Chosen? Love?

It is said so many times especially in Christian circles that we are the "chosen ones" that we as Christians were chosen for the Savior to live a life for him and through him. I read another blog
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/09/scarlet-cord.html
that is written by Angie a woman that I do not know in real life who writes to deal with the Choosing of God to take her day old daughter home to rest in His arms.
I was reading what she last wrote about that has to do with being "chosen". She recounts the story of Rahab from the book of Joshua ( in the Bible) She was a hooker who hid men who had been sent into her country to spy and not only hid them but lied to the authorities on their behalf. Because of this ( The lying not the hooking) she was chosen to be in the linage of Jesus.
She was just a hooker, hiding men in her home and lying and yet chosen of God to be in the human lineage of Jesus. Angie writes somewhere down in the middle of her post that we are all chosen of God. ( You really should click the link and read it for yourself she is twice the writer that I can dream of being)

God! God? God.
After reading this I am struck again. I have been chosen by the God of the Bible
Jehovah Jireh, my provider, God the Same God is Love God.
He chose me?
Why would he ever choose me?
Is this the life he really chose for me or am I making all my own mess now?
Is this the life chosen for me by the one who loves me beyond all?
Being born to a mother who never wanted a little girl , Who will willingly quote herself saying while pregnant that she knew I was a boy because God would never curse her with a little girl.
Living in the shadow of my brother the only wanted child and being his scape goat for all childhood crimes.
Grow up longing to go to school.
To live at least the first sixteen years of my life without anyone ever touching me for any reason other than to discipline me(hurt me)
To not know how to touch other people and not know how to love a child for fear of being weird.
To only know touch as a sexual thing and struggle to understand that not all touches mean sex or pain.
To live nineteen years without ever hearing either one of my parents even lie to say that they love me.

To now have to try to say it to my mother who chokes it out as an ending to some phone conversations.
This is what love chose for me?
To not have the option to attend an academically accredited college for lack of high school diploma or records. Something that my brother was afforded.

To have a degree in Theology but have essentially no use for because of my looming divorce.
To never work in the capacity in a church that I felt once that I was called to because of a failed marriage.
To long for a child of my very own.

To have lost the love of my life for neither one of us knowing when we needed help.
To know that I threw away what might have been everything for today.

To know that because of my selfishness my son who was potty trained and eating at the table and bottle weaned and asking and talking, is now in diapers and bottle fed and now whining and not talking anymore for his father not having the help to raise three kids and work.

To wake everyday and wonder what I am doing with my life.
To not know why anything has happened to me.

To find a family and to really fit with them to hear all of them say that they love me and hug me and miss me and want me to be more a part of them. To finally fit somewhere in the world.
And then they are chosen to go to worship God at his feet.

Again is this the life that love chose for me?

I am struggling to know why God chose me I was damaged from the time I was a small child and knew that I was un wanted by my parents and not know why they didn't want me .

To watch many of my closest friends lose children to death, foster care, and custody cases.
And wonder all the time why I didn't die or be taken away .
I have watch my friend cry for her five daughters who were taken and adopted away. I watched her love them and miss them and fight for them To spend money she didn't have to go to court to fight for them and know all the while that if I had been taken no one would care or fight for me.
As I sit with another grieving mother who just buried her child and cry. I can't help but think that if it was my mother she would be glad of the reprieve of responcibility.

This is what love chose for us?
I think of those who have lost and wonder again this is what love chose for them, for me. This is it Love chose this for me.
Maybe me skewed version of a homelife helped me to a point that I might be able to accept this as love. Just as I did a spanking for love from my mother.
We were all chosen

My fellow blogger Angie ( bring the rain) said it and made her whole house bracelets to wear prolaiming their choseness.
Her baby died in her arms and yet she says that she was chosen for this?
That her baby was chosen to die? She was chosen to carry that load?
And love the load giver just the same poison or candy chosen to carry tht load just the same??

I just can't understand her faith and at the same time long for a faith inside of me that I can't understand.