So, ever since before I left the hospital( Millwood) , people have been using this phrase
"Get Better" When I asked the doctor when I could leave he said "When you get better".
When I talk to Tony about our relationship and where it is headed he says we will talk about it when I "Get better".
Other people have said things like I am glad to see you "getting better".
But what in the world does better actually look like? I have no idea.
I still feel the same most of most days. I still have to fight to get out of bed to go to work and then sleep the rest of the day and night away for lack of anything else to do or anyone to see or anything.
I still fight to want to live ,to want to try ,to want to go on with life.
I still think about what if I wasn't alive 'cause I don't want to be alive, most of the time.
I still don't know how to overcome the thoughts that trap me and don't let me see out.
I still don't know if I will ever do anything that is worth going on towards.
I still dont know if I will ever get better
The only thing that I do get out of bed for and look forward to is
Going to my church.
I love the people and I think that they love me to.
They are the only reason I have to do anything other than lie about and try to sleep to escape the thoughts and plans I have.
They act like they need me and they think that even though I can only barely play that I should play piano for them, they think that even though I can hardly convey a thought that I should teach,
If not for them I probably would not be here ,
thank you guys so much for loving me as I am
and thinking the world of me when I am nothing
thank you for lifting me up when I am down and lost
thank you for needing me and my lack of talent
thank you for wanting me to be there with you praising our God together
thank you for everything that you mean to me
Without you I will never "Get better". ( if I ever do)
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Getting Better?
Posted by karenstacy at 1:50 PM
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3 comments:
I believe that you are back for a reason. To be part of a mighty work God is going to do within our church family. I do love you. And I DO need you. And not only that, but God ADORES you and wants to take what you call "no talent" and transform it to be something that He uses for His glory.
I know I don't know you very well..but from what I do know about you...you are a sweet and beautiful girl...that seem's to really love the Lord..and you do have a purpose..you are here for a reason...and I know you are going to do great thing's for God..I will keep praying for you...I am sorry about what you are going through.
I agree with Taylor. Your coming back to church is an answer to prayer. We need you very much. You are definitely here for a reason. Not only so that you can help us but also so that we can help you through this difficult time. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. We love you and will be there for you when you need us.
Gena
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