The Pedicure that changed the world....

(I have been working on this post for a while and struggling with this in my heart as well. This is kinda an all over post. )

Well my whole world anyways


lots of things have been changing for me of late.


I went to get a pedicure this afternoon.


I walked in and I was THE ONLY customer in the whole place.


Kinda strange, I even asked if she was open . Yes she was and I had caught her at a good time because she wasn't busy.


I sit in the spa chair and stick my feet in the lovely warm water and sit back and prepared to relax.


Well that was shortly interrupted by her ripping ( no exaggeration) my anklet off my foot.


The Anklet that I have worn for ,well would have been six years next month, had she not took it off.
A very dear friend gave me that anklet/ bracelet the last time that I saw him before he went to heaven.

I told her that I wanted to put it back on right away.


In her best broken English she said " This is so old and dirty and stinky take it off and let me give massage . You will feel better. You can put on at home. Just relax here.


Sounds a lot like what I have been hearing God say to my heart. Even in the midst of all of my other stuff I have been dealing with their absence in my heart. Maybe because when I am hurting I miss them all the more. Maybe because I know that I wouldn't have gone and done half of what I have had I had to answer to J .


I have heard God say to my heart :"Bring me ALL of your heartaches".

God has been begging to take away the pain of their death and to let me relax and soak my feet in the water.

" Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I'll give you rest." Matt. 11:28



God has been with me and been amazing in my life in many new ways as of late. I just have been hanging on to my own grief. I have been hanging on to the pain afraid too let it go for fear that in letting go of the pain I just might be letting go of them in a way. Afraid of what emotion would replace my pain. Afraid of the unknown.

" Casting all your cares upon Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

I memorized tons of scriptures as a child and in college. And they really do come back to you when you need them to.When I sat in that nail shop and heard the lady echo the words I hear God telling me in my heart I also began to hear these verses in my head .

I began to cry and I really felt a peace come over me, a small peace that I haven't felt at all in my heart since they died. I really knew in my heart at that moment in the spa chair that God felt my pain.


I know that it is just a stupid old discolored plastic bracelet.
I have one heck of a tan line underneath of it .
I know that I have his name tattooed on me and that will be there forever.
I know that no matter what I will always remember and love him deep in my heart, he will be my brother forever.

I think I love this anklet more than anything else that I have of theirs because it is a way to remember him alive and not something that I got after they died.

I put my anklet back on and plan to wear it until it falls off.

I thank God that He knows my heart, He knows my pain and He knows where I get my toes done!

Karen

What time is it in Heaven?

Sissy,
For the past week every morning when I get to work and walk to my station and starting getting my scanners and "tools" ready for the day ahead, I have been overwhelmed with the smell of you.
I can't remember the name of that Calgon Body spray that brings you back to me but , every morning at 4 am there it is.
The first day I kinda put it out of my mind thinking that I was smelling things. ( Is that one step crazier than hearing things?)
The next day I took time to sniff each of my co-workers.
Most of whom are men but I sniffed them too just in case they had been close to a girl.
I would say that they almost all smell..... but not pleasant.

Yesterday my face began to leak from my eyes as I was working because I was thinking of you and where you are and where you aren't and where I want you to be.

You aren't driving a car, you aren't in High School, you aren't dating a boy , You aren't in choir .
You are in Heaven singing with the angels at the feet of God, You are in Heaven with Jayden and your Gran dad , Glenne & Baby Nathan.
I want you here with me.

I don't know what time it is in Heaven at 4am my time but, I don't suppose that your new body needs much sleep. You don't have to get up for school so I guess it's ok if you get up before the chickens and give me a pleasant smell that overcomes all of the BO that is about.


I love you Sissy,
I miss you everyday

I hope to smell you in the morning,
Karen

Is Heaven Lonely?

I found the feather that you sent to me, I am glad that with your dad there now you haven't forgot me!

So, I think that for the first time since you left I am actually happy for you.
I bet you were so happy to get to see your dad!
Sometimes I wonder if Heaven is lonely , I know that it is full of people but still do you feel lonely because we are not there?
Well if it is I know that you are better now that your dad is there with you.
I bet that your dad is happy to see you too and the kids! I know that he has missed you guys alot like we all have.
I wanted to come too but I didn't.
I miss you and wish you were here I need your insight and advice and I need you to love me.
Have fun with your dad and don't forget to send me more feathers
I miss you, Dad
I love you

Karen

Happy birthday Dad!

So , I have been waiting for you to send me a feather but I haven't found one.
I looked everywhere on your birthday but didn't find one.
I sent you a card with a feather on the front.
I know that you will never get it but I send you one every year.
Just because it makes me feel better to not forget your birthday.
I hope that maybe you are celebrating in heaven.
I hope that you somehow know that I am thinking of you today and everyday that you are gone.

Send me a feather to let me know you are thinking of me.
Send me happy memories.
I miss you
I love you, Dad

Karen

So here you are again!

What a great surprise to find the feather that you sent laying behind the couch when I got home from such a long day!

Why did you send me a feather today?

I know that I have been thinking about you an awful lot these days and wishing you but a phone call away to lend some advice my way but alas a lack.

I know that next week is your birthday so I have been wondering how you celebrate birthdays there? Or are you much to lost in worship to even think of yourself and stop to celebrate your birthday. I guess that it is a weird concept there to think of the day that you were sent to earth. But still I wonder what the cake tastes like up there.

I took a picture of your tattoo to an artist to day to see about getting a cover up for the dumb thing and looking for some other thing to celebrate your life to put in another place.

I am not covering it up because I no longer love or remember you just because the dumb letters are backwards and it drives me crazy!!!

So , I will see in a few days if I can find anything suitable to cover it up with.

I have some ideas for another tattoo, I am thinking of putting it on my rib cage although I am not sure yet.

So Send me more feathers on my hard days and I will think about you often and smile

I love you -- Dad

I miss you, come back to me as happy memories.

*************************************************************************************

Anyone else who may draw or know anyone who is good at drawing and would like to lend some help.

I am looking to cover this tattoo up and start again with anything else

If you have any ideas for a cover up just let me know or draw something if you think you have a good idea.

9/11

Here it is Sept. 11 again and you came back to me again.



I didn't even know what day it was until i got to work and started to fill out my paper work.

Right away I knew why I had had the dream of you. It is because that was a special day that we spent together. Looking back even though it was a day of high fear and unsettling events I would have to say it was my favorite day with you. I was so scared and you quelled my fears. I even cried and you dried my tears. You hugged me and I felt so safe even though the world was coming undone. Now that dream that woke me.



We were at a church of some kind although I can't say that I have ever been there. Mom was teaching and as per the usual me I said something and then got up to leave and make a scene. No one followed me. So I sat on an old couch and waited for the lesson to be over, while I was waiting Jayden came and sat beside me and I do remember him looking into my eyes and but he didn't say anything at all. he just looked at me and sad to say I couldn't not read what his eyes were saying to me.

Then the lesson got over and the door was opened and I saw Janessa there laughing and joking and smiling. She was drinking red pop of some kind and laughed so hard that it spewed from her mouth and then there was more laughter.

We left the church and went swimming. And when we got there I was going on a slide and somehow this little brown haired, brown eyed girl was there and she was somehow your daughter

too. So weird. So anyhow I took her with me on the slide because she was so little. ( like 3-4 years old) You were waiting for us at the bottom and smiled so big to see us. You didn't have your glasses on I guess because we were swimming but you were not your sober, quiet self but so happy and laughing.

Just as I could see you and look at you in the face I woke up.

I had no idea what day it was or why you had come back to me.


I found the feather that you sent me.

I hope that I always find them when you send them to me.



I love you and miss you, Dad

Send me more feathers and I will think of you.



I remembered you today and smiled.

Send me more happy memories and I will never forget them.