Shotgun!

So, I'm back in Texas for GOOD!
I know that I haven't been online in Way to long but lots of things have happened.
I will give you the short story and then hopefully fill you in later with the rest
I moved back to Arlington to live with the LOVES of my life!
I got a new tattoo on my shoulder blade.
I got a job that I am yet to start.

Friday, I took my littlest love to the dollar store among some of our other errands.
I told him that he could get anything that he wanted.
He settled on a gun. I told him that he could not get a gun. ( Yes, I am one of those moms)
He was very insistent that he NEEDED this gun. I asked him why and he said that Kyle and Alexis both have a gun. I told him that there are no toy guns in our home. He was very adamant that he was in desperate NEED of this gun.
I asked again why he needed this gun so badly.
He responded
" Because I never get to sit in the front seat!"

This story is sad because he didn't get the gun nor did he get to sit in the front seat.

But things are good on our side of town and busy as ever

Karen

Scooter

I need you to pray for a girl that I work with

Lets just call her D
She is 17 and having a baby TONIGHT right now!!!
She is going to give the baby up to a married couple who have named the baby
Lauren Cydney

Pray for her as she goes through birthing her first child and the whole giving her up
She has never called it a baby only a "scooter" (random I know)
She has been trying to be as disattached as possible but still
I can't imagine ever having to give up a baby and never would but I understand that she is in a different place than me.

Pray for D and Baby Lauren

Karen

In town trip

I got the call.

What you say "You don't even have a phone?"



This week I went on an "intown" trip with the youth from my church here.
We went to the Homeless shelter and painted the whole thing top to bottom ,inside and out.
It was a fun Jr. High Drama filled week.

There was much drama and fighting and crying and going out and breaking up and making out.

So, on the second night I gave a lesson on unity. It was a great lesson( if I don't say so myself)

It was during that lesson when I could see it in their faces and I could tell that they got it.
I felt it again!

I felt my calling again!
I was called to youth ministry at camp when I was 16 and then heard God tell me it was younger kids later on at college.

I have been teaching kids and working with kids for a long time now and have felt it every now and then.
But, it was GOOD to feel it again and to know that this is what I am called to do.

To know that my calling is real and still there inside of me even in the midst of drama ,chaos and complaining.

I am still called!
I am still being used by God!
I am still useful to Him!

Even though..............
Everything.

Karen

Boomerang Express

You might see a kangaroo.......

You really have to watch out for those Gators!

I have no idea but I love this face!

Honest Scrap Award!

My friend, Sarah, at The Notelpats, gave me the Honest Scrap award!

There are a couple of things you have to do when you get this award:

~ You have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true.

~ You have to tag 10 people with the award.

~ Let all the people you've given the award to know that they've gotten it.

~ Make sure you link back to the person who awarded it to you.

1.

I was in 4-H and Girl Scouts growing up and I LOVED!! it

2.

I rode the Boomerang Express last week and my brain is fried.

3.

I tried to change the words to the Grandma got run over by a reindeer song to Grandma got run over by the boomerang express with no luck at all.

4.

I need to go to the post office and send my kids their 4th of July presents!

5.

I have to work until midnight on the 4th of July and that makes me really really upset.

Because I love the 4th of July!

6.

I want to go swimming really bad because it is summer and they are building a new pool here that looks like fun. But it is not open yet :-(

7.

I got my nails done the other day and I told the lady that I wanted to do something patriotic because I love the 4th of July. And she says to me" so what colors do you want?" all confused looking and I say red, white and blue a little on the rude side and then she pulls out red white and GREEN!

8.

There is a swimming pool in the church that I attend here, but it is broken.

I am reading Jesus wants to save Christians by Rob Bell. His book covers this subject matter very well. I suggest you go read it . He is a GREAT author! I loved his other books too

Sex God and Velvet Elvis

9.

"This is why I worship you, this is why I love your truth, because in all the world there's nothing to compare your glory too, this is why I worship you. "

Is stuck in my head!

10.

I am going to upload the pics from VBS on to my facebook and myspace just as soon as I finish this. Then maybe I will think of a good story to write on here from my time on the train gang!(train gang is vbs speak for self induced work and all around craziness that comes from a week at vbs )

I tag:

Sabrina @

chiquitovalverde

Tyson@

murphrod.

Angie @
angellezpage

Mary @
marynorton.

And anyone else who hasnt been tagged already!


Karen

randomly random

My dad found this photo of me deep in a bin somewhere and sent it to me.
This is me at a 4-H meeting in 1997
OMG I look alot like me
Why am I sharing this random picture????
Because it is like one of the only photos of that time period in which I don't look positively awful .
Jr High was not good to me.
But I did have my good days and this photo is proof!
I have no recollection as to what I am doing here.
I do remember that we made alot of games for preschoolers. I am guessing that is what is going on here.
Funny I hadn't even given thought to the fact that I could grow up and love to work with kids then.
Back then I wanted to be an artist.
When clearly little kids were my thing
huh funny how much you learn about yourself growing up!

On another random note

So, I guess that blogging is in my genes.

I found out just a few weeks ago that my dad has been blogging. Although he doesn't call it that he calls it writing.

He has been writing for a web site that was set up by his graduating class.

They just had their 40th class Reunion (OMG he is old)

He has some good stuff

he is a much better writer than me

you can read his stuff if you want to at

http://www.hugo69.com/

there is a link on the left side

this just in

click on it and there are all kinds of stories

you might enjoy

some about my family ( although there are none about me )

some about bus kids

some about the 70's

some about his career as a Go cart racer ( yes he was the IKF champion in like 1979 i think)

some rewritten songs wierd al style

you just might enjoy it

Randomly yours

karen

Karenina

Here is Karenina!!!!

My namesake.

Such a beautiful baby and very quiet ans sweet!

updated with captions for non racing fans

Yes, In fact I am that kinda girl ! John Force signed my arm!!

the Geiko, Gecko and I

I am not entirely sure of the name of this driver. He drives for Al-Anabi racing which is owned and funded 100% by a shiek in the east. they have no sponsers.

OMG !!!!!!!! I was stoked!

If you dont know who this is I am not entirely sure that we can continue to be friends anymore. JK

Ashley Force Hood

Fast Jack Beckham

Don "the snake" Prudhomme

Robert Hight

Never Ever Ever Give up!!!!!

So, This year in November ( which is sneaking up on us rather quickly) it will have been ten years since 5 sisters who were good friends of mine were taken by CPS to foster care.
It was a messed up deal in a small town with crooked cops and terrible CPS case workers.
They were not abused, poor yes but not starved or abused or neglected ever!

So anyways 18 months aftet they were taken away the mother had her rights taken from her by the state and her girls were adopted out .
She went to court several times to fight to get her girls back.
She went all the way to the supreme court of Nebraska.
She wrote letters to everyone imaginable begging to have her girls back.
She had previously lost her oldest son and now had lost her 5 girls for no reason at all.

So, she has continued to fight and fight and write and write and pray and pray!

Outwardly it would appear that she had resigned to waiting until they each turned 18 and then tried to contact them.
Inside she was still fighting and looking for them.
Her oldest daughter Joshua turned 18 two years ago and for whatever reason refuses to communicate with her mother
The second daughter Glorianna, turned 18 last year and her mother has not been able to find her to talk to her.
I have been praying atleast once a day for over 9 years that the girls would come home we prayed before every court hearing and prayed and prayed


9 1/2 years later........
She found Glorie and in a case of I thought you never wanted to talk to me, Well I thought you never wanted to talk to me.......

She came HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!
She moved in with her mom and step-dad and 6 new siblings.

PRAY PRAY PRAY
for this new relationship with mother and daughter
PRAY PRAY PRAY
that everything will work out
I know that many of you have prayed for a child,

I know you know the heart of this mother who wants so much to have her girls back

I know that all of my prayers and all of the prayers that have gone up for these girls and their mother have been heard and answered !
It matters that you pray!

Smiling, smiling,smiling

Karen

New Baby!!!

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last week my friend Angela at http://angellezpage.blogspot.com/

Had a baby girl!
And the best part is
She named her after ME!!!

Karenina Anais
It's pronounced care-uh-nee-nuh. The middle name is Anaϊs. That's pronounced ah-nah-ees.

And I am going to get to see her next week!!!
So pictures will be posted as soon as I get back from Nebraska next week!

Smiling, smiling, smiling

Karen

And in Other more exciting NEWS!!!!!!!!

OK,
So I am so HAPPY I have worn a Large smile all day.
Even at work where I had 3 new girls and 2 people fired which left me incredibly short handed of knowledgeable help.
I WAS SMILING STILL!!

This morning I got a call from Tony !!!!!!!
OMG I screamed into the phone I was so excited to hear from him.
I haven't talked to him since I before I moved here.
That is forever when you are waiting for your lover to come to his senses and come back to you .

And it seems he has done just that!!!!

He kicked his Internet Girlfriend out along with her kid and dog.
He swears that they are over because ( along with other drama) he can't stop thinking about me and wants to be with me!
ME!!!!!!!

We are talking about me moving back down there maybe like the first part of August and us getting a place together and working really working on our BS.

I also got to talk to my kids on the phone today after school!

I could hear the smiles on their faces. Poor babies have been through Hell and back with all this BS with Tony and I.

We are talking about everything and I mean everything all the good, bad, and TMI.

He swears its forever this time no matter what, whatever, forever.

He has her out of his system for good . I guess this was something that he had to do to find out what he had & what he is missing out on.

I am so excited that I am going to get another change to be the wife and mother that I have always wanted to be to him and to my kids.

Smiling

karen

Happy Birthday Boys!

Aidan's Birthday was Friday May 8th.
Three years old!
All day my heart was sick that I was not doing anything for him.
I was not cleaning my house nor decorating. I have not ordered a cake. I have not shopped for a gift that will thrill him. I have not sent invitations out, or set a time and date to celebrate with friends and family.
I have not taken the annual Aidan with Daddy picture ,nor framed it up with the rest of them counting the third birthday that we have shared with you.

Tomorrow is Kyle's Birthday.
14 already??!!?? When did this happen?

Again I feel as if I have failed you also.
Both of my boys deserve a better life and a better birthday than what I have made happen for them.

One year ago today it began.
The beginning of the end of being the wife and mother that I wanted to be.

Last year we had a big party for Aidan.
Last year I got Mother's Day presents and flowers and a picnic in the park and a bottle of rum to share with friends and friends to share it with.
Last year Josh was on my mind in the midst of all else.
I was battling inside my mind if I was the person who thought about such things and was I the person who acted on such thoughts.
I was trying to figure out if I was happy or if I could walk away.
One week later I walked away from the life that I loved and wanted to the life that I thought was all that I deserved to have.

One year later Josh is on my doorstep, Tony is in my mind and my boys are on my heart.
One year later I know what I should have done, I know where I want to be and that is so far away from reality.



I don't want to be who I am in reality,
because in reality I am
divorced, single, childless.
Going forward is so hard when the past is what I want.

Karen

P.S.
I am sorry this was kinda all over the place.

My Brother

So, in case some of you don't know
I have a younger brother, he is 22 and attends the University of Nebraska, Lincoln.
He and I are not close, we don't even really like each other very much at all.

But, on Monday he is leaving and flying to France to stay for a few days and then onto Spain for a week or so and then he plans to take a boat to Africa for another week or so.

He is traveling alone.
He is leaving his laptop.
He is leaving his Cell phone.
He is taking a small backpack/manbag with two changes of clothes and a toothbrush.
He is taking cash money.
He is taking his passport.
He is considering taking a camera.
He is traveling to see other parts of the world and cultures other than ours.

He plans to NOT send cards or letters for the entire 5 weeks that he is abroad.
He does NOT plan to telephone, both of these due to the cost and time delay in mailing and time change in phoning home.

He has no tattoos , although I told him to go get one so that we could identify his body.
He does have a third nipple, other than that he has no distinguishing marks.

He just sold his car and moved all of his things into our parents home in Nebraska.

I guess that I am kinda freaked because I just read and watched "Into the Wild" .
Which is a story about a guy who gives away all of his money and abandons his car and walks into the wild of Alaska lives off of the land for like two years alone and eventually dies. In the story(which is true) he never writes or calls home after he leaves and they find his body in the spring and a few random notes that he leaves in this abandoned bus he finds in the wild to live in.

So even though I mostly hate my brother I don't want him to die or vanish in another country.
He is traveling with no set plan so we wouldn't even know where to look for him if he doesn't return.
France, Spain & Africa are HUGE places to start to find a white boy traveling alone with no luggage.



So, I ask for you to pray for my brothers safety abroad and traveling.

Karen

Live like???

A few weeks ago
my Sunday school teacher here ( who also happens to be the pastor here) , gave a lesson
challenging us to answer the fill in the blanks:

To live is________, to die is_______.

I put up a note card on my headboard and ask myself the question every other day or so.
What does it mean to me for me to live?
Most of this year I haven't wanted to live.
I can honestly say that I think to die would be to gain, but what does it mean to live???
How do I honestly answer the question of:"What is it to live?"
For many weeks now I have been thinking this over and over in my mind.
When I was on the verge of suicide I felt like that I had done all that I was ever going to accomplish.

I felt like that if I couldn't have my husband back the way that I wanted that there was no other purpose for me in life. I had a hand in raising children, I finished college, I have worked with children, I got married, I got to see all of my friends have babies.
I really felt like all of the things that I have ever wanted had come to be, other than to get back with my husband and have a baby and watch the older kids go on to adulthood. Which isn't an option so all is done.

Most days here I feel like my life is over.
That I have done all that I can do on this earth.
I am no longer in any of the positions that I am used to being in as you know from earlier blogs.
I am alone almost always and I truly feel like that if I died that my purpose here would have been fulfilled.

Tonight at church we watched a video of a preacher giving a sermon. The preacher had been given a diagnosis that he would die at anytime and that his life was over. He gave his message on: "Living like you are dying".
He encouraged everyone to begin to say get in place of got or have. Such as:
I get to go to work today, or I get to rock a screaming baby tonight, or I get to go to a meeting.
That nothing is a have to but since we have life that we get to.
This man ( who's name escapes me) is living with the knowledge that one day soon he will die.
For him to live one more day is to preach one more day and to die is to go home to heaven.

For me I have decided that:
"To live is a gift and to die is gain"

What on earth I am going to do with my gift I don't know.
Most days when I get my gift I say" you shouldn't have".
But God who knows how my story ends, knows that I need life and that I must go on and I know that one day I will know the next step, I will feel purpose again, I will know why I was alive today and I will know what to do with my tomorrows.


Karen

Hello

Hello all,
Yes I am still here.
I am sorry I just dont have much of anything to blog about.
I go to church on sunday's,
I work 9-5 weekdays,
and sit at the house alone in between times,
I am trying really hard to find some meaning in life and something to do with my time and energies.
I miss being everywhere...
I know that sounds whack
but I miss people from almost everywhere I have lived.
I miss working with children the very mostest ever!

I miss you!!!
sorry no real news to report

karen

let it snow!!!

In case you haven't checked the weather in my part of the country it is SNOWING!
ALOT!
this morning when I left for work (7AM) there was about 2 inches, when I left work around 11am there was about 7 inches
now 930 PM
there are drifts taller than me.. yeah I know that not tall for people but for snow drifts that's tall! lol
best that I can tell apart from the drifts which are due to the fact that we have been having winds somewhere around fifty mph
we have at least at least..........


18 inches of undrifted snow

It seems that my roommates have been praying for a snow day. Which they haven't had one here in 4 years.
And today was a snow day
And both of them are out of town where the weather is fine.
GRRRRRRRRRRRR
I am home alone,
with no phone,
no car,
and snow at least waist deep if I were to venture out.
and a whole lot of nothing to do
so
I am totally going STIR CRAZY!

They are saying this snow is here to stay for a while.

Today I really miss my kids,
not only cause I am alone,
but my precious babies have NEVER EVER EVER seen snow!

How small are God's hands???

Hello old friends,
I am sorry that I have been away from my blogging of late but my attitude is not what I think that it should be and thus have a hard time blogging.

Since I have been here it has been the goal of the people who are helping me and working with me to take away from me everything that I depend on , until I have nothing left but God.

I don't have a boyfriend or any prospects nor can I seek out such as a condition of my help.
I don't have any kids here nor am I allowed to work with any here.
I don't have anywhere to serve, no meals to fix, class to teach, or piano to play.
I don't have my church family who has been a great help to me in everything.
I don't have any friends here.
I have basically no responsibilities here.

I have began to hate living here, yes I want to depend more on God. But I want to have kids around me, I want a man, I want to be useful, I want to be needed.

My entire life I have had kids around me to take care of, teach and love.
I grew up in a daycare, I have had kids to care for all the time for a long time. My cousin, my kids, my nephews.
I have always had kids. I love to have kids around me. I love kids.
I love to come home to screaming, laughing, rambunctious , messy kids.

I hate coming home to nobody, I hate living in a house with people that I don't ever see, I hate being alone.

I know that God is big enough to do big things, but I have a hard time knowing that God can do small things too. I have a hard time knowing that God is small enough to know my pain and cares.
His hands are big enough to make the world, and part the sea. But are His hands small enough to hold me? To get me through one more day of this life that I must somehow learn to live?
How small is God? Is He small enough to be all the people that I don't have in my life? Is He small enough to comfort my tears in the night? Is He small enough to care that I am falling apart inside?
Again and again I struggle with the question of : Is God enough ?

I know that He has promised to never leave me, He has promised over and again that He will go with me
But, somehow I think that I want someone else along for the journey.( or a whole pile of somebodies)
I don't want to walk this way alone.

Pray for me as I try to figure all these things out for me.

Karen

P.S.
Yes , I know that I stole some of the blog idea from "Bring the Rain". but it was a touching post from her and I wanted to share with you what I have been thinking on.
All credit where it is due.

Scars

I I got this in an E-mail Forward. I am not much for forwarding things to other people.
But, I felt like this one was very good and wanted to share it with you.



SCARS OF LIFE
Some years ago,
on a hot summer day
in South Florida ,
a little boy decided to go
for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house.
In a hurry to dive into
the cool water,
he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.
He flew into the water,
not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together.
In utter fear,
he ran toward the water,
yelling to his son as loudly
as he could.Hearing his voice,
the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn
to swim to his father.
It was too late.
Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.From the dock,
the father grabbed his little boy by the arms
just as the alligator
snatched his legs..
That began an incredible
tug-of-war between the two.
The alligator was much stronger than the father,
but the father was much
too passionate to let go.
A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams,
raced from his truck,
took aim and shot the alligator.
Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital,
the little boy survived.
His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack
of the animal.
And, on his arms,
were deep scratches
where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort
to hang on to the son he loved.The newspaper reporter
who interviewed the boy
after the trauma,
asked if he would
show him his scars.
The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter,
'But look at my arms.
I have great scars
on my arms, too.
I have them because
my Dad wouldn't let go!

You and I can identify
with that little boy.
We have scars, too.
No, not from an alligator,
but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars
are unsightly and have
caused us deep regret.
But, some wounds,
my friend,
are because God has refused
to let go.
In the midst of your struggle, He's been there
holding on to you..The Scripture teaches that
God loves you.
You are a child of God.
He wants to protect you
and
provide for you in every way.
But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead..
The swimming hole of life
is filled with peril -
and we forget
that the enemy is waiting
to attack.
That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have
the scars of His love
on your arms,
be very, very grateful.
He did not and will not ever let you go.
Author - Unknown.

I will probly always have a scar on my arm that spells out "FAILURE" but now I can know that it is from a father who would not let me go

Somewhere down in Kansas..........

So, I promised the whole story of why I am here somewhere down in Kansas.

There was so much that happened I think that a time line would be best to explain.
Tues. Feb. 10-
I return from Nebraska late in the evening to visit my kids and Tony. I get my Valentines gift from him we spend lots of time cuddling and such. I cry my face off in his arms and beg him with all that I have inside me not to go. I cry all the way home and cry my self to sleep.

Wed. Feb.11 -
Tony takes an early am flight to Wisconsin to meet his Internet girlfriend of 8 months. Who up until this point was not really real to me.
When he calls me from the plane to say that he is really leaving to really go out there. I fall apart, I cry my face off again and it hurts all over my body such that I don't know what to do. I get a razor and carve "FAILURE" into my forearm.
Go pick my kids up from school hang out with them and their mom and step-dad.
Get a long lecture from Kyle on how failure is not ever an option.
I go to church and lose myself in the activity and laughter of children.

Thurs.
Don't go to work. Don't get out of bed until 8pm. Go to visit a pastor friend of mine and bleed and cry with him. He prays for me and I feel better even though I'm sure that God has forgotten about me at this point.

Fri.
Go to work but leave early and go to bed.
Hang out with my kids and their step-brother and cousin.
Take my kids to mall and walk around until it closes.
Go out to eat with my brother in-law. Talk with him and cry in public. (not something I ever, ever, ever do) Stay up all night talking with him.

Sat. Valentines day
Go to work.
Go home and pick my arm again to feel the pain get out of me.
My cousin Ben comes in from Houston to visit me and tries to talk to me about divorce and moving on. I hear none of this. He goes home and tells his mom who tells her sister ,who tells my grandma, who tell my aunt, who tells my mom that I am not OK.
Spend day and night with my kids and take them home with me to stay the night.
Call Tony to say Happy Valentines Day! He says I will never see my kids again and that we are over forever. I cry to him and he hangs up in my face. Cry again with my brother in-law.
Watch my kids sleep in my bed and cry all night not wanting to miss a moment with them.
Slice a large gash in the bend of my arm and let it bleed out everywhere.
Freak out and try to clean that up so the kids aren't freaked.

Sun. Feb 15 Our wedding anniversary
Take kids to church.
Ask someone at church for help and show them my scars and get no help or advice.
Stay at church til 2:30
Go to mall with kids
Return to church
Take kids home
Let kids run wild and rent 'R' rated movies and stay up all night playing ( well til 2 am)
Carve Feb.15 into my other arm
Sleep finally watching my kids sleep and hearing the soft sounds of rest .


****Meanwhile somewhere down in Kansas. A deacon board is meeting and decides to send the entire church staff from their church to Euless to a conference.
Enter my other mother onto the scene.
*****Meanwhile someone from my church sees the pain on my arms and call Ginger to tattle on me.
I don't know who you are but thank you.



Mon. Feb. 16
Wake up and get kids dressed and put the house back together.
Take kids to Wal-mart.
Explain to kids that I might never get to see them again.
We all cry. I hurt all over watching them cry.
Ginger calls to see if I am OK
I tell her the truth
I get my kids picked up and go to talk to her
Ginger and Richard ( my Sunday School teachers) Talk to me and tell me how it has to be
They say that I am going back to Millwood Hospital.
I flat out refuse.
She calls my other mother who is un known to me just ten mins away in Euless to ask her what to do with me.
She says she is going to take me home with her somewhere down in Kansas.

At this point I am left with a choice.
Go back to the hospital and do that whole thing again or go with my other mother and get my life straight.
It might sound like an easy choice but it was not and it is not easy to choose everyday to get up and work on getting better, to work on all of the junk that is inside of me.
To try to work on this mess and not cut.

This is so hard and I am not so sure that I will be able to do it.
Getting better, doing better and being better will take alot of time and hard work of looking at the demons that I have hid in my heart for so long and facing them and conquering them.

Again
It matters that you pray for me

Karen
who is
Somewhere down in Kansas.

P.S.
if you want my snail mail address email me:

pinkieforever21@YAHOO.COM

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego......

So, I have no idea where Carmen San Diego is. But I know where I am.
This week has been a whirl wind. God did something and I have no idea what is for but things just kept happening and now I am in Kansas.
I will give the you the whole story in my next blog.
I only know a few things.....
God wants me alive.... still
God wants me to do something
I have to get better
I want to be a better example to my kids and the kids that I want to minister to.
I can't help my kids or anyone else's kids by cutting myself ,crying, chasing after a man who is at this point not that in to me, going to church, Lather, rinse repeat. week after week.

So, I am sorry that I had to step out on all of my responsibilities and my kids but
When you wake up in the belly of a whale, you go where ever God sends.

It matters that you pray for me
this is of God I know that but
it isnt easy ( I dont want to be here I want to be with my kids)
I left my kids behind alone at this point with their non-custodial, drug abusing mother.
I had to tell my kids that I am a grown up but I dont got it together enough to be able to care for them.

I want a better life for my kids, I want to be a better example, I want to be something more than I am.

Karen

P.S.
If you are from UBC
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Dont forget my kids need someone to take them to church.
My kids need a positive role model
My kids need you.
My kids need Jesus
I know that I made 3 of you promise to my face not to leave my kids out or forgotten .
But I am serious
TAKE MY KIDS TO CHURCH.

I'm Not your princess

As I pace back and forth
All this time cause I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on The days drag on
Stupid girl I should have known,
I should have known.
That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now it's to late for you and your white horse to come around.
Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes,and never really had a chance.my mistake,
I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings, well now I know...That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your white horse to come around.
And here I am on my knees.Begging for forgiveness, begging for you.
Just like I always wanted but,
I'm so sorry.
Cause I'm not your princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm gonna find someone some day, who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world.
That was a small town, there in my rearview mirror disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your white horse...Its too late for you and your white horse to catch me now.

A cause ....

So, in my myspacing I found a group that really touched me

They are called " To Write Love On Her Arms"
It is a suicide rescue group. Their purpose is to help people to feel loved and to prevent self mutilation with love.
It is a great group that is just starting out .
They have great blogs on their own page and are from what I can tell a Christian group.

The entire mission is to love people back from the edge..... WOW
sounds alot like this man that I heard about in Sunday school............................

you can check them on myspace at:
www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms

and on the web at:
www.twloha.com


Check it out
Karen

The fear of fog and the fog of fear.

So, I am still having troubles with the pictures up loading. I guess it was not meant for you to see our Christmas. As soon as I get that figured out I will post them .

This morning I was driving my older kids to school. (which is a rare treat for me that I love!)
This morning it was very, very,very foggy. Almost so bad that I didn't drive but, seeing as how I am on school nights sleepover trial run #1. I decided that we would venture out. It was only foggy in patches and clear in other places. As we got closer to the schools ( which are next door to each other) it was getting worse, so much so that at one point Kyle ( my oldest son) spoke with more fear than I think that I have ever heard in his voice. Kyle would be my oldest, independent, self assured, bull headed, fearless 13 year old. Seriously, fearless he does backflips off of the roof of our house and anything else that is tall enough.The child who when he came upon the dryer on fire puts it out and then yells for help. Kyle says " It really looks like we are going to drive off into nothing ". His school sits on the corner and as we turned the corner we could not see the school at all. We couldn't see the building, or the parking lot, or the dumpster, or the sign, Nothing but fog. It was crazy and a bit creepy, but remember I have my brave Mom face on.
So, we drive on into nothing and I drop him off and can't even see if he makes inside.

>> Fast forward
My roommate and her fiance' come in from work late tonight and we begin to talk about the day. She asks if I got the kids to school on time and I tell her yes. I also tell her about the deep fog that was over that side of town this morning and how I haven't seen fog that thick ever that I can recall. Then I tell her that the kids were scared and how they didn't want to drive into the fog. She then begins to laugh and her fiance' joins in. She asks did you crack up when he said that. I reply No of course not he was really and truly scared.

And then I think about how God is with us.
He can see through the fog the fog of failure, the fog of hurting, the fog of fear, the fog of wanting. And He doesn't laugh at us.
God knows that the condition of the air doesn't change the road or take away buildings.
God knows what is out there. He knows how silly our fears are, He can see right through them, and yet he doesn't laugh at us. He puts on His brave Dad face a drives into the nothingness. He knows what lies ahead, He knows where this road leads.
All we have to do is trust Him, trust that our Father isn't driving us off a cliff or into the side of a building. He is taking us somewhere safe and warm and close to Him. But right now we have to get into the car and trust that He will go along, He will be there and we can trust His word.



God's word says in Psalms 139:7-12
:7Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
:8If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
:9If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
:10Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
:11If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me," Even the night shall be light about me;
:12Indeed, the darkness will not be dark to You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.


The darkness will not be dark to You- aka the fog will not be foggy to You.

I can trust that you can drive me in the fog.
I can trust that you won't leave me alone in the fog
I can trust that in all this fog the world still goes on
I can trust that we are going somewhere even though all I see outside is nothing.

Jesus I can trust in YOU!
You won't laugh at my fears but gently take my arm and see me through this fog.

Karen

Christmas pictures

ok so i really want to post the pictures from Christmas

but I am apparently not smart enough to get this done

Someone please help me

please

all i want to do is put them in row down the side with captions in between

is that so much to ask

ok

someone blog me and give the the low down on how this is done

please

karen

Christmas Pictures.

Waiting for Santa.

Waiting for Santa

So , I know that this is like a month late but I have been busy.

Here are the pictures of my kids on Christmas.

Jesus today I am tired

Jesus come take me away
I long to see your face
This world is broken yet beautifully made
Jesus come take me away
And Jesus I'll patiently wait
Until with these vapors I'll fade
Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days
And Jesus I'll patiently wait
And you'll come again with a shout
Like a thief in the night you'll come riding on clouds
And finally the voice I have followed for life has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you'll come for me
No more pain, peace
No more fear, release
Just lost and consumed with my glorious king
And Jesus today I am tired
And I need your music to come and inspire
I give myself to be refined in this fire
But Jesus today I'm so tired
And you'll come again with a shout
Like a thief in the night you'll come riding on clouds
And finally the voice I have followed for life has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you'll come for me
No more pain, peace
No more fear, release
Just lost and consumed with my glorious king
And you'll come for me
Come for me
Come for me
Come for me
Come for me
~Charlie Hall
I love this song by Charlie Hall.

Galatians 6:9 says "Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up"
The verse doesn't say to keep it up for a week or a month or a year but it just says don't ever give up.

I have grown so tired of waiting that sometimes I lose sight of the fact that I never know how long I must wait and continue to do what I'm suppose to do. I just want to see God's whole plan for me and I don't want to go step by step but I want to read the entire story before I set out.
I have been praying that I might know what on earth I am here for. ( No, I haven't read Rick Warren's book on such subject and don't care to)
I want God to come to me and give me at least the next step of His plan for me.
I want a purpose, I want a cause, I want a family to care for, I want a home I want I want I want I want....................
I want to know how God intends for me to fulfill His plan for my life.

The Bible also says in Philippians 4:11&12 "For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty"
So, I guess I am suppose to sit tight and hang on and be happy while I sit tight here not knowing.

Waiting for Jesus to come and wondering what in the world to do in the mean time.
Hoping He comes today for me.....
Karen

Mama Called the Doctor and the Doctor Said........

No more monkeys sleeping in my bed........
So,

I phoned the doctor today and asked as to the results of the biopsy that they did last Friday.



The doctors office told me that I had no problems it was all clear.
To which I asked what are you sure?
Oh yeah we are just gonna watch you and see what happens.
I still need you to not get prego until we know what it is.
So you are watching nothing?
It is all clear but I can't get pregnant?
So, I can't get pregnant and I have nothing to worry about.
I am so frustrated with this whole thing
I am scheduled to go back at the end of March
so I am not gonna worry about any of this mess until then if I even go back.....

Mind you this is the second opinion.
So, there will be no,
More monkeys sleeping in my bed........

Karen

Say it don't spray it.......

** Disclaimer**
This post may be a bit graphic for all of my readership. If you don't care to hear about my visit to the gyno then don't read.

So, on Friday I went to see the doctor to freeze out the cancer and pre-cancerous cells on my cervix.
First off I am seeing a man and I was told that it would be a woman.
I have a personal opinion that any man who decides to make his living looking at women's personals is a lot bit creepy. Anyways a side from that,
So, I go in and get all set up and he takes a look inside and says" Oh my! Your cervix looks awful, just terrible." Then He says, "this doesn't look like cancer this looks worse!"
So, He decides not to freeze anything but to take another biopsy to look at it again and see what he thinks about it.
He asks all kinds of questions as to why my cervix looks awful. Have any kids? Abortions? Rape?Infections? Surgery's? STD's? No no no no no and no.
He keeps using the word "awful "and the more he says it the more it freaks me

I asked him what he meant by "worse than cancer" and he said that he didn't want to say yet without knowing the results of his biopsy.
But, he made no bones about the fact that it was bad and serious although how much so he wouldn't say.
So I go back in 2 weeks and he will then decide what he wants to do with my "Awful looking" cervix.

Oh and the most creepy thing ever was that as he was talking in the direction of my personals he would spit every time he spoke .

I also got the HPV shot and just in case you were wanting to go get one be aware that it burns all the way down your arm and hurts.

Karen

Standing still.

I went canoeing today, so nice to just sit in the water and float along thinking about everything.

If you look at the water or the sky you cannot tell that you are moving along at all. Life and the world keeps moving on flowing towards the ocean but I am standing still. Floating along in this river not knowing when I will get to the end not knowing if there is an end. Will I ever get out? The world just keeps moving on , I am broken hearted and heavy with emotions and it doesn't matter to anyone.

I had written this in my journal back in July(when canoeing in Nebraska was an option) and still today I am there

Life is still moving on, other people are expecting babies, other people are planning weddings, and graduations. The rest of the world knows where their journey will end, they have a ticket to get off this boat at a certain stop and I am standing still. Some how life has passed me by and I sit here waiting looking at this river and not knowing if I am moving or not, looking at the sky and not knowing if I am moving or not. Yet everything in my life has changed, but does that mean that I have. My life has come undone and yet I feel like I am standing still. I'm still not pregnant, still not married, still don't have any kids, still hurting inside because they died and left me all alone. I am still not anything that I want to be or anything that I should be. I still just wish that I would die because at least that would be a change in my life. But I failed at that too.

I am going to be in two weddings this year neither mine,
I am going to watch five babies be born and grow, none mine.

Life will go on this year for everyone and I will stand and watch.
I can't make him love me again, no matter how hard I try, I can't make a baby no matter how hard I try,I can't bring them back to me no matter how much I want to.

I am a girl, born to be a sister, daughter, mother & wife yet I fail at the very thing that I was made to do.

What time is it in Heaven?

Sissy,
For the past week every morning when I get to work and walk to my station and starting getting my scanners and "tools" ready for the day ahead, I have been overwhelmed with the smell of you.
I can't remember the name of that Calgon Body spray that brings you back to me but , every morning at 4 am there it is.
The first day I kinda put it out of my mind thinking that I was smelling things. ( Is that one step crazier than hearing things?)
The next day I took time to sniff each of my co-workers.
Most of whom are men but I sniffed them too just in case they had been close to a girl.
I would say that they almost all smell..... but not pleasant.

Yesterday my face began to leak from my eyes as I was working because I was thinking of you and where you are and where you aren't and where I want you to be.

You aren't driving a car, you aren't in High School, you aren't dating a boy , You aren't in choir .
You are in Heaven singing with the angels at the feet of God, You are in Heaven with Jayden and your Gran dad , Glenne & Baby Nathan.
I want you here with me.

I don't know what time it is in Heaven at 4am my time but, I don't suppose that your new body needs much sleep. You don't have to get up for school so I guess it's ok if you get up before the chickens and give me a pleasant smell that overcomes all of the BO that is about.


I love you Sissy,
I miss you everyday

I hope to smell you in the morning,
Karen

January 16th

On January 16th,
I will be going to have the cancerous and pre- cancer frozen off of my cervix.
I am going to Oklahoma to have it done at the Indian Hospital.
Because I am Indian (what? You couldn't tell) everything that I need to have done and all
follow - ups and meds and EVERYTHING will be free to me.
I have no idea what all they will do to me. I am so scared and nervous.
I have been to the doctor only like 5 times in my whole life( that I can remember) and don't really care for them, maybe cause I never went as a child.

Pray for me and the doctors,

It matters that you pray
Karen

I wish you Dump Trucks

There is a story in my family about my Uncle Hal( my dad's older brother). When my grandparents told him he was going to get a baby brother ,he replied
"I don't want a brother, I want a dump truck!"

And then I am told that the very first, only, and last fit that I threw in a store was in Toys "R" Us, because I was told that I was NOT getting a dump truck.
That same year I was told that I was going to get a baby brother to which I replied,
"NO I want a dump truck!"

This year I spent Christmas with my husband and the kids and this year my son asked for only 3 things from Santa , a "rock star" ( guitar) , a monster truck and a dump truck.

And after he had opened all of his gifts and saw that the bottom of the tree was bare he looked at me and said " Where is my dump truck?!"

He did in fact get a trash truck, a recycling truck, a pick-up truck that hauls a set of ski- doo's, a low rider truck that makes more noise that should be allowed by a child's toy, and a monster truck and a cement truck and a hand full of hot wheel cars and trucks.

I tried to divert his attention to the fleet of other trucks that he had been given but he was not falling for any distractions. He still kept waiting for the ever elusive dump truck to appear.

The best part of the story is that although My uncle and I neither one ever got dump trucks our younger brothers both did!
Does this mean that Aidan will soon be getting a baby brother that WILL get a dump truck???
I hope so!

And to my friends who are waiting for babies ,
I wish you Dump trucks for younger brothers!