do about it besides work and wish for better.

Oh yeah
and today they are going to go in and take a small bit of my cervix out (yes this has a big name that I can't spell or say correctly) to run some tests on it to see what is wrong with it
I hate doctors and doctors in my personals

I just hope that I make it through today one way or another

karen

moving

2008-10-07T14:29:00.002-06:00

I am moving back to Arlington.
It may be a huge mistake but I am going to find out.
I want to be close to my husband so we can work on our mess.
I want to be back at church where I fit.

karen

Happy birthday Dad!

2008-10-01T20:35:00.003-06:00

So , I have been waiting for you to send me a feather but I haven't found one.
I looked everywhere on your birthday but didn't find one.
I sent you a card with a feather on the front.
I know that you will never get it but I send you one every year.
Just because it makes me feel better to not forget your birthday.
I hope that maybe you are celebrating in heaven.
I hope that you somehow know that I am thinking of you today and everyday that you are gone.

Send me a feather to let me know you are thinking of me.
Send me happy memories.
I miss you
I love you, Dad

Karen

Would you like to take a survey????

2008-09-26T00:47:00.005-06:00

So, as some of you know and other may not I got a new job like 3 weeks ago.
I am a researcher. Wow sounds so exciting right!
Well I am a telemarketer who doesn't sell anything. I call people to take surveys.
So , I say " Would you like to take a survey?" about 1500 times a day.

So here is a brief FYI on the whole thing.
The next time that your phone rings unknown number and there is a person on the other end asking you to take a survey here are a few pointers.

Hanging up in their face will get you A) a call back some other day B) a call back every 3 mins because you are rude C) cause someone to lose their job for no producing because you are rude.

Being overly rude when someone is only asking you to take a survey is not cool. You will get no points from anybody for the number of telemarketers you cuss in one day ZERO points.

Yelling that you are on the "Do Not Call list" and slamming the phone down gets you nowhere but redialed another time or in like 3 mins.
The " Do not call list" is a list of numbers that cannot be called in hopes of selling something or getting a donation or contribution.
Surveys are free and it is the law that people who take surveys cannot be called back to be sold something due to what they said in the survey.
We have a do not call list that I may sign you up for if I want to if you are nice, don't yell about it, don't argue that you are already on it, try to tell me that I have broke the law and you are going to file a police report.
Don't tell me that you want my supervisor, because we don't have one who wants to talk to your rude ass anyways.
Oh yeah and after you nicely ask me to put you on the do not call list I will and after 30 days we can call you back about something different or the same project if we aren't done with it yet.

But why in these time of economic uncertainty would I put your name on the list or you would ask so that people can lose their jobs and have less work. Never ask for the do not call list it only hurts the working people.

If you just take the survey we won't call you back.

Freaking out that I am your husbands other girlfriend calling makes me laugh and redial you.
I am not calling to steal your man nor I am already his girl.
I am calling and asking for him because A) I have his name on the list to speak to only him. B) I have already talked to all the women that are needed in the survey. Oh yeah and there just might be the chance that I would lure him away that is also why I go to work is to call men on the other side of the country to try to take them from their wives..
So answering questions like these:
I am doing surveys of men aged 18-34 today is there one available that might come to the phone?
Answer: If he was available he wouldn't be living here.
Is the man of the house available?
Answer: If he was available he would be at your house and not mine.
May I speak to ____ Mans name?
Answer: He is my man what do you want with him?
And my all time favorite would be:

Can I speak to ___ mans name?
Answer: He is with OUR children I am His WIFE what can I do for you?

We are doing lost of political surveys so this means that you will have to talk about political issues.
So if you are asked who you might vote for then it is not the real vote and apparently not a secret ballot .
It is legal to ask you who you might vote for because I am not an election official nor do I really care.

It is against the law to call and try to get you to vote for someone.
I call and tell you all the bad and the good on both sides and then ask you based on what I just told you good and bad of both candidates who would you vote for.
I haven't swayed your vote because I provided and equal amount of information and asked a question.

How did I get your number?
The computer dialed it I don't have your number. I may have your name and address but I do not have your number.

Why am I calling so late?
The law allows me to call until 10PM whether or not you go to bed at 5 PM or not that is the law.
Sept - Nov. 15 I can call until 10:30 pm about political issues.
If you don't like it talk to the attorney general in your state don't yell at me I am getting paid to do this.

How many times are you going to call here today?
I can call you up to 5 times in one day and ask for you, 5 times to ask for you husband so I can steal him and 5 times for anyone else at this number. So if all of your children are still registered to vote at this address and number I will call 5 times for each of them.

All of the following are lame excuses as to why you don't want to take a survey:
and will only result in you getting called back.
I don't do surveys on the phone.
I don't want to help you.
I don't want to do any %&*@#!!! surveys!
I was just leaving.
I just got home.
My kids are awake.
My kids are asleep.
Its is the weekend.
Its is...
Monday....
Tuesday....
Wednesday....
Thursday....
Friday....
Saturday....
Sunday....
It is to early
It is to late
I was in bed
I am eating.
I can't talk.(?????????)
I don't have 3 mins.
I don't have an opinion.

Who are you calling for, who is paying for this survey?
I don't know and if I did I wouldn't tell you.
The whole point is to get and honest answer and if I told you who wanted to know then I could change your answers to match what I want( and lose my job) or you would change your answers.
We are a research company we don't work for a politician or the devil we are just doing surveys.
We don't know who we are working for so that the answers are not bias.

Don't say yes you want to take a survey and then refuse to answer the questions.
I mean HELLO I did not call to fight with you just to do my job honestly I might know where you live and I might ask for your address .
if I ask for your address and you refuse then I just talked to you for however long and did the survey and now I don't get credit for it because you are an ass.( and if I am not on quota I could lose my job because you took my time for nothing and now I don't have time before the hour is up to make up for your stupid self) Yeah sometimes I can Google you but that also takes time that I don't have because I am supposed to do surveys not Google assholes who say they will take a survey ,take the survey and then refuse answer questions.
Why do i want to know your age?
So that I can make sure that I have talked to people of all ages or the target group for the study.
Or so that I know that you can vote this year.

Why do I want to know your income?
So that I can make sure that I have the opinions of all people not just one category. Lie to me if it will make you feel better to say that you make more that 100 thousand a year.

Why do I want to know your race?
Again for statistics

Why do I want to know where you DON'T work?
So that your answers aren't bias.

Why do I want to know anything that I ask because they are paying me to ask you these questions.
My favorite question to ask anyone so far is:
If Six Flags was a person.... would you describe Six Flags as....
Intelligent?
I almost fell out of my chair when I read this aloud for the first time.

Yes I would love to hear you go one for 30mins about your own personal political agenda but then again I have surveys to do just answer the questions and get this over with.
The people who love to talk and not answer questions are always the ones who whine that it is taking too long and blame it on me when I can hardly get a word in .

Yes I would like to tell you what I think about things but I can't so don't get mad at me that its not fair that I won't tell you my answers to the questions I can't because then you might agree with me and then it would be my answers and not yours . Again I have to stay neutral.
And just in case you missed the memo :
Life isn't fair.

So the next time that you go to the phone and someone wants you to take a survey

Don't be an ASS
Boost the economy by keeping people employed and
Take the survey

and if I call you don't say anything about you know me just
TAKE THE SURVEY!
and don't blow my cover OK
hey
we all love an E survey of any kind this is the same thing but none of your myspace friends will know sorry.

this morning!

2008-09-23T22:59:00.002-06:00

*****
Update
I talked with that lady this morning. It was a very short interview ( 20 mins) and so I don't know if that is a good thing or not.
She seemed nice enough.
I think that her biggest concern is that I have never attended a church that big.( 1000 in sunday school)
So she asked for a picture of me ( I guess so that she can see that don't have purple hair or a ring in my face)
And some references.
so I will let you know when I do

Karen

I know that i am posting this late but i hope that maybe someone will read it before the morning or in the morning.
I have a phone interview in the morning with a church in Georgia
so pray for me and them
I am so nervous.
this will be my first time to talk to anyone about this type of thing
so
pray for me
Karen

last night/ today

2008-09-18T23:30:00.000-06:00

So last night after I posted on here I was just feeling like I needed more alone time with God.
So I began to pray and cry to God and beg him to give me the life that He wants for me above what I want.
I stayed up just being alone and listening to worship music and singing to God.
Something that has been more than lacking in my life of late. My new job requires that I work on sunday mornings for a month before I can ask to be moved to sunday afternoons.

After I had spent time with God I began to write in my diary and I thought that maybe I would share it here. I spent until about 4 Am with God and really felt his presence around me.

I know not if it is the lateness of the hour , the tiredness of my mind, the wake fullness of my soul, or the heaviness of my heart that draws my pen to the paper.
All that I really know is that I want to worship again wholeheartedly, truly worship, to throw up my hands and sing out loud and let the burdens of my heart be carried away in to the song of love. To say and mean I love you Lord, to feel so close to Him & again know His presence. To rid myself of the sins that weighs me down & holds me back from the true worship that you deserve to once again give my whole self in reckless abandon. To give up me for thee. to feel again a purpose for going on. let me find you again in the quiet of the night , the brightness of morning & the busy of the day Let me find you again Lord.

So then today I was at work and got a message from a church wanting to talk to me about the Resume' I had sent to them.
I have been sending them out to anywhere that is looking for a year and have ZERO calls or emails ever.
I was encouraged that my prayers and the prayers of others were heard today.

Chosen? Love?

2008-09-18T00:24:00.000-06:00

It is said so many times especially in Christian circles that we are the "chosen ones" that we as Christians were chosen for the Savior to live a life for him and through him. I read another blog
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/09/scarlet-cord.html
that is written by Angie a woman that I do not know in real life who writes to deal with the Choosing of God to take her day old daughter home to rest in His arms.
I was reading what she last wrote about that has to do with being "chosen". She recounts the story of Rahab from the book of Joshua ( in the Bible) She was a hooker who hid men who had been sent into her country to spy and not only hid them but lied to the authorities on their behalf. Because of this ( The lying not the hooking) she was chosen to be in the linage of Jesus.
She was just a hooker, hiding men in her home and lying and yet chosen of God to be in the human lineage of Jesus. Angie writes somewhere down in the middle of her post that we are all chosen of God. ( You really should click the link and read it for yourself she is twice the writer that I can dream of being)

God! God? God.
After reading this I am struck again. I have been chosen by the God of the Bible
Jehovah Jireh, my provider, God the Same God is Love God.
He chose me?
Why would he ever choose me?
Is this the life he really chose for me or am I making all my own mess now?
Is this the life chosen for me by the one who loves me beyond all?
Being born to a mother who never wanted a little girl , Who will willingly quote herself saying while pregnant that she knew I was a boy because God would never curse her with a little girl.
Living in the shadow of my brother the only wanted child and being his scape goat for all childhood crimes.
Grow up longing to go to school.
To live at least the first sixteen years of my life without anyone ever touching me for any reason other than to discipline me(hurt me)
To not know how to touch other people and not know how to love a child for fear of being weird.
To only know touch as a sexual thing and struggle to understand that not all touches mean sex or pain.
To live nineteen years without ever hearing either one of my parents even lie to say that they love me.

To now have to try to say it to my mother who chokes it out as an ending to some phone conversations.
This is what love chose for me?
To not have the option to attend an academically accredited college for lack of high school diploma or records. Something that my brother was afforded.

To have a degree in Theology but have essentially no use for because of my looming divorce.
To never work in the capacity in a church that I felt once that I was called to because of a failed marriage.
To long for a child of my very own.

To have lost the love of my life for neither one of us knowing when we needed help.
To know that I threw away what might have been everything for today.

To know that because of my selfishness my son who was potty trained and eating at the table and bottle weaned and asking and talking, is now in diapers and bottle fed and now whining and not talking anymore for his father not having the help to raise three kids and work.

To wake everyday and wonder what I am doing with my life.
To not know why anything has happened to me.

To find a family and to really fit with them to hear all of them say that they love me and hug me and miss me and want me to be more a part of them. To finally fit somewhere in the world.
And then they are chosen to go to worship God at his feet.

Again is this the life that love chose for me?

I am struggling to know why God chose me I was damaged from the time I was a small child and knew that I was un wanted by my parents and not know why they didn't want me .

To watch many of my closest friends lose children to death, foster care, and custody cases.
And wonder all the time why I didn't die or be taken away .
I have watch my friend cry for her five daughters who were taken and adopted away. I watched her love them and miss them and fight for them To spend money she didn't have to go to court to fight for them and know all the while that if I had been taken no one would care or fight for me.
As I sit with another grieving mother who just buried her child and cry. I can't help but think that if it was my mother she would be glad of the reprieve of responcibility.

This is what love chose for us?
I think of those who have lost and wonder again this is what love chose for them, for me. This is it Love chose this for me.
Maybe me skewed version of a homelife helped me to a point that I might be able to accept this as love. Just as I did a spanking for love from my mother.
We were all chosen

My fellow blogger Angie ( bring the rain) said it and made her whole house bracelets to wear prolaiming their choseness.
Her baby died in her arms and yet she says that she was chosen for this?
That her baby was chosen to die? She was chosen to carry that load?
And love the load giver just the same poison or candy chosen to carry tht load just the same??

I just can't understand her faith and at the same time long for a faith inside of me that I can't understand.

So here you are again!

2008-09-16T22:46:00.000-06:00

What a great surprise to find the feather that you sent laying behind the couch when I got home from such a long day!

Why did you send me a feather today?

I know that I have been thinking about you an awful lot these days and wishing you but a phone call away to lend some advice my way but alas a lack.

I know that next week is your birthday so I have been wondering how you celebrate birthdays there? Or are you much to lost in worship to even think of yourself and stop to celebrate your birthday. I guess that it is a weird concept there to think of the day that you were sent to earth. But still I wonder what the cake tastes like up there.

I took a picture of your tattoo to an artist to day to see about getting a cover up for the dumb thing and looking for some other thing to celebrate your life to put in another place.

I am not covering it up because I no longer love or remember you just because the dumb letters are backwards and it drives me crazy!!!

So , I will see in a few days if I can find anything suitable to cover it up with.

I have some ideas for another tattoo, I am thinking of putting it on my rib cage although I am not sure yet.

So Send me more feathers on my hard days and I will think about you often and smile

I love you -- Dad

I miss you, come back to me as happy memories.

*************************************************************************************

Anyone else who may draw or know anyone who is good at drawing and would like to lend some help.

I am looking to cover this tattoo up and start again with anything else

If you have any ideas for a cover up just let me know or draw something if you think you have a good idea.

9/11

2008-09-12T17:51:00.000-06:00

Here it is Sept. 11 again and you came back to me again.

I didn't even know what day it was until i got to work and started to fill out my paper work.

Right away I knew why I had had the dream of you. It is because that was a special day that we spent together. Looking back even though it was a day of high fear and unsettling events I would have to say it was my favorite day with you. I was so scared and you quelled my fears. I even cried and you dried my tears. You hugged me and I felt so safe even though the world was coming undone. Now that dream that woke me.

We were at a church of some kind although I can't say that I have ever been there. Mom was teaching and as per the usual me I said something and then got up to leave and make a scene. No one followed me. So I sat on an old couch and waited for the lesson to be over, while I was waiting Jayden came and sat beside me and I do remember him looking into my eyes and but he didn't say anything at all. he just looked at me and sad to say I couldn't not read what his eyes were saying to me.

Then the lesson got over and the door was opened and I saw Janessa there laughing and joking and smiling. She was drinking red pop of some kind and laughed so hard that it spewed from her mouth and then there was more laughter.

We left the church and went swimming. And when we got there I was going on a slide and somehow this little brown haired, brown eyed girl was there and she was somehow your daughter

too. So weird. So anyhow I took her with me on the slide because she was so little. ( like 3-4 years old) You were waiting for us at the bottom and smiled so big to see us. You didn't have your glasses on I guess because we were swimming but you were not your sober, quiet self but so happy and laughing.

Just as I could see you and look at you in the face I woke up.

I had no idea what day it was or why you had come back to me.

I found the feather that you sent me.

I hope that I always find them when you send them to me.

I love you and miss you, Dad

Send me more feathers and I will think of you.

I remembered you today and smiled.

Send me more happy memories and I will never forget them.

Wishing, wanting,hurting & crying. ( A poem )

2008-09-09T00:25:00.000-06:00

This pain inside me sometimes over takes me leaving me nothing but tears and fears.
No attachment to anyone, no reason to call me, no reason to write, no reason at all.
Nothing holds me to anyone.
I stand alone, unfairly served this plate, having to drink of this bitter cup, no one to think about.
Alone and scared that I will forever be alone wandering in this world without someone that matters tied to me.
Drowning in the darkness that loneliness brings.
Sometimes I can’t wade, sometimes I won’t swim just want to breathe deep and let the water flow in.
Never a baby always blood, not just a tear always a flood.
I stand alone in the middle of here wishing so much that I had a tie to there.
A life to hold me to someone, something to pull me out of here.
So far behind, so far to go, so much that I will never know.
Wanting so much to have a future, wanting so much to have a purpose, wanting so much to have a family wanting so much, that’s not for me.
Alone I stand wanting to be something to someone other than me.
Forever disconnected to a life that I want so much.
Wanting to be connected to a life, wanting to go on.
Longing for a life connection
Wishing and wanting hurting and crying, deep inside all I can feel is dying.
Wishing and wanting hurting and crying my eyes out until I can no longer see everything that I cannot be.

Babies babies everywhere!

2008-09-03T17:23:00.000-06:00

Sorry that i have been absent from writing but i have been gone to visit my grandma and celebrate my 21st birthday(for the 4th time).

It was expected that my best guy friend would have his baby on my birthday, but the baby didn't come until this morning .
( I told him to kiss that baby twice for not stealing my birthday!)

It was so excited when i found out that the baby was coming but this morning when i get the picture on my phone I began to feel that same old feeling that i get when another of my friends procreates.
Sadness, longing, jealousy, anger, left out and just generally upset that it wasn't my turn.

I am always the last or the only one of my friends to ever do anything.
I was the last to lose my virginity although I really didn't care to rush that day cause I was waiting for someone not going for anyone.
I was the last to start college.
The only one to finish college.
I was the first to marry.
The first to file for divorce.
And I am now the only one with out a kid or two .

I want to have a baby so bad I want to be pregnant I want to be a mommy. I want to stay up all night with a crying baby. I want to have bills i can't pay for buying diapers. I want to have to search for a decent daycare. I want it all. I want a mess because my children have played. I want dishes in the sink because my children have ate. I want a mess in the bathroom because my children are clean. I want a carseat to ruin the upholstery in my backseat. I want to have to change because there is puke on me. I want to go to the school about my child. I want to leave work for my sick child. I want to take my child to the doctor.
I want my children to hurry up and come.

I want to be called Mommy!

My husband and I waited and tried for 34 months to get pregnant.
Waited for a baby, waited for 2 pink lines, waited to wake up and puke, waited for everything that never came.
I have felt this pain before I have held and cooed over many a cute baby. I have watched many a darling baby. But I have always had the arms of my husband who wants this just as bad, who knows why walking past the baby aisle can bring me to tears. Who knows that seeing other children play or be held by their mother can reduce me to a flood. My husband who knows and feels my pain and his own when another friend announces that they are expecting.
We always joke with each other that we are expecting too expecting to have a baby someday.

So as I pick and pack up yet another baby gift to send to another friend who has succeeded in doing what I can't I pray that I will have the strength to say aloud and truthfully... Congrats!
I pray that as the pick dwindles that maybe I will have a chance to be picked next.
I am sure though as I name off my close friends and even a few distant ones that I am one of maybe 3 yet to be picked to play the game of parent.

I know that I sound like a 3rd grade nerd who never gets picked for baseball, but that is mostly how I feel. I don't understand why everyone else seems so much more fit to parent than me.
I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I mean I realize that my mom never told me how this works but I pretty sure that I know what to do, I know so much about what I want and nothing about how to get it.

So, I am now officially the aunt to 4 precious boys. ( and mother to none)

Statue of Liberty

2008-08-24T21:35:00.000-06:00

I am starting to feel like the statue of Liberty.
No I am not made of copper but I am turning green.
I have been wearing a ring that I got at a dollar store in place of my wedding rings.
Because I feel very naked/ missing without my wedding rings on.
But the ring is cheap and made of copper and turning my finger green.
He took my rings and the jailer refused to give them to me because I hadn't reported them stolen. He took them to jail with him. I haven't had them on in so long. I really hope that they haven't ended up in a cheap pawn shop or worse... on someone else's hands.
That was my ring the long awaited and long shopped for ring. The ring that was such a surprise after the ring that we had picked out was discontinued :(. My ring that was my constant reminder of the promise given to me. My ring!
I miss my rings and the promise that was attached to them.

One More Time

2008-08-19T18:48:00.000-06:00

One More Time
I just want one more,
One more time, a longing for a moment, longing for a moment that hangs on just a bit longer than it should.
One more hug, one more pat, one more frown.
One more I love you, one more knowing that it is truer than true. One more mine, one more yours.
One more time for opened doors. One more shopping til midnight, one more feeling that this is right.
One more you got mail, one more new mailbox.
One more lock the doors, one more pay attention.
One more time for shower, one more wash my hair, one more Ill be there.
One more night on the bench, one more night in his arms.
One more fireworks, one more phone call.
One more butthead, one more brat.
One more baby don't say that your fat.
One more kiss on the phone, one more night all alone.
One more leave the door cracked.
One more ill never go back.
One more Mommy mommy running jumping in my arms.
One more dinner as a family.
One more walk, one more park.
Lets just feed one more duck.
One more coming home to us.
One more order of flowers on my desk.
One more I have a plan to take you somewhere.
One more I found a song for you.
One more text with a song in it.
One more singing to me in the car.
One more plan for the future.
One more fight over baby names.
One more hoping its a baby.
One more wishing that it would happen.
One more where is your ring.
One more your my everything.
One more I miss you.
One more come here and let me kiss you.
One more time and one more minute one more hour to be together.

Just one more of everything that made us a family, that made us US.
But, even just one more would leave us so far from where I want to be.
I just want to go home to my husband , my children, my life that was everything that I ever wanted.
I just want more than I will ever get to have again.

August 17th

2008-08-18T12:11:00.000-06:00

So, Yesterday was August 17. Yes, I know that it amazing that I can read a calendar.

August 17 2005, Laying in the floor of my brother's bed room in my parents old house. I finally worked up the courage to ask Tony if he would go out with me on Friday. He said yes! and I replied that I had already been promised a date with him but it was nice to know that He would go willingly.( My cousin Ben had already promised that Tony would take me out .)

August 17 2006
Tony and I are still together and we are home as it is a school night and have the kids home with us. he calls to me from the kitchen and asks with a smile on his face if I would spend the rest of my life with him. to which i most flippantly respond " of course, don't you know I love you" and return to my dishes. He again calls me to him and asks me to sit with him which is making me mad cause there is alot to do before I go to bed and the house is a wreck. ( as you get to know me you will know that my house no matter the level of cleanliness can always me cleaner)
I sit with him and he pulls out a ring box and I just begin to weep and smile and then he asks me again to stay with him forever and I say " Yes! Yes! Yes!"

August 17 2007
Tony and I have just gone through a very very hard time in our relationship. We are at "Bennigan's" where we went on our first date and we have a great quiet dinner and then he tricks me into ordering a dessert and it arrives with a diamond ring in the strawberry atop the chocolate cake . ( I know chocolate and Diamonds!) And then he asks me again to marry him and I say "Yes" and cry all over myself in public. (which is not something that I do)

August 17 2008
I am in Arlington. Today would be three years but instead of spending today with my husband I am driving 80 miles an hour, 7 00 miles in the opposite direction of him . It rains long and steady for most of the day. I sit quietly and just watch the rain and cry a bit and hurt inside.

I have seen him once in 3 months. I haven't touched my husband since the night that the police dragged him out of our house. We have only had limited phone contact and a very little of that has been civil.

Sometimes I just want to go home back to our house back to coming home to a family, a routine, children in the house, Come home to Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! running and jumping into my arms. Come home to make dinner , to wash the dishes , and to run a load of wash, to give one screaming, fighting child a bath. To lay my baby down to bed , with a "kiss kiss mommy" just as soon as i get to the door of his room. One more waking up @ 4 am to wake my baby for daycare. One more day to be a family again, to have a child again, to be someones Mommy! again.

I know that no matter what I want or think some days that I want we will never be together again , we will never be a family, I won't ever be his mommy again.

Maybe the hardest part of yesterday was knowing that I was probably the only person who took even 10 seconds to think about what the day meant, to miss what we had, and to wish for something more.