Scars

I I got this in an E-mail Forward. I am not much for forwarding things to other people.
But, I felt like this one was very good and wanted to share it with you.



SCARS OF LIFE
Some years ago,
on a hot summer day
in South Florida ,
a little boy decided to go
for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house.
In a hurry to dive into
the cool water,
he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.
He flew into the water,
not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together.
In utter fear,
he ran toward the water,
yelling to his son as loudly
as he could.Hearing his voice,
the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn
to swim to his father.
It was too late.
Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.From the dock,
the father grabbed his little boy by the arms
just as the alligator
snatched his legs..
That began an incredible
tug-of-war between the two.
The alligator was much stronger than the father,
but the father was much
too passionate to let go.
A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams,
raced from his truck,
took aim and shot the alligator.
Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital,
the little boy survived.
His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack
of the animal.
And, on his arms,
were deep scratches
where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort
to hang on to the son he loved.The newspaper reporter
who interviewed the boy
after the trauma,
asked if he would
show him his scars.
The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter,
'But look at my arms.
I have great scars
on my arms, too.
I have them because
my Dad wouldn't let go!

You and I can identify
with that little boy.
We have scars, too.
No, not from an alligator,
but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars
are unsightly and have
caused us deep regret.
But, some wounds,
my friend,
are because God has refused
to let go.
In the midst of your struggle, He's been there
holding on to you..The Scripture teaches that
God loves you.
You are a child of God.
He wants to protect you
and
provide for you in every way.
But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead..
The swimming hole of life
is filled with peril -
and we forget
that the enemy is waiting
to attack.
That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have
the scars of His love
on your arms,
be very, very grateful.
He did not and will not ever let you go.
Author - Unknown.

I will probly always have a scar on my arm that spells out "FAILURE" but now I can know that it is from a father who would not let me go

Somewhere down in Kansas..........

So, I promised the whole story of why I am here somewhere down in Kansas.

There was so much that happened I think that a time line would be best to explain.
Tues. Feb. 10-
I return from Nebraska late in the evening to visit my kids and Tony. I get my Valentines gift from him we spend lots of time cuddling and such. I cry my face off in his arms and beg him with all that I have inside me not to go. I cry all the way home and cry my self to sleep.

Wed. Feb.11 -
Tony takes an early am flight to Wisconsin to meet his Internet girlfriend of 8 months. Who up until this point was not really real to me.
When he calls me from the plane to say that he is really leaving to really go out there. I fall apart, I cry my face off again and it hurts all over my body such that I don't know what to do. I get a razor and carve "FAILURE" into my forearm.
Go pick my kids up from school hang out with them and their mom and step-dad.
Get a long lecture from Kyle on how failure is not ever an option.
I go to church and lose myself in the activity and laughter of children.

Thurs.
Don't go to work. Don't get out of bed until 8pm. Go to visit a pastor friend of mine and bleed and cry with him. He prays for me and I feel better even though I'm sure that God has forgotten about me at this point.

Fri.
Go to work but leave early and go to bed.
Hang out with my kids and their step-brother and cousin.
Take my kids to mall and walk around until it closes.
Go out to eat with my brother in-law. Talk with him and cry in public. (not something I ever, ever, ever do) Stay up all night talking with him.

Sat. Valentines day
Go to work.
Go home and pick my arm again to feel the pain get out of me.
My cousin Ben comes in from Houston to visit me and tries to talk to me about divorce and moving on. I hear none of this. He goes home and tells his mom who tells her sister ,who tells my grandma, who tell my aunt, who tells my mom that I am not OK.
Spend day and night with my kids and take them home with me to stay the night.
Call Tony to say Happy Valentines Day! He says I will never see my kids again and that we are over forever. I cry to him and he hangs up in my face. Cry again with my brother in-law.
Watch my kids sleep in my bed and cry all night not wanting to miss a moment with them.
Slice a large gash in the bend of my arm and let it bleed out everywhere.
Freak out and try to clean that up so the kids aren't freaked.

Sun. Feb 15 Our wedding anniversary
Take kids to church.
Ask someone at church for help and show them my scars and get no help or advice.
Stay at church til 2:30
Go to mall with kids
Return to church
Take kids home
Let kids run wild and rent 'R' rated movies and stay up all night playing ( well til 2 am)
Carve Feb.15 into my other arm
Sleep finally watching my kids sleep and hearing the soft sounds of rest .


****Meanwhile somewhere down in Kansas. A deacon board is meeting and decides to send the entire church staff from their church to Euless to a conference.
Enter my other mother onto the scene.
*****Meanwhile someone from my church sees the pain on my arms and call Ginger to tattle on me.
I don't know who you are but thank you.



Mon. Feb. 16
Wake up and get kids dressed and put the house back together.
Take kids to Wal-mart.
Explain to kids that I might never get to see them again.
We all cry. I hurt all over watching them cry.
Ginger calls to see if I am OK
I tell her the truth
I get my kids picked up and go to talk to her
Ginger and Richard ( my Sunday School teachers) Talk to me and tell me how it has to be
They say that I am going back to Millwood Hospital.
I flat out refuse.
She calls my other mother who is un known to me just ten mins away in Euless to ask her what to do with me.
She says she is going to take me home with her somewhere down in Kansas.

At this point I am left with a choice.
Go back to the hospital and do that whole thing again or go with my other mother and get my life straight.
It might sound like an easy choice but it was not and it is not easy to choose everyday to get up and work on getting better, to work on all of the junk that is inside of me.
To try to work on this mess and not cut.

This is so hard and I am not so sure that I will be able to do it.
Getting better, doing better and being better will take alot of time and hard work of looking at the demons that I have hid in my heart for so long and facing them and conquering them.

Again
It matters that you pray for me

Karen
who is
Somewhere down in Kansas.

P.S.
if you want my snail mail address email me:

pinkieforever21@YAHOO.COM

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego......

So, I have no idea where Carmen San Diego is. But I know where I am.
This week has been a whirl wind. God did something and I have no idea what is for but things just kept happening and now I am in Kansas.
I will give the you the whole story in my next blog.
I only know a few things.....
God wants me alive.... still
God wants me to do something
I have to get better
I want to be a better example to my kids and the kids that I want to minister to.
I can't help my kids or anyone else's kids by cutting myself ,crying, chasing after a man who is at this point not that in to me, going to church, Lather, rinse repeat. week after week.

So, I am sorry that I had to step out on all of my responsibilities and my kids but
When you wake up in the belly of a whale, you go where ever God sends.

It matters that you pray for me
this is of God I know that but
it isnt easy ( I dont want to be here I want to be with my kids)
I left my kids behind alone at this point with their non-custodial, drug abusing mother.
I had to tell my kids that I am a grown up but I dont got it together enough to be able to care for them.

I want a better life for my kids, I want to be a better example, I want to be something more than I am.

Karen

P.S.
If you are from UBC
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Dont forget my kids need someone to take them to church.
My kids need a positive role model
My kids need you.
My kids need Jesus
I know that I made 3 of you promise to my face not to leave my kids out or forgotten .
But I am serious
TAKE MY KIDS TO CHURCH.

I'm Not your princess

As I pace back and forth
All this time cause I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on The days drag on
Stupid girl I should have known,
I should have known.
That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now it's to late for you and your white horse to come around.
Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes,and never really had a chance.my mistake,
I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings, well now I know...That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your white horse to come around.
And here I am on my knees.Begging for forgiveness, begging for you.
Just like I always wanted but,
I'm so sorry.
Cause I'm not your princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm gonna find someone some day, who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world.
That was a small town, there in my rearview mirror disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your white horse...Its too late for you and your white horse to catch me now.

A cause ....

So, in my myspacing I found a group that really touched me

They are called " To Write Love On Her Arms"
It is a suicide rescue group. Their purpose is to help people to feel loved and to prevent self mutilation with love.
It is a great group that is just starting out .
They have great blogs on their own page and are from what I can tell a Christian group.

The entire mission is to love people back from the edge..... WOW
sounds alot like this man that I heard about in Sunday school............................

you can check them on myspace at:
www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms

and on the web at:
www.twloha.com


Check it out
Karen