Happy Birthday Boys!

Aidan's Birthday was Friday May 8th.
Three years old!
All day my heart was sick that I was not doing anything for him.
I was not cleaning my house nor decorating. I have not ordered a cake. I have not shopped for a gift that will thrill him. I have not sent invitations out, or set a time and date to celebrate with friends and family.
I have not taken the annual Aidan with Daddy picture ,nor framed it up with the rest of them counting the third birthday that we have shared with you.

Tomorrow is Kyle's Birthday.
14 already??!!?? When did this happen?

Again I feel as if I have failed you also.
Both of my boys deserve a better life and a better birthday than what I have made happen for them.

One year ago today it began.
The beginning of the end of being the wife and mother that I wanted to be.

Last year we had a big party for Aidan.
Last year I got Mother's Day presents and flowers and a picnic in the park and a bottle of rum to share with friends and friends to share it with.
Last year Josh was on my mind in the midst of all else.
I was battling inside my mind if I was the person who thought about such things and was I the person who acted on such thoughts.
I was trying to figure out if I was happy or if I could walk away.
One week later I walked away from the life that I loved and wanted to the life that I thought was all that I deserved to have.

One year later Josh is on my doorstep, Tony is in my mind and my boys are on my heart.
One year later I know what I should have done, I know where I want to be and that is so far away from reality.



I don't want to be who I am in reality,
because in reality I am
divorced, single, childless.
Going forward is so hard when the past is what I want.

Karen

P.S.
I am sorry this was kinda all over the place.