Dear Abuse,

Dear Abuse,

I have known you all of my life you lived in my house when I was a child and have followed me everywhere I have ever been.
You have had so many first names I almost lost track of who all you have been to me.
Child abuse,child sexual abuse, emotional abuse,physical abuse ,domestic abuse, sexual abuse, abuse of money, abuse of power , verbal abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse ,and self abuse.

I thought that it was normal to have to deal with you at every turn.

But you no longer hold me up, hold me back or hold me down.

I no longer live under you and you are not a part of my life anymore.
It will be hard to find myself without you in my life, you were such a big part of who I am .
But I will be moving on now, This has been a long hard road together and you have brought so much to my life.
You lied to me and made me to believe that I can't do any better with my life.

Living with you were some of the darkest days of my life. You are the bottom. living with you wasn't all that I can be it is the least that I can be.
I have a new scale now; You are the bottom and the moon is the top.
I can now believe that there is a moon and now I am going shoot for it.

You don't own me anymore. You don't scare me anymore.
I am taking my life and all my stuff into my own hands and I will not be needing you anymore.

I am host and producer of this show now. I run things my way here.

I know that this letter arrived without a return address.
I have moved and you won't be coming to my house anymore so you don't need to know where I live now.
Our life long relationship is over.
Its not me it's you.
I just can't stand to be around you anymore.
You don't have anything that I want or need in my life.
You aren't going anywhere and I don't want to go along.

I know that I will see you around in the faces of others.
I'll pray for them.

Don't embarrass your self by knocking on my door.
Karen

Dear Cocaine,

Dear Cocaine,

We have never personally met and I don't even know where you live.

You know several of my friends and family. Maybe you know of me in the same way that I know you.

The reason that I am writing to you is that I have reason to believe that you saved my life.

And for that ;Thanks are in order.

You may remember a very angry friend of yours.

He also was my husband.

I want to thank you for you keeping his anger at bay for so long and helping me to be able to live. Without you in his life I know that things would have only gotten worse for me and his anger would have been increased.

Like last time when he couldn't find you anywhere and lost control and nearly killed me twice in the same day.

He used to beat me regularly, but now that you and he are re-acquainted he has better things to worry about than me.

Things in my marriage had been getting really bad and at first you were a real strain on the pocket book.

But in retrospect I guess that is a small price to pay for my own life.

I cannot say enough thanks to you for all your hard work and generosity.

I have since left my husband, for the sake of those around him, I hope you never do.

You suit him well and make a good mate for him.

Please share this with all of your friends: Marijuana, & Methamphetamine, & any others you may meet with my Ex-husband.

Although you have been of up most service to me;

I pray we never meet again.

Karen

How bad do you want it?

So , as I said last blog I would tell you more of my exit Texas strategy.



Well here it is: Get the heck out of there in the fastest way possible.



So , I started that In January, and just in case you don't have a calendar handy there with you, it is now May.



I realized somewhere around Nov. of last year that I no longer wanted to be in the relationship that I was in.

I saw some really wrong things go on and I cannot live with my conscience and let these things go on.

I realized that Tony and I no longer had anything between us. That our values very 100% different on every account.



I didn't want to spend Christmas with my family so I choose to stay until after the holidays.



In January I came to Nebraska for a visit and as I always do I longed to be "home".

I talked it over with my bestie and it was decided that I was moving home again.



I had no idea what was in store for me as I began to leave.



First of all I had to find a way to gently break this news to Tony. Finding him on a less angry day/mood is Impossible so i kept it to myself waiting for this day to arrive. it never did and things only got worse.

So, to make a LONG Complicated story short I was forced by circumstances to move into a Safe House.

A place where women go to hide because they are involved in Domestic Violence.

I thought that I could get a Protective Order and be on my way in about a week.

But like they say "Everything is bigger in Texas".

This also applies to wait time. It took me 5 weeks and 1 day to get a Protective Order.

In the mean time I am forced to hide out and wait.

I have learned that I am a horrible waiter. Its not so much impatience as I just hate waiting.

I think that I had to prove to someone somewhere that I in fact really did want to leave Texas.

In Order to leave I had a list at least a mile long of errands to run. And every errand turned into at least 3 more.
I went to get my things from storage and found out that I had to come back the next day.
I went to get the oil changed in my car and had to go back 3 times because they broke the window opener thing on my car and then they had to order the part and put it on.

I went to get a spare tire for the car which resulted in 3 trips back to the same place. Just to get a tire.

I had to get a hitch installed on my van in order to pull a trailer . They cancelled my appointment twice and then I had to pay $100.00 more than I was quoted.

SO finally the day before I am set to leave I get everything accomplished and think that it is now behind me.

The day of court I go in and am done at about 9:45 and I am set to wait for them to make me a copy of the order that the judge had just signed.

I wait until 12:15 Two and a half hours to make a copy! are you kidding me. Then I wait for a taxi to pick me up and I wait about two hours.

I then finally drive away and out of Texas! Hallelujah Jesus!

I arrive in Oklahoma where I am set to pick up a trailer and load furniture.

WRONG! THE U-Haul guy that told me he could meet me after hours to pick up a trailer. told me straight up NO he wouldn't work with me even though he told me on the phone that he would. GRRRR

Go to the house where the furniture is only to find that there is about twice the furniture there than what I had in mind .

So, we just leave and drive to outside Oklahoma City.

We just made a 150 mile excursion on to our trip that was pointless.

It is now 3 am and we stop to get a room. I have been waiting all day and I am about to burst with frustration. I take a shower and lay down and sleep.

AHHH what a glorious sleep it was!

Everything has gone to plan since then.

It was just as if the great God of Texas just had to know how bad I really wanted to leave.

I Love Nebraska! I love being home! I love being out of Texas!

And I think that I earned my freedom.

Karen

Catching You Up with me.

So, as you can see I haven't blogged in a LONG time.
The ENTIRE time that I was in Texas I only blogged one time.( YIKES!)
But now that that's over I plan to blog more.


So in the last blog I put that I was back in Texas for "GOOD". Well no I'm not and wasn't I just don't think that Texas is the place for me. Not much good has come from my Texas dwelling.

I have been planning to leave Texas since December of 2009 but plans just didn't come through. (More on this in the next blog.)

I had a great big plan in my head that I could come back to Texas and that things would be right and that everything could be worked through and dealt with and we( Tony(ex-husband) and I) could overcome our past and move on. I had thought that things would be instantly good. Good being defined as: Me pregnant, well behaved children, Tony and I having our own home , him working.
But as it turned out he had a baby in December with someone else and I didn't ever even get pregnant. As it turns out his kids are worse and he is especially unconcerned with all things kids. As it turns out he wants to live in Hell( his Dad's revolving door house).
As it turns out he would rather not work and take the money that I work for and squander it.
As it turns out nothing is fine and nothing can ever be worked out between us.

As it turns out I'm not really me with him. ( never have been)

I had the support of many people and the prayers of so many more.
If you were in that praying number, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
If you were in the action group. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart. Without you I'm sure I would not have made it.

More Next time on the exit strategy.
Please tune in again.