Standing still.

I went canoeing today, so nice to just sit in the water and float along thinking about everything.

If you look at the water or the sky you cannot tell that you are moving along at all. Life and the world keeps moving on flowing towards the ocean but I am standing still. Floating along in this river not knowing when I will get to the end not knowing if there is an end. Will I ever get out? The world just keeps moving on , I am broken hearted and heavy with emotions and it doesn't matter to anyone.

I had written this in my journal back in July(when canoeing in Nebraska was an option) and still today I am there

Life is still moving on, other people are expecting babies, other people are planning weddings, and graduations. The rest of the world knows where their journey will end, they have a ticket to get off this boat at a certain stop and I am standing still. Some how life has passed me by and I sit here waiting looking at this river and not knowing if I am moving or not, looking at the sky and not knowing if I am moving or not. Yet everything in my life has changed, but does that mean that I have. My life has come undone and yet I feel like I am standing still. I'm still not pregnant, still not married, still don't have any kids, still hurting inside because they died and left me all alone. I am still not anything that I want to be or anything that I should be. I still just wish that I would die because at least that would be a change in my life. But I failed at that too.

I am going to be in two weddings this year neither mine,
I am going to watch five babies be born and grow, none mine.

Life will go on this year for everyone and I will stand and watch.
I can't make him love me again, no matter how hard I try, I can't make a baby no matter how hard I try,I can't bring them back to me no matter how much I want to.

I am a girl, born to be a sister, daughter, mother & wife yet I fail at the very thing that I was made to do.