Somewhere down in Kansas..........

So, I promised the whole story of why I am here somewhere down in Kansas.

There was so much that happened I think that a time line would be best to explain.
Tues. Feb. 10-
I return from Nebraska late in the evening to visit my kids and Tony. I get my Valentines gift from him we spend lots of time cuddling and such. I cry my face off in his arms and beg him with all that I have inside me not to go. I cry all the way home and cry my self to sleep.

Wed. Feb.11 -
Tony takes an early am flight to Wisconsin to meet his Internet girlfriend of 8 months. Who up until this point was not really real to me.
When he calls me from the plane to say that he is really leaving to really go out there. I fall apart, I cry my face off again and it hurts all over my body such that I don't know what to do. I get a razor and carve "FAILURE" into my forearm.
Go pick my kids up from school hang out with them and their mom and step-dad.
Get a long lecture from Kyle on how failure is not ever an option.
I go to church and lose myself in the activity and laughter of children.

Thurs.
Don't go to work. Don't get out of bed until 8pm. Go to visit a pastor friend of mine and bleed and cry with him. He prays for me and I feel better even though I'm sure that God has forgotten about me at this point.

Fri.
Go to work but leave early and go to bed.
Hang out with my kids and their step-brother and cousin.
Take my kids to mall and walk around until it closes.
Go out to eat with my brother in-law. Talk with him and cry in public. (not something I ever, ever, ever do) Stay up all night talking with him.

Sat. Valentines day
Go to work.
Go home and pick my arm again to feel the pain get out of me.
My cousin Ben comes in from Houston to visit me and tries to talk to me about divorce and moving on. I hear none of this. He goes home and tells his mom who tells her sister ,who tells my grandma, who tell my aunt, who tells my mom that I am not OK.
Spend day and night with my kids and take them home with me to stay the night.
Call Tony to say Happy Valentines Day! He says I will never see my kids again and that we are over forever. I cry to him and he hangs up in my face. Cry again with my brother in-law.
Watch my kids sleep in my bed and cry all night not wanting to miss a moment with them.
Slice a large gash in the bend of my arm and let it bleed out everywhere.
Freak out and try to clean that up so the kids aren't freaked.

Sun. Feb 15 Our wedding anniversary
Take kids to church.
Ask someone at church for help and show them my scars and get no help or advice.
Stay at church til 2:30
Go to mall with kids
Return to church
Take kids home
Let kids run wild and rent 'R' rated movies and stay up all night playing ( well til 2 am)
Carve Feb.15 into my other arm
Sleep finally watching my kids sleep and hearing the soft sounds of rest .


****Meanwhile somewhere down in Kansas. A deacon board is meeting and decides to send the entire church staff from their church to Euless to a conference.
Enter my other mother onto the scene.
*****Meanwhile someone from my church sees the pain on my arms and call Ginger to tattle on me.
I don't know who you are but thank you.



Mon. Feb. 16
Wake up and get kids dressed and put the house back together.
Take kids to Wal-mart.
Explain to kids that I might never get to see them again.
We all cry. I hurt all over watching them cry.
Ginger calls to see if I am OK
I tell her the truth
I get my kids picked up and go to talk to her
Ginger and Richard ( my Sunday School teachers) Talk to me and tell me how it has to be
They say that I am going back to Millwood Hospital.
I flat out refuse.
She calls my other mother who is un known to me just ten mins away in Euless to ask her what to do with me.
She says she is going to take me home with her somewhere down in Kansas.

At this point I am left with a choice.
Go back to the hospital and do that whole thing again or go with my other mother and get my life straight.
It might sound like an easy choice but it was not and it is not easy to choose everyday to get up and work on getting better, to work on all of the junk that is inside of me.
To try to work on this mess and not cut.

This is so hard and I am not so sure that I will be able to do it.
Getting better, doing better and being better will take alot of time and hard work of looking at the demons that I have hid in my heart for so long and facing them and conquering them.

Again
It matters that you pray for me

Karen
who is
Somewhere down in Kansas.

P.S.
if you want my snail mail address email me:

pinkieforever21@YAHOO.COM