2008

The Year in Review
I stole this from Mary Norton and do promise that soon I will blog again and stop the surveys I know this isn't myspace but I have been enjoying these.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Get Married!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I can't say that I kept the one I made all year but most of it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, Taylor and my best guy friend had a baby but he didn't give birth.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

NO
5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico and the US

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A family ( no matter what that looks like)

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb 15 my wedding day!


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Nothing really

9. What was your biggest failure?
I failed my husband my kids and myself big time and now only 3 of them can see their way around it. :(

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Well, I was diagnosed with Depression .

11. What was the best thing you bought?
a bed, but then i sold it.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Ginger because in my darkest hour she reached out beyond what she had to and pulled me out

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine

14.Where did most of your money go?
Rent

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving to Arlington and going back to church!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Amazing Grace my chains are gone Chris Tomlin and Come for me- Charlie Hall


17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? Mmm...sadder.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Been more patient with my kids and husband,

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Moving,working, listening to people who don't care about me.

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?
yes once in love and once in lust.

21. What was your favorite TV program?
the olympics

22.. What was the best book you read?
"Love the one your with"


23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
That I can still play piano and worship music as a whole

24. What did you want and get?
idk
25.What did you want and NOT get?
My husband back

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
7 pounds

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21 for the 4th time. I didn't do much on my birthday. but I spent the day after with my husband and it was waaaaay good.

28 What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Me, having some self control and looking to the future a bit more.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
the same as always whatever my husband buys for me. I really have no preference at all in this.

30. What kept you sane?
Worship

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Troy from HSM

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
I'm not really stirred much my politics

33. Who did you miss?
J, Janessa & Jayden,
and my nephews Tom, Tom, Ethan, & Sean.
Lora more over the rest!

34.. Who was the best new person you met?
Well maybe Ginger, I got to know her a whole lot more but I didn't meet her this year.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
The Grass is the same on both sides , stick with your own side.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Jesus today I am tired. I gave myself to be refined in your fire but Jesus today Im so tired. -Charlie Hall

37. The best thing you discovered this year?
My Church family

38. The best thing you lost?
my car

39. What are you glad to leave behind from 2008?
Being influenced by those who don't care about me.

40. What are you looking forward to in 2009?
I want to see this year what God has for me to do for Him.

I'm it! x 8

I got tagged again!



8 Favorite Restaurants:

1. Runza

2. Taco John's ( oh mexican fries I miss you!)

3. Starbucks ( is that a restaurant??)

4. Cracker Barrel

5. Chick-fil-A

6. CiCi's Pizza

7. Bennigans

8. Olive Garden



8 Things that Happened Today:

1. I got up

2. Took a shower

3. Went to the library

4. Going to check out a book

5. Checked my "thangs"

6. Checked my blog

7. I am going to fold laundry

8. I am going to go wrap more presents!



8 Things I Look Forward To:

1. Having my family back

2. Christmas with my kids

3. The day I can get out of bed with a purpose.

4. Getting married ( again!)

5. Spending time with my husband and kids

6. Shopping!

7. Having a baby

8. Eternal life with Christ





8 Things I'm Scared Of:

1. Being ineffective for the Lord

2. Not having a baby

3. Not getting married again

4. Scary movies

5. That my life will always look like this.

6. That my cervix can't be just frozen , I'm scared that there is more to this.

7. Crashing my car ( ....again really bad)

8. Pregnant women ( for real they are scary beyond belief.!!!!)



8 Things I Wish For:
1. Snow!
2. A Baby
3. My husband back
4. to be debt free
5. To get something for Christmas
6. a new car
7. my family back
8. a new house for my family!

8 Things I Watch on TV:
**Disclaimer** I don't have a TV and don't really like to watch TV so if i catch a show it is few and far between.

1. Jon and Kate + 8
2. The first 48
3. Dirty Jobs
4. Extreme Make-over: Home Edition
5. Clean House
6. House
7. Rescue Me ( does this even come on anymore?)
8. Are you smarter than a 5th grader?


Tag to anyone who hasn't been tagged or who wants to do this!

I was tagged twice!

Time for a little survey..
1. Two Names You Go By: Karen and Stacy
2. Things You Are Wearing Right Now: my Beatles Hoodie and my new socks!
3 . Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment: My husband back & to know God's plan for my life
4. Two people who you look up to: Ginger&Lora
5. Two things you did last night: nothing and nothing
6. Two things you ate yesterday: again, nothing and nothing I didn't get out of bed yesterday (well only to pee)
7. Two people you last talked to: Ginger and Dawna
8. Two Things you're doing tomorrow: working & going to church
9. Two longest car rides: Nebraska to El Paso & Nebraska to Illinois
10. Favorite Holidays : 4th of July and Valentines Day
11. Favorite Vacations : Hmmm anywhere that I can go with my kids and husband
12. Last trip: To Nebraska and back
13. Two favorite beverages: Dr. Pepper and kool-aid


Addicted too...
Rules are, you must list 5 addictions and pass it to 5 people!Addiction -- an abnormally strong craving
1. Blogging
2. My husband
3. Music
4. My church ( im sorry I know that they seem to get into all of my posts)
5. Wishing things were different .

Tag to anyone who hasn't been tagged yet

Is Heaven Lonely?

I found the feather that you sent to me, I am glad that with your dad there now you haven't forgot me!

So, I think that for the first time since you left I am actually happy for you.
I bet you were so happy to get to see your dad!
Sometimes I wonder if Heaven is lonely , I know that it is full of people but still do you feel lonely because we are not there?
Well if it is I know that you are better now that your dad is there with you.
I bet that your dad is happy to see you too and the kids! I know that he has missed you guys alot like we all have.
I wanted to come too but I didn't.
I miss you and wish you were here I need your insight and advice and I need you to love me.
Have fun with your dad and don't forget to send me more feathers
I miss you, Dad
I love you

Karen

Getting Better?

So, ever since before I left the hospital( Millwood) , people have been using this phrase
"Get Better" When I asked the doctor when I could leave he said "When you get better".
When I talk to Tony about our relationship and where it is headed he says we will talk about it when I "Get better".
Other people have said things like I am glad to see you "getting better".
But what in the world does better actually look like? I have no idea.

I still feel the same most of most days. I still have to fight to get out of bed to go to work and then sleep the rest of the day and night away for lack of anything else to do or anyone to see or anything.
I still fight to want to live ,to want to try ,to want to go on with life.
I still think about what if I wasn't alive 'cause I don't want to be alive, most of the time.
I still don't know how to overcome the thoughts that trap me and don't let me see out.
I still don't know if I will ever do anything that is worth going on towards.
I still dont know if I will ever get better


The only thing that I do get out of bed for and look forward to is
Going to my church.
I love the people and I think that they love me to.
They are the only reason I have to do anything other than lie about and try to sleep to escape the thoughts and plans I have.

They act like they need me and they think that even though I can only barely play that I should play piano for them, they think that even though I can hardly convey a thought that I should teach,
If not for them I probably would not be here ,
thank you guys so much for loving me as I am
and thinking the world of me when I am nothing
thank you for lifting me up when I am down and lost
thank you for needing me and my lack of talent
thank you for wanting me to be there with you praising our God together
thank you for everything that you mean to me

Without you I will never "Get better". ( if I ever do)

Looking For Jesus..........

So, Today I was at the church preparing some things for my lesson tonight and a friend called and asked what I was doing to which I responded " Looking for Jesus, seems He is not in the box where He suppose to be"

These last few weeks have been really hard for me and I have found that Jesus is with me every step of the way.
Lost in the darkness of depression in the middle of the night, Jesus was there
Writing letters to all the people in my life, Jesus was there
Cutting my arms until they bleed to let the pain out, Jesus was there
Staying in a Mental Health Hospital for three days, Jesus was there

Starting to think that maybe there is something worth living for, Jesus is here

I have been a few places in the last few weeks that are kinda scary(even to me) and I know that Jesus was there and thankfully not in the box that I so often put Him in.

Thank you, Lord for never leaving me alone and doing just what the scripture promises,
"the Lord will go with you WHERE EVER you go" Joshua 1:9

Praise God , that He never leaves us alone!
Karen Stacy

My Cervix

So, Remember wayyyy back on Oct. 16th I wrote that I was going to have a procedure done to see about some cells on my cervix. and that I would know in 7-10 days well 7-10 turned into 21 days

So last week I got the results back and they have found that there are pre-cancer cells all the way around and at the very top ( 10 O'Clock) there is the very beginning of cancer. They are going to go in and freeze them off and I will be on my way. I hope that it is that simple so we will see.

And if you were worried I am not sick or feeling bad . I have had absolutely no problems of any kind or pain at all. I had no idea that I had a problem of any kind at all. This doesn't run in my family or anything so I have no idea where it came from.

So I will let you know when I find a doctor here and get set up to do this and get it done .

Pray that the freezing will take care of everything and I can move on from here. Or that God will take it all out and make it go away and heal me 100% cause I know that He can.

Karen

Be careful what you wish for

So, I have been praying that God could teach me something and use me to teach from what he has taught me. I have been helping on Wed. nights with the younger kids at church and the teacher of the class asked me to find something to teach them that they would get.
So , right off I thought I will do some lessons on thanksgiving since it is coming up soon and it is a good concept to teach. As I began to write the lessons and think about thanksgiving the more I remember that I hate the holiday and that even though I find myself having lots of things to be thankful for I still don't look forward to this time of year or the holiday. I had actually been thinking about going somewhere for thanksgiving and possibly eating turkey.
But, I still don't know, for 4 years I have not celebrated or eaten turkey or gone anywhere to be with anyone other than whoever happened to be around.
I do have lots to be thankful for.
I hope that I will be able to teach my kids what it means to give thanks without being negative about thanksgiving day and maybe even this year I will eat a bite of turkey who knows.

Pray that I can find it in me to celebrate in my own way and thank God for ALL that he has done even though it still hurts.

judge me not

On Friday night I went to Judgement House at Calvary Baptist in Grand Prairie.

It is like a drama that you walk through and watch a different scene from a play in each room.

The play follows 4 people in their last hour of life and then into eternity.

It shows that half of the people go to heaven and the other half to hell and then it takes you through hell and then into heaven.

It was a very good play and the place was packed we had to wait for an hour and a half to start the walk that takes 59 mins.

But anyways, at the end of the play they take you into a large room and everyone gets to talk to a counselor about the choices that they have made and whether or not they would go to heaven if they died within the hour.

So the counselor who chose me just so happened to be the "dorm mother" that I had for the entire time that I lived in the dorms at school(4 years). And since she was sure of my salvation she decided to catch me up on her life and then began to ask about where I was in life.

I told her that I had gotten married and the divorced and that I was really broken up about the whole thing and began to cry talking about the whole thing.



She then in all of the love that she had in her heart told me in no uncertain terms that I had sinned against God big time and that I knew that getting a Divorce was wrong and how could I have ever done this to God and to me and that I was a HUGE sinner and need to pray right then to ask God for forgiveness and plead for his mercy because I knowingly sinned against God.

She then told me that even though we are divorced that in God's eyes he is still my husband and always will be, that I can never have another man for the rest of my life and that is to be my punishment for sinning against God's will for my life.



So , she says that I need to go to my husband and make things right and demand that he take me back because I have prayed and asked God's forgiveness so he then would automatically forgive me and take me back.

I told her that we had been working on things and he was not ready to jump back into things right now and that we had a long way to go to make things right between us.

She then in all of her righteousness told me that I should continue to sleep with my husband and to make him happy.

And to try by all means possible to make him happy in all ways so that we can get back together.

So, then she says that we don't have to get married again because we still are married in God's eyes.

So in short a woman that I respected her faith and walk with God told me that I should sleep with a man that I am not married to and try to get him to move in with me and that we should live happily ever after and not get married.(again)



Her words and prayer for me have really been bothering me alot and have reduced me to tears on several occasions in the past few days .

It hurts me to hear someone say that there is something that I can do that would change my relationship with God and that I have made a terrible mistake that God will be forever punishing me for in this life.

So, if God is punishing me for it then has he really forgiven me for it?

Why won't God forgive me my sins?

Does God really not love me anymore?

Why would she say that to me? Is it true ?

So many things have clouded my mind with what she said to me that it is hard for me right now to know what is truth. Like I said I lived with this woman and took classes with her as the teacher and took her husbands classes and general thought that she was a woman of God and everything. So it is hard for me not to take her seriously and in general not to get my feelings hurt.

The sermon this sunday morning in church was about not judging others. It was a real blessing to me and then the evening service was studied Psalm 119:121-128
And it really touched me also and I have been really encouraged by this passage.
I am trying to make it my prayer this week

Lord,
leave me not to my oppressors, Do not let the arrogant oppress me,
Deal with me in your love, Teach me more of you that I may understand & know your ways. Psalm 119:121-125 (Karen abbreviated version)

This week I started to go to a Bible study for women my age and really loved it. I even talked and cried in front of them and really felt at ease.

I hope that the Bible study will be a real blessing to me and a place for me to learn and to grow and to maybe make some friends ( we will see, I so don't do new people all that well at all) but I will try.

I think that I said this last week but it is so good to be back "home" at church and to really feel like I am growing and seeing God work in my life and feeling like again I hear Him talking to me in the sermons and lessons.

Pray for me that I will be able to know what is of God and what is not as I deal with my divorce and try to seek out God's will for my life these confusing days.

Karen

P.S.

I am sorry that this was so long.

Happy Birthday Janessa!

So, I know that I was never around on your birthday, except in the gifts that I sent.

Tonight I was needing some "girl time" so I took my daughter out to the movies and then we drove home and sang in the car at the top of our lungs to Taylor Swift.

I had a great time!

When we were singing in the car and laughing I felt like you were there with us singing and laughing along.

I had a great time out tonight I wish that you were here with us.

I can't believe that you are 18.

I can't believe that you would be graduating this year.

I love you and miss you everyday,

come back to me in the happy times, come in on the chorus and laugh along when you hear me laughing and I will feel you here with me

I love you, Sissy



Karen

Humble

So, yesterday was a huge dose of humble for me
no details but know that God is teaching me that He will provide ALL of my needs.
And that at the end of the day I am still a sinner in need of forgiveness and grace that I don't deserve at all and that all I have to do is humble myself and ask.
And the asking for me is the hardest part to admit to someone that I need something, or ask God for forgiveness when I know that I am so undeserving.

Karen

Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurts.
Who am I that the bright and morning star would care to light the way for my ever wandering heart.
Who am I that the eyes that see no sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again.
Who am I that the voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain and calm the storm in me. ~Casting Crowns

Mistakes

So, I was reading the blog " Bring the Rain" again last night and she was talking to ladies who have had an abortion and were feeling the pain of that mistake on them and she was "preaching" to them that we are no longer help captive by those mistakes. ( for the record I have not had nor would I ever consider having an abortion EVER)

I have made some other huge mistakes in my life. I was encouraged by her words that we are no longer bound to the mistakes that we have made in life. That Jesus' blood paid for those mistakes. Jesus died so that I would not be held accountable for the mistakes that I make. That by His blood I am forgiven of my sins. It was nothing new to hear this
( I have grown up in church and have a degree in theology)
but again it touched me in a new way today to hear it in the place that I now sit.
Right in the middle of the biggest mess that I have been in. I hear again that Jesus died for my sins and it hits me that I am forgiven and that Jesus paid the debt that I owe for my sins.

I have been ransomed from my sins, no longer held captive.


karen

Home!

I went to church tonight and again found my self at home there.
I love the people and they seem to be glad to see me back. They were even fighting over whose class I would help in tonight.
I am so glad that I have such a good church home here.
I have never had that before.
I love it.
I found out that many people at my church read my blog and I didn't know it. Which is fine but I had no idea that my life would be read worthy to a teenage boy but apparently it is .
So anyways
I just wanted to say that it is good to be home!
karen

so........(update)

So its all over now
I went to court and didn't fall completely apart.
We are divorced. It will be final in 90 days.
I did not change my name.
I am still Karen Stacy.

I went to the doctor and that was more than great fun.
I will know the results of the tests in 7-10 days

I am going to fly back to Arlington on Monday
I have an apartment there all the way out almost in Kennedale
I have roomate that I have met once and she seems nice enough
(more on her later I am sure)
I am suppose to start back @ Fed- Ex this week sometime
I am so excited to be back where I feel at home and where I love to be.
Tony and I are suppose to start working on more things and being closer so we will see.
I am excited to be back where I have a church home to go to where I love the people and i feel a part.

Arlington Here I come!!!

Karen Stacy

Today

So,
Today is the day
Today I am supposed to get divorced.
Everyday it has been getting closer everyday. And everyday I don't think that I can do it.
I don't want to.
I want to just go home and my husband and kids be there and this all be over.
9 months and 1 day later its all over.
We have been working on things oh so slowly.
I want this to never have happened.
This morning I am supposed to go before the judge and tell him that I don't want to be married, that I don't think that it will work, that I don't love him anymore.
And it will all be a lie.
I do want him .
I do want to be married.
I love him with all my heart and soul and everything else inside me I love him.

We have talked about it and he thinks that we should just close this chapter and start again and the get married again in the future if it works out again.
So ,
I guess that I am going to go try to do this.
Try to convince the judge that I really want this to happen
when I don't want this at all

I have been avoiding this whole thing .
Just wishing that it would go away and not be real.
That one day he will call me and say that its over and I can come home now.
That he forgives me from his heart and wants to live together again.

So, pray for me today as I hate this whole thing and don't really know what to do about it besides work and wish for better.

Oh yeah
and today they are going to go in and take a small bit of my cervix out (yes this has a big name that I can't spell or say correctly) to run some tests on it to see what is wrong with it
I hate doctors and doctors in my personals

I just hope that I make it through today one way or another

karen

moving

I am moving back to Arlington.
It may be a huge mistake but I am going to find out.
I want to be close to my husband so we can work on our mess.
I want to be back at church where I fit.

karen

Happy birthday Dad!

So , I have been waiting for you to send me a feather but I haven't found one.
I looked everywhere on your birthday but didn't find one.
I sent you a card with a feather on the front.
I know that you will never get it but I send you one every year.
Just because it makes me feel better to not forget your birthday.
I hope that maybe you are celebrating in heaven.
I hope that you somehow know that I am thinking of you today and everyday that you are gone.

Send me a feather to let me know you are thinking of me.
Send me happy memories.
I miss you
I love you, Dad

Karen

Would you like to take a survey????

So, as some of you know and other may not I got a new job like 3 weeks ago.
I am a researcher. Wow sounds so exciting right!
Well I am a telemarketer who doesn't sell anything. I call people to take surveys.
So , I say " Would you like to take a survey?" about 1500 times a day.

So here is a brief FYI on the whole thing.
The next time that your phone rings unknown number and there is a person on the other end asking you to take a survey here are a few pointers.

Hanging up in their face will get you A) a call back some other day B) a call back every 3 mins because you are rude C) cause someone to lose their job for no producing because you are rude.

Being overly rude when someone is only asking you to take a survey is not cool. You will get no points from anybody for the number of telemarketers you cuss in one day ZERO points.

Yelling that you are on the "Do Not Call list" and slamming the phone down gets you nowhere but redialed another time or in like 3 mins.
The " Do not call list" is a list of numbers that cannot be called in hopes of selling something or getting a donation or contribution.
Surveys are free and it is the law that people who take surveys cannot be called back to be sold something due to what they said in the survey.
We have a do not call list that I may sign you up for if I want to if you are nice, don't yell about it, don't argue that you are already on it, try to tell me that I have broke the law and you are going to file a police report.
Don't tell me that you want my supervisor, because we don't have one who wants to talk to your rude ass anyways.
Oh yeah and after you nicely ask me to put you on the do not call list I will and after 30 days we can call you back about something different or the same project if we aren't done with it yet.

But why in these time of economic uncertainty would I put your name on the list or you would ask so that people can lose their jobs and have less work. Never ask for the do not call list it only hurts the working people.

If you just take the survey we won't call you back.


Freaking out that I am your husbands other girlfriend calling makes me laugh and redial you.
I am not calling to steal your man nor I am already his girl.
I am calling and asking for him because A) I have his name on the list to speak to only him. B) I have already talked to all the women that are needed in the survey. Oh yeah and there just might be the chance that I would lure him away that is also why I go to work is to call men on the other side of the country to try to take them from their wives..
So answering questions like these:
I am doing surveys of men aged 18-34 today is there one available that might come to the phone?
Answer: If he was available he wouldn't be living here.
Is the man of the house available?
Answer: If he was available he would be at your house and not mine.
May I speak to ____ Mans name?
Answer: He is my man what do you want with him?
And my all time favorite would be:

Can I speak to ___ mans name?
Answer: He is with OUR children I am His WIFE what can I do for you?

We are doing lost of political surveys so this means that you will have to talk about political issues.
So if you are asked who you might vote for then it is not the real vote and apparently not a secret ballot .
It is legal to ask you who you might vote for because I am not an election official nor do I really care.

It is against the law to call and try to get you to vote for someone.
I call and tell you all the bad and the good on both sides and then ask you based on what I just told you good and bad of both candidates who would you vote for.
I haven't swayed your vote because I provided and equal amount of information and asked a question.

How did I get your number?
The computer dialed it I don't have your number. I may have your name and address but I do not have your number.

Why am I calling so late?
The law allows me to call until 10PM whether or not you go to bed at 5 PM or not that is the law.
Sept - Nov. 15 I can call until 10:30 pm about political issues.
If you don't like it talk to the attorney general in your state don't yell at me I am getting paid to do this.

How many times are you going to call here today?
I can call you up to 5 times in one day and ask for you, 5 times to ask for you husband so I can steal him and 5 times for anyone else at this number. So if all of your children are still registered to vote at this address and number I will call 5 times for each of them.

All of the following are lame excuses as to why you don't want to take a survey:
and will only result in you getting called back.
I don't do surveys on the phone.
I don't want to help you.
I don't want to do any %&*@#!!! surveys!
I was just leaving.
I just got home.
My kids are awake.
My kids are asleep.
Its is the weekend.
Its is...
Monday....
Tuesday....
Wednesday....
Thursday....
Friday....
Saturday....
Sunday....
It is to early
It is to late
I was in bed
I am eating.
I can't talk.(?????????)
I don't have 3 mins.
I don't have an opinion.

Who are you calling for, who is paying for this survey?
I don't know and if I did I wouldn't tell you.
The whole point is to get and honest answer and if I told you who wanted to know then I could change your answers to match what I want( and lose my job) or you would change your answers.
We are a research company we don't work for a politician or the devil we are just doing surveys.
We don't know who we are working for so that the answers are not bias.

Don't say yes you want to take a survey and then refuse to answer the questions.
I mean HELLO I did not call to fight with you just to do my job honestly I might know where you live and I might ask for your address .
if I ask for your address and you refuse then I just talked to you for however long and did the survey and now I don't get credit for it because you are an ass.( and if I am not on quota I could lose my job because you took my time for nothing and now I don't have time before the hour is up to make up for your stupid self) Yeah sometimes I can Google you but that also takes time that I don't have because I am supposed to do surveys not Google assholes who say they will take a survey ,take the survey and then refuse answer questions.
Why do i want to know your age?
So that I can make sure that I have talked to people of all ages or the target group for the study.
Or so that I know that you can vote this year.

Why do I want to know your income?
So that I can make sure that I have the opinions of all people not just one category. Lie to me if it will make you feel better to say that you make more that 100 thousand a year.

Why do I want to know your race?
Again for statistics

Why do I want to know where you DON'T work?
So that your answers aren't bias.

Why do I want to know anything that I ask because they are paying me to ask you these questions.
My favorite question to ask anyone so far is:
If Six Flags was a person.... would you describe Six Flags as....
Intelligent?
I almost fell out of my chair when I read this aloud for the first time.

Yes I would love to hear you go one for 30mins about your own personal political agenda but then again I have surveys to do just answer the questions and get this over with.
The people who love to talk and not answer questions are always the ones who whine that it is taking too long and blame it on me when I can hardly get a word in .

Yes I would like to tell you what I think about things but I can't so don't get mad at me that its not fair that I won't tell you my answers to the questions I can't because then you might agree with me and then it would be my answers and not yours . Again I have to stay neutral.
And just in case you missed the memo :
Life isn't fair.

So the next time that you go to the phone and someone wants you to take a survey

Don't be an ASS
Boost the economy by keeping people employed and
Take the survey

and if I call you don't say anything about you know me just
TAKE THE SURVEY!
and don't blow my cover OK
hey
we all love an E survey of any kind this is the same thing but none of your myspace friends will know sorry.

this morning!

*****
Update
I talked with that lady this morning. It was a very short interview ( 20 mins) and so I don't know if that is a good thing or not.
She seemed nice enough.
I think that her biggest concern is that I have never attended a church that big.( 1000 in sunday school)
So she asked for a picture of me ( I guess so that she can see that don't have purple hair or a ring in my face)
And some references.
so I will let you know when I do

Karen


I know that i am posting this late but i hope that maybe someone will read it before the morning or in the morning.
I have a phone interview in the morning with a church in Georgia
so pray for me and them
I am so nervous.
this will be my first time to talk to anyone about this type of thing
so
pray for me
Karen

last night/ today

So last night after I posted on here I was just feeling like I needed more alone time with God.
So I began to pray and cry to God and beg him to give me the life that He wants for me above what I want.
I stayed up just being alone and listening to worship music and singing to God.
Something that has been more than lacking in my life of late. My new job requires that I work on sunday mornings for a month before I can ask to be moved to sunday afternoons.

After I had spent time with God I began to write in my diary and I thought that maybe I would share it here. I spent until about 4 Am with God and really felt his presence around me.



I know not if it is the lateness of the hour , the tiredness of my mind, the wake fullness of my soul, or the heaviness of my heart that draws my pen to the paper.
All that I really know is that I want to worship again wholeheartedly, truly worship, to throw up my hands and sing out loud and let the burdens of my heart be carried away in to the song of love. To say and mean I love you Lord, to feel so close to Him & again know His presence. To rid myself of the sins that weighs me down & holds me back from the true worship that you deserve to once again give my whole self in reckless abandon. To give up me for thee. to feel again a purpose for going on. let me find you again in the quiet of the night , the brightness of morning & the busy of the day Let me find you again Lord.

So then today I was at work and got a message from a church wanting to talk to me about the Resume' I had sent to them.
I have been sending them out to anywhere that is looking for a year and have ZERO calls or emails ever.
I was encouraged that my prayers and the prayers of others were heard today.

Chosen? Love?

It is said so many times especially in Christian circles that we are the "chosen ones" that we as Christians were chosen for the Savior to live a life for him and through him. I read another blog
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/09/scarlet-cord.html
that is written by Angie a woman that I do not know in real life who writes to deal with the Choosing of God to take her day old daughter home to rest in His arms.
I was reading what she last wrote about that has to do with being "chosen". She recounts the story of Rahab from the book of Joshua ( in the Bible) She was a hooker who hid men who had been sent into her country to spy and not only hid them but lied to the authorities on their behalf. Because of this ( The lying not the hooking) she was chosen to be in the linage of Jesus.
She was just a hooker, hiding men in her home and lying and yet chosen of God to be in the human lineage of Jesus. Angie writes somewhere down in the middle of her post that we are all chosen of God. ( You really should click the link and read it for yourself she is twice the writer that I can dream of being)

God! God? God.
After reading this I am struck again. I have been chosen by the God of the Bible
Jehovah Jireh, my provider, God the Same God is Love God.
He chose me?
Why would he ever choose me?
Is this the life he really chose for me or am I making all my own mess now?
Is this the life chosen for me by the one who loves me beyond all?
Being born to a mother who never wanted a little girl , Who will willingly quote herself saying while pregnant that she knew I was a boy because God would never curse her with a little girl.
Living in the shadow of my brother the only wanted child and being his scape goat for all childhood crimes.
Grow up longing to go to school.
To live at least the first sixteen years of my life without anyone ever touching me for any reason other than to discipline me(hurt me)
To not know how to touch other people and not know how to love a child for fear of being weird.
To only know touch as a sexual thing and struggle to understand that not all touches mean sex or pain.
To live nineteen years without ever hearing either one of my parents even lie to say that they love me.

To now have to try to say it to my mother who chokes it out as an ending to some phone conversations.
This is what love chose for me?
To not have the option to attend an academically accredited college for lack of high school diploma or records. Something that my brother was afforded.

To have a degree in Theology but have essentially no use for because of my looming divorce.
To never work in the capacity in a church that I felt once that I was called to because of a failed marriage.
To long for a child of my very own.

To have lost the love of my life for neither one of us knowing when we needed help.
To know that I threw away what might have been everything for today.

To know that because of my selfishness my son who was potty trained and eating at the table and bottle weaned and asking and talking, is now in diapers and bottle fed and now whining and not talking anymore for his father not having the help to raise three kids and work.

To wake everyday and wonder what I am doing with my life.
To not know why anything has happened to me.

To find a family and to really fit with them to hear all of them say that they love me and hug me and miss me and want me to be more a part of them. To finally fit somewhere in the world.
And then they are chosen to go to worship God at his feet.

Again is this the life that love chose for me?

I am struggling to know why God chose me I was damaged from the time I was a small child and knew that I was un wanted by my parents and not know why they didn't want me .

To watch many of my closest friends lose children to death, foster care, and custody cases.
And wonder all the time why I didn't die or be taken away .
I have watch my friend cry for her five daughters who were taken and adopted away. I watched her love them and miss them and fight for them To spend money she didn't have to go to court to fight for them and know all the while that if I had been taken no one would care or fight for me.
As I sit with another grieving mother who just buried her child and cry. I can't help but think that if it was my mother she would be glad of the reprieve of responcibility.

This is what love chose for us?
I think of those who have lost and wonder again this is what love chose for them, for me. This is it Love chose this for me.
Maybe me skewed version of a homelife helped me to a point that I might be able to accept this as love. Just as I did a spanking for love from my mother.
We were all chosen

My fellow blogger Angie ( bring the rain) said it and made her whole house bracelets to wear prolaiming their choseness.
Her baby died in her arms and yet she says that she was chosen for this?
That her baby was chosen to die? She was chosen to carry that load?
And love the load giver just the same poison or candy chosen to carry tht load just the same??

I just can't understand her faith and at the same time long for a faith inside of me that I can't understand.

So here you are again!

What a great surprise to find the feather that you sent laying behind the couch when I got home from such a long day!

Why did you send me a feather today?

I know that I have been thinking about you an awful lot these days and wishing you but a phone call away to lend some advice my way but alas a lack.

I know that next week is your birthday so I have been wondering how you celebrate birthdays there? Or are you much to lost in worship to even think of yourself and stop to celebrate your birthday. I guess that it is a weird concept there to think of the day that you were sent to earth. But still I wonder what the cake tastes like up there.

I took a picture of your tattoo to an artist to day to see about getting a cover up for the dumb thing and looking for some other thing to celebrate your life to put in another place.

I am not covering it up because I no longer love or remember you just because the dumb letters are backwards and it drives me crazy!!!

So , I will see in a few days if I can find anything suitable to cover it up with.

I have some ideas for another tattoo, I am thinking of putting it on my rib cage although I am not sure yet.

So Send me more feathers on my hard days and I will think about you often and smile

I love you -- Dad

I miss you, come back to me as happy memories.

*************************************************************************************

Anyone else who may draw or know anyone who is good at drawing and would like to lend some help.

I am looking to cover this tattoo up and start again with anything else

If you have any ideas for a cover up just let me know or draw something if you think you have a good idea.

9/11

Here it is Sept. 11 again and you came back to me again.



I didn't even know what day it was until i got to work and started to fill out my paper work.

Right away I knew why I had had the dream of you. It is because that was a special day that we spent together. Looking back even though it was a day of high fear and unsettling events I would have to say it was my favorite day with you. I was so scared and you quelled my fears. I even cried and you dried my tears. You hugged me and I felt so safe even though the world was coming undone. Now that dream that woke me.



We were at a church of some kind although I can't say that I have ever been there. Mom was teaching and as per the usual me I said something and then got up to leave and make a scene. No one followed me. So I sat on an old couch and waited for the lesson to be over, while I was waiting Jayden came and sat beside me and I do remember him looking into my eyes and but he didn't say anything at all. he just looked at me and sad to say I couldn't not read what his eyes were saying to me.

Then the lesson got over and the door was opened and I saw Janessa there laughing and joking and smiling. She was drinking red pop of some kind and laughed so hard that it spewed from her mouth and then there was more laughter.

We left the church and went swimming. And when we got there I was going on a slide and somehow this little brown haired, brown eyed girl was there and she was somehow your daughter

too. So weird. So anyhow I took her with me on the slide because she was so little. ( like 3-4 years old) You were waiting for us at the bottom and smiled so big to see us. You didn't have your glasses on I guess because we were swimming but you were not your sober, quiet self but so happy and laughing.

Just as I could see you and look at you in the face I woke up.

I had no idea what day it was or why you had come back to me.


I found the feather that you sent me.

I hope that I always find them when you send them to me.



I love you and miss you, Dad

Send me more feathers and I will think of you.



I remembered you today and smiled.

Send me more happy memories and I will never forget them.

Wishing, wanting,hurting & crying. ( A poem )

This pain inside me sometimes over takes me leaving me nothing but tears and fears.
No attachment to anyone, no reason to call me, no reason to write, no reason at all.
Nothing holds me to anyone.
I stand alone, unfairly served this plate, having to drink of this bitter cup, no one to think about.
Alone and scared that I will forever be alone wandering in this world without someone that matters tied to me.
Drowning in the darkness that loneliness brings.
Sometimes I can’t wade, sometimes I won’t swim just want to breathe deep and let the water flow in.
Never a baby always blood, not just a tear always a flood.
I stand alone in the middle of here wishing so much that I had a tie to there.
A life to hold me to someone, something to pull me out of here.
So far behind, so far to go, so much that I will never know.
Wanting so much to have a future, wanting so much to have a purpose, wanting so much to have a family wanting so much, that’s not for me.
Alone I stand wanting to be something to someone other than me.
Forever disconnected to a life that I want so much.
Wanting to be connected to a life, wanting to go on.
Longing for a life connection
Wishing and wanting hurting and crying, deep inside all I can feel is dying.
Wishing and wanting hurting and crying my eyes out until I can no longer see everything that I cannot be.

Babies babies everywhere!

Sorry that i have been absent from writing but i have been gone to visit my grandma and celebrate my 21st birthday(for the 4th time).

It was expected that my best guy friend would have his baby on my birthday, but the baby didn't come until this morning .
( I told him to kiss that baby twice for not stealing my birthday!)

It was so excited when i found out that the baby was coming but this morning when i get the picture on my phone I began to feel that same old feeling that i get when another of my friends procreates.
Sadness, longing, jealousy, anger, left out and just generally upset that it wasn't my turn.

I am always the last or the only one of my friends to ever do anything.
I was the last to lose my virginity although I really didn't care to rush that day cause I was waiting for someone not going for anyone.
I was the last to start college.
The only one to finish college.
I was the first to marry.
The first to file for divorce.
And I am now the only one with out a kid or two .

I want to have a baby so bad I want to be pregnant I want to be a mommy. I want to stay up all night with a crying baby. I want to have bills i can't pay for buying diapers. I want to have to search for a decent daycare. I want it all. I want a mess because my children have played. I want dishes in the sink because my children have ate. I want a mess in the bathroom because my children are clean. I want a carseat to ruin the upholstery in my backseat. I want to have to change because there is puke on me. I want to go to the school about my child. I want to leave work for my sick child. I want to take my child to the doctor.
I want my children to hurry up and come.

I want to be called Mommy!

My husband and I waited and tried for 34 months to get pregnant.
Waited for a baby, waited for 2 pink lines, waited to wake up and puke, waited for everything that never came.
I have felt this pain before I have held and cooed over many a cute baby. I have watched many a darling baby. But I have always had the arms of my husband who wants this just as bad, who knows why walking past the baby aisle can bring me to tears. Who knows that seeing other children play or be held by their mother can reduce me to a flood. My husband who knows and feels my pain and his own when another friend announces that they are expecting.
We always joke with each other that we are expecting too expecting to have a baby someday.

So as I pick and pack up yet another baby gift to send to another friend who has succeeded in doing what I can't I pray that I will have the strength to say aloud and truthfully... Congrats!
I pray that as the pick dwindles that maybe I will have a chance to be picked next.
I am sure though as I name off my close friends and even a few distant ones that I am one of maybe 3 yet to be picked to play the game of parent.

I know that I sound like a 3rd grade nerd who never gets picked for baseball, but that is mostly how I feel. I don't understand why everyone else seems so much more fit to parent than me.
I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I mean I realize that my mom never told me how this works but I pretty sure that I know what to do, I know so much about what I want and nothing about how to get it.

So, I am now officially the aunt to 4 precious boys. ( and mother to none)

Statue of Liberty

I am starting to feel like the statue of Liberty.
No I am not made of copper but I am turning green.
I have been wearing a ring that I got at a dollar store in place of my wedding rings.
Because I feel very naked/ missing without my wedding rings on.
But the ring is cheap and made of copper and turning my finger green.
He took my rings and the jailer refused to give them to me because I hadn't reported them stolen. He took them to jail with him. I haven't had them on in so long. I really hope that they haven't ended up in a cheap pawn shop or worse... on someone else's hands.
That was my ring the long awaited and long shopped for ring. The ring that was such a surprise after the ring that we had picked out was discontinued :(. My ring that was my constant reminder of the promise given to me. My ring!
I miss my rings and the promise that was attached to them.

One More Time

One More Time
I just want one more,
One more time, a longing for a moment, longing for a moment that hangs on just a bit longer than it should.
One more hug, one more pat, one more frown.
One more I love you, one more knowing that it is truer than true. One more mine, one more yours.
One more time for opened doors. One more shopping til midnight, one more feeling that this is right.
One more you got mail, one more new mailbox.
One more lock the doors, one more pay attention.
One more time for shower, one more wash my hair, one more Ill be there.
One more night on the bench, one more night in his arms.
One more fireworks, one more phone call.
One more butthead, one more brat.
One more baby don't say that your fat.
One more kiss on the phone, one more night all alone.
One more leave the door cracked.
One more ill never go back.
One more Mommy mommy running jumping in my arms.
One more dinner as a family.
One more walk, one more park.
Lets just feed one more duck.
One more coming home to us.
One more order of flowers on my desk.
One more I have a plan to take you somewhere.
One more I found a song for you.
One more text with a song in it.
One more singing to me in the car.
One more plan for the future.
One more fight over baby names.
One more hoping its a baby.
One more wishing that it would happen.
One more where is your ring.
One more your my everything.
One more I miss you.
One more come here and let me kiss you.
One more time and one more minute one more hour to be together.

Just one more of everything that made us a family, that made us US.
But, even just one more would leave us so far from where I want to be.
I just want to go home to my husband , my children, my life that was everything that I ever wanted.
I just want more than I will ever get to have again.

August 17th

So, Yesterday was August 17. Yes, I know that it amazing that I can read a calendar.

August 17 2005, Laying in the floor of my brother's bed room in my parents old house. I finally worked up the courage to ask Tony if he would go out with me on Friday. He said yes! and I replied that I had already been promised a date with him but it was nice to know that He would go willingly.( My cousin Ben had already promised that Tony would take me out .)

August 17 2006
Tony and I are still together and we are home as it is a school night and have the kids home with us. he calls to me from the kitchen and asks with a smile on his face if I would spend the rest of my life with him. to which i most flippantly respond " of course, don't you know I love you" and return to my dishes. He again calls me to him and asks me to sit with him which is making me mad cause there is alot to do before I go to bed and the house is a wreck. ( as you get to know me you will know that my house no matter the level of cleanliness can always me cleaner)
I sit with him and he pulls out a ring box and I just begin to weep and smile and then he asks me again to stay with him forever and I say " Yes! Yes! Yes!"

August 17 2007
Tony and I have just gone through a very very hard time in our relationship. We are at "Bennigan's" where we went on our first date and we have a great quiet dinner and then he tricks me into ordering a dessert and it arrives with a diamond ring in the strawberry atop the chocolate cake . ( I know chocolate and Diamonds!) And then he asks me again to marry him and I say "Yes" and cry all over myself in public. (which is not something that I do)

August 17 2008
I am in Arlington. Today would be three years but instead of spending today with my husband I am driving 80 miles an hour, 7 00 miles in the opposite direction of him . It rains long and steady for most of the day. I sit quietly and just watch the rain and cry a bit and hurt inside.

I have seen him once in 3 months. I haven't touched my husband since the night that the police dragged him out of our house. We have only had limited phone contact and a very little of that has been civil.

Sometimes I just want to go home back to our house back to coming home to a family, a routine, children in the house, Come home to Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! running and jumping into my arms. Come home to make dinner , to wash the dishes , and to run a load of wash, to give one screaming, fighting child a bath. To lay my baby down to bed , with a "kiss kiss mommy" just as soon as i get to the door of his room. One more waking up @ 4 am to wake my baby for daycare. One more day to be a family again, to have a child again, to be someones Mommy! again.

I know that no matter what I want or think some days that I want we will never be together again , we will never be a family, I won't ever be his mommy again.

Maybe the hardest part of yesterday was knowing that I was probably the only person who took even 10 seconds to think about what the day meant, to miss what we had, and to wish for something more.