judge me not

On Friday night I went to Judgement House at Calvary Baptist in Grand Prairie.

It is like a drama that you walk through and watch a different scene from a play in each room.

The play follows 4 people in their last hour of life and then into eternity.

It shows that half of the people go to heaven and the other half to hell and then it takes you through hell and then into heaven.

It was a very good play and the place was packed we had to wait for an hour and a half to start the walk that takes 59 mins.

But anyways, at the end of the play they take you into a large room and everyone gets to talk to a counselor about the choices that they have made and whether or not they would go to heaven if they died within the hour.

So the counselor who chose me just so happened to be the "dorm mother" that I had for the entire time that I lived in the dorms at school(4 years). And since she was sure of my salvation she decided to catch me up on her life and then began to ask about where I was in life.

I told her that I had gotten married and the divorced and that I was really broken up about the whole thing and began to cry talking about the whole thing.



She then in all of the love that she had in her heart told me in no uncertain terms that I had sinned against God big time and that I knew that getting a Divorce was wrong and how could I have ever done this to God and to me and that I was a HUGE sinner and need to pray right then to ask God for forgiveness and plead for his mercy because I knowingly sinned against God.

She then told me that even though we are divorced that in God's eyes he is still my husband and always will be, that I can never have another man for the rest of my life and that is to be my punishment for sinning against God's will for my life.



So , she says that I need to go to my husband and make things right and demand that he take me back because I have prayed and asked God's forgiveness so he then would automatically forgive me and take me back.

I told her that we had been working on things and he was not ready to jump back into things right now and that we had a long way to go to make things right between us.

She then in all of her righteousness told me that I should continue to sleep with my husband and to make him happy.

And to try by all means possible to make him happy in all ways so that we can get back together.

So, then she says that we don't have to get married again because we still are married in God's eyes.

So in short a woman that I respected her faith and walk with God told me that I should sleep with a man that I am not married to and try to get him to move in with me and that we should live happily ever after and not get married.(again)



Her words and prayer for me have really been bothering me alot and have reduced me to tears on several occasions in the past few days .

It hurts me to hear someone say that there is something that I can do that would change my relationship with God and that I have made a terrible mistake that God will be forever punishing me for in this life.

So, if God is punishing me for it then has he really forgiven me for it?

Why won't God forgive me my sins?

Does God really not love me anymore?

Why would she say that to me? Is it true ?

So many things have clouded my mind with what she said to me that it is hard for me right now to know what is truth. Like I said I lived with this woman and took classes with her as the teacher and took her husbands classes and general thought that she was a woman of God and everything. So it is hard for me not to take her seriously and in general not to get my feelings hurt.

The sermon this sunday morning in church was about not judging others. It was a real blessing to me and then the evening service was studied Psalm 119:121-128
And it really touched me also and I have been really encouraged by this passage.
I am trying to make it my prayer this week

Lord,
leave me not to my oppressors, Do not let the arrogant oppress me,
Deal with me in your love, Teach me more of you that I may understand & know your ways. Psalm 119:121-125 (Karen abbreviated version)

This week I started to go to a Bible study for women my age and really loved it. I even talked and cried in front of them and really felt at ease.

I hope that the Bible study will be a real blessing to me and a place for me to learn and to grow and to maybe make some friends ( we will see, I so don't do new people all that well at all) but I will try.

I think that I said this last week but it is so good to be back "home" at church and to really feel like I am growing and seeing God work in my life and feeling like again I hear Him talking to me in the sermons and lessons.

Pray for me that I will be able to know what is of God and what is not as I deal with my divorce and try to seek out God's will for my life these confusing days.

Karen

P.S.

I am sorry that this was so long.

Happy Birthday Janessa!

So, I know that I was never around on your birthday, except in the gifts that I sent.

Tonight I was needing some "girl time" so I took my daughter out to the movies and then we drove home and sang in the car at the top of our lungs to Taylor Swift.

I had a great time!

When we were singing in the car and laughing I felt like you were there with us singing and laughing along.

I had a great time out tonight I wish that you were here with us.

I can't believe that you are 18.

I can't believe that you would be graduating this year.

I love you and miss you everyday,

come back to me in the happy times, come in on the chorus and laugh along when you hear me laughing and I will feel you here with me

I love you, Sissy



Karen

Humble

So, yesterday was a huge dose of humble for me
no details but know that God is teaching me that He will provide ALL of my needs.
And that at the end of the day I am still a sinner in need of forgiveness and grace that I don't deserve at all and that all I have to do is humble myself and ask.
And the asking for me is the hardest part to admit to someone that I need something, or ask God for forgiveness when I know that I am so undeserving.

Karen

Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurts.
Who am I that the bright and morning star would care to light the way for my ever wandering heart.
Who am I that the eyes that see no sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again.
Who am I that the voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain and calm the storm in me. ~Casting Crowns

Mistakes

So, I was reading the blog " Bring the Rain" again last night and she was talking to ladies who have had an abortion and were feeling the pain of that mistake on them and she was "preaching" to them that we are no longer help captive by those mistakes. ( for the record I have not had nor would I ever consider having an abortion EVER)

I have made some other huge mistakes in my life. I was encouraged by her words that we are no longer bound to the mistakes that we have made in life. That Jesus' blood paid for those mistakes. Jesus died so that I would not be held accountable for the mistakes that I make. That by His blood I am forgiven of my sins. It was nothing new to hear this
( I have grown up in church and have a degree in theology)
but again it touched me in a new way today to hear it in the place that I now sit.
Right in the middle of the biggest mess that I have been in. I hear again that Jesus died for my sins and it hits me that I am forgiven and that Jesus paid the debt that I owe for my sins.

I have been ransomed from my sins, no longer held captive.


karen

Home!

I went to church tonight and again found my self at home there.
I love the people and they seem to be glad to see me back. They were even fighting over whose class I would help in tonight.
I am so glad that I have such a good church home here.
I have never had that before.
I love it.
I found out that many people at my church read my blog and I didn't know it. Which is fine but I had no idea that my life would be read worthy to a teenage boy but apparently it is .
So anyways
I just wanted to say that it is good to be home!
karen

so........(update)

So its all over now
I went to court and didn't fall completely apart.
We are divorced. It will be final in 90 days.
I did not change my name.
I am still Karen Stacy.

I went to the doctor and that was more than great fun.
I will know the results of the tests in 7-10 days

I am going to fly back to Arlington on Monday
I have an apartment there all the way out almost in Kennedale
I have roomate that I have met once and she seems nice enough
(more on her later I am sure)
I am suppose to start back @ Fed- Ex this week sometime
I am so excited to be back where I feel at home and where I love to be.
Tony and I are suppose to start working on more things and being closer so we will see.
I am excited to be back where I have a church home to go to where I love the people and i feel a part.

Arlington Here I come!!!

Karen Stacy

Today

So,
Today is the day
Today I am supposed to get divorced.
Everyday it has been getting closer everyday. And everyday I don't think that I can do it.
I don't want to.
I want to just go home and my husband and kids be there and this all be over.
9 months and 1 day later its all over.
We have been working on things oh so slowly.
I want this to never have happened.
This morning I am supposed to go before the judge and tell him that I don't want to be married, that I don't think that it will work, that I don't love him anymore.
And it will all be a lie.
I do want him .
I do want to be married.
I love him with all my heart and soul and everything else inside me I love him.

We have talked about it and he thinks that we should just close this chapter and start again and the get married again in the future if it works out again.
So ,
I guess that I am going to go try to do this.
Try to convince the judge that I really want this to happen
when I don't want this at all

I have been avoiding this whole thing .
Just wishing that it would go away and not be real.
That one day he will call me and say that its over and I can come home now.
That he forgives me from his heart and wants to live together again.

So, pray for me today as I hate this whole thing and don't really know what to do about it besides work and wish for better.

Oh yeah
and today they are going to go in and take a small bit of my cervix out (yes this has a big name that I can't spell or say correctly) to run some tests on it to see what is wrong with it
I hate doctors and doctors in my personals

I just hope that I make it through today one way or another

karen

moving

I am moving back to Arlington.
It may be a huge mistake but I am going to find out.
I want to be close to my husband so we can work on our mess.
I want to be back at church where I fit.

karen

Happy birthday Dad!

So , I have been waiting for you to send me a feather but I haven't found one.
I looked everywhere on your birthday but didn't find one.
I sent you a card with a feather on the front.
I know that you will never get it but I send you one every year.
Just because it makes me feel better to not forget your birthday.
I hope that maybe you are celebrating in heaven.
I hope that you somehow know that I am thinking of you today and everyday that you are gone.

Send me a feather to let me know you are thinking of me.
Send me happy memories.
I miss you
I love you, Dad

Karen