Babies babies everywhere!

Sorry that i have been absent from writing but i have been gone to visit my grandma and celebrate my 21st birthday(for the 4th time).

It was expected that my best guy friend would have his baby on my birthday, but the baby didn't come until this morning .
( I told him to kiss that baby twice for not stealing my birthday!)

It was so excited when i found out that the baby was coming but this morning when i get the picture on my phone I began to feel that same old feeling that i get when another of my friends procreates.
Sadness, longing, jealousy, anger, left out and just generally upset that it wasn't my turn.

I am always the last or the only one of my friends to ever do anything.
I was the last to lose my virginity although I really didn't care to rush that day cause I was waiting for someone not going for anyone.
I was the last to start college.
The only one to finish college.
I was the first to marry.
The first to file for divorce.
And I am now the only one with out a kid or two .

I want to have a baby so bad I want to be pregnant I want to be a mommy. I want to stay up all night with a crying baby. I want to have bills i can't pay for buying diapers. I want to have to search for a decent daycare. I want it all. I want a mess because my children have played. I want dishes in the sink because my children have ate. I want a mess in the bathroom because my children are clean. I want a carseat to ruin the upholstery in my backseat. I want to have to change because there is puke on me. I want to go to the school about my child. I want to leave work for my sick child. I want to take my child to the doctor.
I want my children to hurry up and come.

I want to be called Mommy!

My husband and I waited and tried for 34 months to get pregnant.
Waited for a baby, waited for 2 pink lines, waited to wake up and puke, waited for everything that never came.
I have felt this pain before I have held and cooed over many a cute baby. I have watched many a darling baby. But I have always had the arms of my husband who wants this just as bad, who knows why walking past the baby aisle can bring me to tears. Who knows that seeing other children play or be held by their mother can reduce me to a flood. My husband who knows and feels my pain and his own when another friend announces that they are expecting.
We always joke with each other that we are expecting too expecting to have a baby someday.

So as I pick and pack up yet another baby gift to send to another friend who has succeeded in doing what I can't I pray that I will have the strength to say aloud and truthfully... Congrats!
I pray that as the pick dwindles that maybe I will have a chance to be picked next.
I am sure though as I name off my close friends and even a few distant ones that I am one of maybe 3 yet to be picked to play the game of parent.

I know that I sound like a 3rd grade nerd who never gets picked for baseball, but that is mostly how I feel. I don't understand why everyone else seems so much more fit to parent than me.
I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I mean I realize that my mom never told me how this works but I pretty sure that I know what to do, I know so much about what I want and nothing about how to get it.

So, I am now officially the aunt to 4 precious boys. ( and mother to none)