Today

So,
Today is the day
Today I am supposed to get divorced.
Everyday it has been getting closer everyday. And everyday I don't think that I can do it.
I don't want to.
I want to just go home and my husband and kids be there and this all be over.
9 months and 1 day later its all over.
We have been working on things oh so slowly.
I want this to never have happened.
This morning I am supposed to go before the judge and tell him that I don't want to be married, that I don't think that it will work, that I don't love him anymore.
And it will all be a lie.
I do want him .
I do want to be married.
I love him with all my heart and soul and everything else inside me I love him.

We have talked about it and he thinks that we should just close this chapter and start again and the get married again in the future if it works out again.
So ,
I guess that I am going to go try to do this.
Try to convince the judge that I really want this to happen
when I don't want this at all

I have been avoiding this whole thing .
Just wishing that it would go away and not be real.
That one day he will call me and say that its over and I can come home now.
That he forgives me from his heart and wants to live together again.

So, pray for me today as I hate this whole thing and don't really know what to do about it besides work and wish for better.

Oh yeah
and today they are going to go in and take a small bit of my cervix out (yes this has a big name that I can't spell or say correctly) to run some tests on it to see what is wrong with it
I hate doctors and doctors in my personals

I just hope that I make it through today one way or another

karen