August 17th

So, Yesterday was August 17. Yes, I know that it amazing that I can read a calendar.

August 17 2005, Laying in the floor of my brother's bed room in my parents old house. I finally worked up the courage to ask Tony if he would go out with me on Friday. He said yes! and I replied that I had already been promised a date with him but it was nice to know that He would go willingly.( My cousin Ben had already promised that Tony would take me out .)

August 17 2006
Tony and I are still together and we are home as it is a school night and have the kids home with us. he calls to me from the kitchen and asks with a smile on his face if I would spend the rest of my life with him. to which i most flippantly respond " of course, don't you know I love you" and return to my dishes. He again calls me to him and asks me to sit with him which is making me mad cause there is alot to do before I go to bed and the house is a wreck. ( as you get to know me you will know that my house no matter the level of cleanliness can always me cleaner)
I sit with him and he pulls out a ring box and I just begin to weep and smile and then he asks me again to stay with him forever and I say " Yes! Yes! Yes!"

August 17 2007
Tony and I have just gone through a very very hard time in our relationship. We are at "Bennigan's" where we went on our first date and we have a great quiet dinner and then he tricks me into ordering a dessert and it arrives with a diamond ring in the strawberry atop the chocolate cake . ( I know chocolate and Diamonds!) And then he asks me again to marry him and I say "Yes" and cry all over myself in public. (which is not something that I do)

August 17 2008
I am in Arlington. Today would be three years but instead of spending today with my husband I am driving 80 miles an hour, 7 00 miles in the opposite direction of him . It rains long and steady for most of the day. I sit quietly and just watch the rain and cry a bit and hurt inside.

I have seen him once in 3 months. I haven't touched my husband since the night that the police dragged him out of our house. We have only had limited phone contact and a very little of that has been civil.

Sometimes I just want to go home back to our house back to coming home to a family, a routine, children in the house, Come home to Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! running and jumping into my arms. Come home to make dinner , to wash the dishes , and to run a load of wash, to give one screaming, fighting child a bath. To lay my baby down to bed , with a "kiss kiss mommy" just as soon as i get to the door of his room. One more waking up @ 4 am to wake my baby for daycare. One more day to be a family again, to have a child again, to be someones Mommy! again.

I know that no matter what I want or think some days that I want we will never be together again , we will never be a family, I won't ever be his mommy again.

Maybe the hardest part of yesterday was knowing that I was probably the only person who took even 10 seconds to think about what the day meant, to miss what we had, and to wish for something more.