Statue of Liberty

I am starting to feel like the statue of Liberty.
No I am not made of copper but I am turning green.
I have been wearing a ring that I got at a dollar store in place of my wedding rings.
Because I feel very naked/ missing without my wedding rings on.
But the ring is cheap and made of copper and turning my finger green.
He took my rings and the jailer refused to give them to me because I hadn't reported them stolen. He took them to jail with him. I haven't had them on in so long. I really hope that they haven't ended up in a cheap pawn shop or worse... on someone else's hands.
That was my ring the long awaited and long shopped for ring. The ring that was such a surprise after the ring that we had picked out was discontinued :(. My ring that was my constant reminder of the promise given to me. My ring!
I miss my rings and the promise that was attached to them.

One More Time

One More Time
I just want one more,
One more time, a longing for a moment, longing for a moment that hangs on just a bit longer than it should.
One more hug, one more pat, one more frown.
One more I love you, one more knowing that it is truer than true. One more mine, one more yours.
One more time for opened doors. One more shopping til midnight, one more feeling that this is right.
One more you got mail, one more new mailbox.
One more lock the doors, one more pay attention.
One more time for shower, one more wash my hair, one more Ill be there.
One more night on the bench, one more night in his arms.
One more fireworks, one more phone call.
One more butthead, one more brat.
One more baby don't say that your fat.
One more kiss on the phone, one more night all alone.
One more leave the door cracked.
One more ill never go back.
One more Mommy mommy running jumping in my arms.
One more dinner as a family.
One more walk, one more park.
Lets just feed one more duck.
One more coming home to us.
One more order of flowers on my desk.
One more I have a plan to take you somewhere.
One more I found a song for you.
One more text with a song in it.
One more singing to me in the car.
One more plan for the future.
One more fight over baby names.
One more hoping its a baby.
One more wishing that it would happen.
One more where is your ring.
One more your my everything.
One more I miss you.
One more come here and let me kiss you.
One more time and one more minute one more hour to be together.

Just one more of everything that made us a family, that made us US.
But, even just one more would leave us so far from where I want to be.
I just want to go home to my husband , my children, my life that was everything that I ever wanted.
I just want more than I will ever get to have again.

August 17th

So, Yesterday was August 17. Yes, I know that it amazing that I can read a calendar.

August 17 2005, Laying in the floor of my brother's bed room in my parents old house. I finally worked up the courage to ask Tony if he would go out with me on Friday. He said yes! and I replied that I had already been promised a date with him but it was nice to know that He would go willingly.( My cousin Ben had already promised that Tony would take me out .)

August 17 2006
Tony and I are still together and we are home as it is a school night and have the kids home with us. he calls to me from the kitchen and asks with a smile on his face if I would spend the rest of my life with him. to which i most flippantly respond " of course, don't you know I love you" and return to my dishes. He again calls me to him and asks me to sit with him which is making me mad cause there is alot to do before I go to bed and the house is a wreck. ( as you get to know me you will know that my house no matter the level of cleanliness can always me cleaner)
I sit with him and he pulls out a ring box and I just begin to weep and smile and then he asks me again to stay with him forever and I say " Yes! Yes! Yes!"

August 17 2007
Tony and I have just gone through a very very hard time in our relationship. We are at "Bennigan's" where we went on our first date and we have a great quiet dinner and then he tricks me into ordering a dessert and it arrives with a diamond ring in the strawberry atop the chocolate cake . ( I know chocolate and Diamonds!) And then he asks me again to marry him and I say "Yes" and cry all over myself in public. (which is not something that I do)

August 17 2008
I am in Arlington. Today would be three years but instead of spending today with my husband I am driving 80 miles an hour, 7 00 miles in the opposite direction of him . It rains long and steady for most of the day. I sit quietly and just watch the rain and cry a bit and hurt inside.

I have seen him once in 3 months. I haven't touched my husband since the night that the police dragged him out of our house. We have only had limited phone contact and a very little of that has been civil.

Sometimes I just want to go home back to our house back to coming home to a family, a routine, children in the house, Come home to Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! running and jumping into my arms. Come home to make dinner , to wash the dishes , and to run a load of wash, to give one screaming, fighting child a bath. To lay my baby down to bed , with a "kiss kiss mommy" just as soon as i get to the door of his room. One more waking up @ 4 am to wake my baby for daycare. One more day to be a family again, to have a child again, to be someones Mommy! again.

I know that no matter what I want or think some days that I want we will never be together again , we will never be a family, I won't ever be his mommy again.

Maybe the hardest part of yesterday was knowing that I was probably the only person who took even 10 seconds to think about what the day meant, to miss what we had, and to wish for something more.