The fear of fog and the fog of fear.

So, I am still having troubles with the pictures up loading. I guess it was not meant for you to see our Christmas. As soon as I get that figured out I will post them .

This morning I was driving my older kids to school. (which is a rare treat for me that I love!)
This morning it was very, very,very foggy. Almost so bad that I didn't drive but, seeing as how I am on school nights sleepover trial run #1. I decided that we would venture out. It was only foggy in patches and clear in other places. As we got closer to the schools ( which are next door to each other) it was getting worse, so much so that at one point Kyle ( my oldest son) spoke with more fear than I think that I have ever heard in his voice. Kyle would be my oldest, independent, self assured, bull headed, fearless 13 year old. Seriously, fearless he does backflips off of the roof of our house and anything else that is tall enough.The child who when he came upon the dryer on fire puts it out and then yells for help. Kyle says " It really looks like we are going to drive off into nothing ". His school sits on the corner and as we turned the corner we could not see the school at all. We couldn't see the building, or the parking lot, or the dumpster, or the sign, Nothing but fog. It was crazy and a bit creepy, but remember I have my brave Mom face on.
So, we drive on into nothing and I drop him off and can't even see if he makes inside.

>> Fast forward
My roommate and her fiance' come in from work late tonight and we begin to talk about the day. She asks if I got the kids to school on time and I tell her yes. I also tell her about the deep fog that was over that side of town this morning and how I haven't seen fog that thick ever that I can recall. Then I tell her that the kids were scared and how they didn't want to drive into the fog. She then begins to laugh and her fiance' joins in. She asks did you crack up when he said that. I reply No of course not he was really and truly scared.

And then I think about how God is with us.
He can see through the fog the fog of failure, the fog of hurting, the fog of fear, the fog of wanting. And He doesn't laugh at us.
God knows that the condition of the air doesn't change the road or take away buildings.
God knows what is out there. He knows how silly our fears are, He can see right through them, and yet he doesn't laugh at us. He puts on His brave Dad face a drives into the nothingness. He knows what lies ahead, He knows where this road leads.
All we have to do is trust Him, trust that our Father isn't driving us off a cliff or into the side of a building. He is taking us somewhere safe and warm and close to Him. But right now we have to get into the car and trust that He will go along, He will be there and we can trust His word.



God's word says in Psalms 139:7-12
:7Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
:8If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
:9If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
:10Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
:11If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me," Even the night shall be light about me;
:12Indeed, the darkness will not be dark to You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.


The darkness will not be dark to You- aka the fog will not be foggy to You.

I can trust that you can drive me in the fog.
I can trust that you won't leave me alone in the fog
I can trust that in all this fog the world still goes on
I can trust that we are going somewhere even though all I see outside is nothing.

Jesus I can trust in YOU!
You won't laugh at my fears but gently take my arm and see me through this fog.

Karen

Christmas pictures

ok so i really want to post the pictures from Christmas

but I am apparently not smart enough to get this done

Someone please help me

please

all i want to do is put them in row down the side with captions in between

is that so much to ask

ok

someone blog me and give the the low down on how this is done

please

karen

Christmas Pictures.

Waiting for Santa.

Waiting for Santa

So , I know that this is like a month late but I have been busy.

Here are the pictures of my kids on Christmas.

Jesus today I am tired

Jesus come take me away
I long to see your face
This world is broken yet beautifully made
Jesus come take me away
And Jesus I'll patiently wait
Until with these vapors I'll fade
Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days
And Jesus I'll patiently wait
And you'll come again with a shout
Like a thief in the night you'll come riding on clouds
And finally the voice I have followed for life has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you'll come for me
No more pain, peace
No more fear, release
Just lost and consumed with my glorious king
And Jesus today I am tired
And I need your music to come and inspire
I give myself to be refined in this fire
But Jesus today I'm so tired
And you'll come again with a shout
Like a thief in the night you'll come riding on clouds
And finally the voice I have followed for life has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you'll come for me
No more pain, peace
No more fear, release
Just lost and consumed with my glorious king
And you'll come for me
Come for me
Come for me
Come for me
Come for me
~Charlie Hall
I love this song by Charlie Hall.

Galatians 6:9 says "Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up"
The verse doesn't say to keep it up for a week or a month or a year but it just says don't ever give up.

I have grown so tired of waiting that sometimes I lose sight of the fact that I never know how long I must wait and continue to do what I'm suppose to do. I just want to see God's whole plan for me and I don't want to go step by step but I want to read the entire story before I set out.
I have been praying that I might know what on earth I am here for. ( No, I haven't read Rick Warren's book on such subject and don't care to)
I want God to come to me and give me at least the next step of His plan for me.
I want a purpose, I want a cause, I want a family to care for, I want a home I want I want I want I want....................
I want to know how God intends for me to fulfill His plan for my life.

The Bible also says in Philippians 4:11&12 "For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty"
So, I guess I am suppose to sit tight and hang on and be happy while I sit tight here not knowing.

Waiting for Jesus to come and wondering what in the world to do in the mean time.
Hoping He comes today for me.....
Karen

Mama Called the Doctor and the Doctor Said........

No more monkeys sleeping in my bed........
So,

I phoned the doctor today and asked as to the results of the biopsy that they did last Friday.



The doctors office told me that I had no problems it was all clear.
To which I asked what are you sure?
Oh yeah we are just gonna watch you and see what happens.
I still need you to not get prego until we know what it is.
So you are watching nothing?
It is all clear but I can't get pregnant?
So, I can't get pregnant and I have nothing to worry about.
I am so frustrated with this whole thing
I am scheduled to go back at the end of March
so I am not gonna worry about any of this mess until then if I even go back.....

Mind you this is the second opinion.
So, there will be no,
More monkeys sleeping in my bed........

Karen

Say it don't spray it.......

** Disclaimer**
This post may be a bit graphic for all of my readership. If you don't care to hear about my visit to the gyno then don't read.

So, on Friday I went to see the doctor to freeze out the cancer and pre-cancerous cells on my cervix.
First off I am seeing a man and I was told that it would be a woman.
I have a personal opinion that any man who decides to make his living looking at women's personals is a lot bit creepy. Anyways a side from that,
So, I go in and get all set up and he takes a look inside and says" Oh my! Your cervix looks awful, just terrible." Then He says, "this doesn't look like cancer this looks worse!"
So, He decides not to freeze anything but to take another biopsy to look at it again and see what he thinks about it.
He asks all kinds of questions as to why my cervix looks awful. Have any kids? Abortions? Rape?Infections? Surgery's? STD's? No no no no no and no.
He keeps using the word "awful "and the more he says it the more it freaks me

I asked him what he meant by "worse than cancer" and he said that he didn't want to say yet without knowing the results of his biopsy.
But, he made no bones about the fact that it was bad and serious although how much so he wouldn't say.
So I go back in 2 weeks and he will then decide what he wants to do with my "Awful looking" cervix.

Oh and the most creepy thing ever was that as he was talking in the direction of my personals he would spit every time he spoke .

I also got the HPV shot and just in case you were wanting to go get one be aware that it burns all the way down your arm and hurts.

Karen

Standing still.

I went canoeing today, so nice to just sit in the water and float along thinking about everything.

If you look at the water or the sky you cannot tell that you are moving along at all. Life and the world keeps moving on flowing towards the ocean but I am standing still. Floating along in this river not knowing when I will get to the end not knowing if there is an end. Will I ever get out? The world just keeps moving on , I am broken hearted and heavy with emotions and it doesn't matter to anyone.

I had written this in my journal back in July(when canoeing in Nebraska was an option) and still today I am there

Life is still moving on, other people are expecting babies, other people are planning weddings, and graduations. The rest of the world knows where their journey will end, they have a ticket to get off this boat at a certain stop and I am standing still. Some how life has passed me by and I sit here waiting looking at this river and not knowing if I am moving or not, looking at the sky and not knowing if I am moving or not. Yet everything in my life has changed, but does that mean that I have. My life has come undone and yet I feel like I am standing still. I'm still not pregnant, still not married, still don't have any kids, still hurting inside because they died and left me all alone. I am still not anything that I want to be or anything that I should be. I still just wish that I would die because at least that would be a change in my life. But I failed at that too.

I am going to be in two weddings this year neither mine,
I am going to watch five babies be born and grow, none mine.

Life will go on this year for everyone and I will stand and watch.
I can't make him love me again, no matter how hard I try, I can't make a baby no matter how hard I try,I can't bring them back to me no matter how much I want to.

I am a girl, born to be a sister, daughter, mother & wife yet I fail at the very thing that I was made to do.

What time is it in Heaven?

Sissy,
For the past week every morning when I get to work and walk to my station and starting getting my scanners and "tools" ready for the day ahead, I have been overwhelmed with the smell of you.
I can't remember the name of that Calgon Body spray that brings you back to me but , every morning at 4 am there it is.
The first day I kinda put it out of my mind thinking that I was smelling things. ( Is that one step crazier than hearing things?)
The next day I took time to sniff each of my co-workers.
Most of whom are men but I sniffed them too just in case they had been close to a girl.
I would say that they almost all smell..... but not pleasant.

Yesterday my face began to leak from my eyes as I was working because I was thinking of you and where you are and where you aren't and where I want you to be.

You aren't driving a car, you aren't in High School, you aren't dating a boy , You aren't in choir .
You are in Heaven singing with the angels at the feet of God, You are in Heaven with Jayden and your Gran dad , Glenne & Baby Nathan.
I want you here with me.

I don't know what time it is in Heaven at 4am my time but, I don't suppose that your new body needs much sleep. You don't have to get up for school so I guess it's ok if you get up before the chickens and give me a pleasant smell that overcomes all of the BO that is about.


I love you Sissy,
I miss you everyday

I hope to smell you in the morning,
Karen

January 16th

On January 16th,
I will be going to have the cancerous and pre- cancer frozen off of my cervix.
I am going to Oklahoma to have it done at the Indian Hospital.
Because I am Indian (what? You couldn't tell) everything that I need to have done and all
follow - ups and meds and EVERYTHING will be free to me.
I have no idea what all they will do to me. I am so scared and nervous.
I have been to the doctor only like 5 times in my whole life( that I can remember) and don't really care for them, maybe cause I never went as a child.

Pray for me and the doctors,

It matters that you pray
Karen

I wish you Dump Trucks

There is a story in my family about my Uncle Hal( my dad's older brother). When my grandparents told him he was going to get a baby brother ,he replied
"I don't want a brother, I want a dump truck!"

And then I am told that the very first, only, and last fit that I threw in a store was in Toys "R" Us, because I was told that I was NOT getting a dump truck.
That same year I was told that I was going to get a baby brother to which I replied,
"NO I want a dump truck!"

This year I spent Christmas with my husband and the kids and this year my son asked for only 3 things from Santa , a "rock star" ( guitar) , a monster truck and a dump truck.

And after he had opened all of his gifts and saw that the bottom of the tree was bare he looked at me and said " Where is my dump truck?!"

He did in fact get a trash truck, a recycling truck, a pick-up truck that hauls a set of ski- doo's, a low rider truck that makes more noise that should be allowed by a child's toy, and a monster truck and a cement truck and a hand full of hot wheel cars and trucks.

I tried to divert his attention to the fleet of other trucks that he had been given but he was not falling for any distractions. He still kept waiting for the ever elusive dump truck to appear.

The best part of the story is that although My uncle and I neither one ever got dump trucks our younger brothers both did!
Does this mean that Aidan will soon be getting a baby brother that WILL get a dump truck???
I hope so!

And to my friends who are waiting for babies ,
I wish you Dump trucks for younger brothers!