Picture #6

Day 06 - A picture of somewhere you've been.

I have been a good many places and have visited most of the western half of this country.

I have lived in lots of places.

But a cornfield will always be home.

I love to drive in the country and I love to see the fields and walk in the pivot ruts.

I may have been born a Texan but my heart belongs in a cornfield

Day #5

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory....

I know I know I know I failed at my mission of blogging 30 days straight.

This was a hard picture to find.

I am just giving you a favorite memory from this year.

To process through any further back is way to much thinking.

Here's me and my Nephew Watercolor painting for the first time.

No we didn't even start out with paper.

We had a blast!!!!

Picture #4

Day 04 - A picture of your night

I work days and nights so mostly my nights look like the middle of the day.

I work at a group home for Handicapped adults . I work overnights. Mostly I do house work. Dishes, laundry, cleaning,cooking for the next day, taking out trash Etc.(this may explain why the housework in my own home is lacking)

I eat lunch around 3:00am.

I wish I had a nice picture of a starry night or a bed to put here but I don't see much of my bed. And when I do get to see it I don't do alot of sleeping in it.

Picture #3

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

I can't say that I have a favorite TV show. I thought and thought and thought about this for a long time and I truly can't say that I have a favorite show. I get so bored watching TV. I grew up ( in America) without a TV . I guess I just never learned to watch it or learned to follow a show. I sometimes think that I want to watch a show or something looks interesting to me but then I sit down to watch it and get bored or forget that I'm watching and walk away or fall asleep.

I just don't think that this will ever happen for me... and I am 100% OK with that.

Picture #2

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

My BFF Hilary. Here we were preparing to go to a "Mad Hatter's Tea Party".

Karen

My life in 30 pictures

My life in 30 pictures.

In an attempt to get back into blogging ( not that I don't LOVE LOVE LOVE to blog and read other blogs its just that I work two full time jobs and seldom have time for anything) I have stolen.(ie Copy and paste) a list of 30 pictures that are meaningful.

I hope you will stop by and check them out.

I will try to do another one everyday or every other day.

Ironically the first picture is a word picture.

How appropriate is that for a jump start to blogging?

#1 A Picture of Yourself in 15 facts.

1. I hate pizza.

2. I don't sleep with a pillow.

3. I like room temperature and slightly flat pop.

4. I call all coke, soda, and soft drinks Pop!

5. I love kids.

6.I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up.

7.I'm not sure I want to grow up.

8.I want to get a dog.

9.I love Christmas time!

10.I hate November.

11. I wish I had more time to sew and craft and write.

12.Playing piano is my stress relief and a great joy in life.

13.I want to learn to dance like my brother.

14.I hope that all of the people that I love dearly know.

15.I hate hate hate being alone.

Stop back for more.

Karen

November

This just in ....

It is November 13 and I am doing ok.

November is always hard and I never quit make it through.

I am determined that I will make it this year.

I may cry everyday but I will make it.

I can do this.

Come what may this November,

I will try not to lose it.

More on this later........

Fresh Friday Fotos

I missed my wordless wednesday this week so here they are. I didn't get the pics until Thursday so anyways here they are. Wow! Ya sorry I work nights now and sometimes I run low on sleep and ramble and make things up.

Wordless Wednesday!

Wordless Wednesday

World of Outlaws race date with my nephew Tom.... So much fun he was out by the time the main event started! Had a blast.

It truely is :"The Greatest Show on Dirt!"

Wordless Wednesday!

The Pedicure that changed the world....

(I have been working on this post for a while and struggling with this in my heart as well. This is kinda an all over post. )

Well my whole world anyways


lots of things have been changing for me of late.


I went to get a pedicure this afternoon.


I walked in and I was THE ONLY customer in the whole place.


Kinda strange, I even asked if she was open . Yes she was and I had caught her at a good time because she wasn't busy.


I sit in the spa chair and stick my feet in the lovely warm water and sit back and prepared to relax.


Well that was shortly interrupted by her ripping ( no exaggeration) my anklet off my foot.


The Anklet that I have worn for ,well would have been six years next month, had she not took it off.
A very dear friend gave me that anklet/ bracelet the last time that I saw him before he went to heaven.

I told her that I wanted to put it back on right away.


In her best broken English she said " This is so old and dirty and stinky take it off and let me give massage . You will feel better. You can put on at home. Just relax here.


Sounds a lot like what I have been hearing God say to my heart. Even in the midst of all of my other stuff I have been dealing with their absence in my heart. Maybe because when I am hurting I miss them all the more. Maybe because I know that I wouldn't have gone and done half of what I have had I had to answer to J .


I have heard God say to my heart :"Bring me ALL of your heartaches".

God has been begging to take away the pain of their death and to let me relax and soak my feet in the water.

" Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I'll give you rest." Matt. 11:28



God has been with me and been amazing in my life in many new ways as of late. I just have been hanging on to my own grief. I have been hanging on to the pain afraid too let it go for fear that in letting go of the pain I just might be letting go of them in a way. Afraid of what emotion would replace my pain. Afraid of the unknown.

" Casting all your cares upon Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

I memorized tons of scriptures as a child and in college. And they really do come back to you when you need them to.When I sat in that nail shop and heard the lady echo the words I hear God telling me in my heart I also began to hear these verses in my head .

I began to cry and I really felt a peace come over me, a small peace that I haven't felt at all in my heart since they died. I really knew in my heart at that moment in the spa chair that God felt my pain.


I know that it is just a stupid old discolored plastic bracelet.
I have one heck of a tan line underneath of it .
I know that I have his name tattooed on me and that will be there forever.
I know that no matter what I will always remember and love him deep in my heart, he will be my brother forever.

I think I love this anklet more than anything else that I have of theirs because it is a way to remember him alive and not something that I got after they died.

I put my anklet back on and plan to wear it until it falls off.

I thank God that He knows my heart, He knows my pain and He knows where I get my toes done!

Karen

Wall Clock

In my last blog I told you I had created a clock.

Here it is.

My friend Angie over at http://angellezpage.blogspot.com/
has 12 children .
I was wanting to give her a way to display a photo of all of her kids.
I found this idea in "Good Housekeeping." .
Went to my friend Ray who owns a clock repair shop. He hooked me up with the parts and a chart to set the photos .

I am so proud of my creation.

I wanted to share it with you.

I would love to come to your house and make one for you.

Simple Womans Daybook

I was just thinking I would do something a bit lighter.

Simple Woman's Daybook for Today
June 5, 2010

Outside my window.... well I am now a creepy basement dweller and all the windows are either boarded up or painted over. Which could be bad if it floods or catches fire down here.

I am remembering...all the people that I used to know here ( Grand Island ,Ne) when I lived here long long ago before I ever left for Texas. Most of them are still here and at least half of their lives are the exact same as they used to be. Some even live in the same house. I don't ever live in the same place for to long.

I am thankful for.. that I don't live in the same place to long.

Makes it easy to leave and sometimes even harder to leave once again.

I am creating.. I just got done creating a clock for a friend. I should post that on here. Next blog.

I am going.. to get a bed and a dresser so that I can put stuff away and sleep in my own room in a BED!

I am reading.. Yikes! How embarrassing you have caught me without a book. I usually read at least two a week and sometimes two at a time. I have been kinda taking an unannounced( to me) break from reading. I love to read but sometimes I come to a dry spell. When I don't have a book of any kind in my hands.

I am hoping... to get a job that I love not a job that I need.

I am dreaming of...... Being a mother, a wife, a Best selling author, being a wind farmer. Being a success.... and inside every dream are a thousand little dreams. Head in the clouds

On my mind... a boy..... Now that's for another blog completely.

From the learning rooms... I guess I am re-learning how to get around my home town ( Grand Island, Ne.) and how to get around all this DANG construction.

Noticing that... I really can do this by myself. I am noticing that I am OK. Life is Good!

Pondering these words.. Be the change you want to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi

From the kitchen.. my new roomie James is a Grill Master . He grills almost every night. I actually haven't cooked anything in many many months. ( Note: James is the Husband of my Bestie not a code for my boyfriend whose name is ... well like I said that's for another blog )

Around the house.. My nephew is around . He is three and I love to hear him play on the floor above me when I am downstairs. And I love to play with him and I am looking forward to doing all kinds of things with him again!

One of my favorite things... Right now although I am sure it will be short lived. SLEEP! sleeping in staying up late and sleeping in.

Photo from my album. This is my namesake. Karenina on her first birthday! Which was May 19th. ( the pic has a date stamp on it that I can't get off and it is wrong. )

Dear Abuse,

Dear Abuse,

I have known you all of my life you lived in my house when I was a child and have followed me everywhere I have ever been.
You have had so many first names I almost lost track of who all you have been to me.
Child abuse,child sexual abuse, emotional abuse,physical abuse ,domestic abuse, sexual abuse, abuse of money, abuse of power , verbal abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse ,and self abuse.

I thought that it was normal to have to deal with you at every turn.

But you no longer hold me up, hold me back or hold me down.

I no longer live under you and you are not a part of my life anymore.
It will be hard to find myself without you in my life, you were such a big part of who I am .
But I will be moving on now, This has been a long hard road together and you have brought so much to my life.
You lied to me and made me to believe that I can't do any better with my life.

Living with you were some of the darkest days of my life. You are the bottom. living with you wasn't all that I can be it is the least that I can be.
I have a new scale now; You are the bottom and the moon is the top.
I can now believe that there is a moon and now I am going shoot for it.

You don't own me anymore. You don't scare me anymore.
I am taking my life and all my stuff into my own hands and I will not be needing you anymore.

I am host and producer of this show now. I run things my way here.

I know that this letter arrived without a return address.
I have moved and you won't be coming to my house anymore so you don't need to know where I live now.
Our life long relationship is over.
Its not me it's you.
I just can't stand to be around you anymore.
You don't have anything that I want or need in my life.
You aren't going anywhere and I don't want to go along.

I know that I will see you around in the faces of others.
I'll pray for them.

Don't embarrass your self by knocking on my door.
Karen

Dear Cocaine,

Dear Cocaine,

We have never personally met and I don't even know where you live.

You know several of my friends and family. Maybe you know of me in the same way that I know you.

The reason that I am writing to you is that I have reason to believe that you saved my life.

And for that ;Thanks are in order.

You may remember a very angry friend of yours.

He also was my husband.

I want to thank you for you keeping his anger at bay for so long and helping me to be able to live. Without you in his life I know that things would have only gotten worse for me and his anger would have been increased.

Like last time when he couldn't find you anywhere and lost control and nearly killed me twice in the same day.

He used to beat me regularly, but now that you and he are re-acquainted he has better things to worry about than me.

Things in my marriage had been getting really bad and at first you were a real strain on the pocket book.

But in retrospect I guess that is a small price to pay for my own life.

I cannot say enough thanks to you for all your hard work and generosity.

I have since left my husband, for the sake of those around him, I hope you never do.

You suit him well and make a good mate for him.

Please share this with all of your friends: Marijuana, & Methamphetamine, & any others you may meet with my Ex-husband.

Although you have been of up most service to me;

I pray we never meet again.

Karen

How bad do you want it?

So , as I said last blog I would tell you more of my exit Texas strategy.



Well here it is: Get the heck out of there in the fastest way possible.



So , I started that In January, and just in case you don't have a calendar handy there with you, it is now May.



I realized somewhere around Nov. of last year that I no longer wanted to be in the relationship that I was in.

I saw some really wrong things go on and I cannot live with my conscience and let these things go on.

I realized that Tony and I no longer had anything between us. That our values very 100% different on every account.



I didn't want to spend Christmas with my family so I choose to stay until after the holidays.



In January I came to Nebraska for a visit and as I always do I longed to be "home".

I talked it over with my bestie and it was decided that I was moving home again.



I had no idea what was in store for me as I began to leave.



First of all I had to find a way to gently break this news to Tony. Finding him on a less angry day/mood is Impossible so i kept it to myself waiting for this day to arrive. it never did and things only got worse.

So, to make a LONG Complicated story short I was forced by circumstances to move into a Safe House.

A place where women go to hide because they are involved in Domestic Violence.

I thought that I could get a Protective Order and be on my way in about a week.

But like they say "Everything is bigger in Texas".

This also applies to wait time. It took me 5 weeks and 1 day to get a Protective Order.

In the mean time I am forced to hide out and wait.

I have learned that I am a horrible waiter. Its not so much impatience as I just hate waiting.

I think that I had to prove to someone somewhere that I in fact really did want to leave Texas.

In Order to leave I had a list at least a mile long of errands to run. And every errand turned into at least 3 more.
I went to get my things from storage and found out that I had to come back the next day.
I went to get the oil changed in my car and had to go back 3 times because they broke the window opener thing on my car and then they had to order the part and put it on.

I went to get a spare tire for the car which resulted in 3 trips back to the same place. Just to get a tire.

I had to get a hitch installed on my van in order to pull a trailer . They cancelled my appointment twice and then I had to pay $100.00 more than I was quoted.

SO finally the day before I am set to leave I get everything accomplished and think that it is now behind me.

The day of court I go in and am done at about 9:45 and I am set to wait for them to make me a copy of the order that the judge had just signed.

I wait until 12:15 Two and a half hours to make a copy! are you kidding me. Then I wait for a taxi to pick me up and I wait about two hours.

I then finally drive away and out of Texas! Hallelujah Jesus!

I arrive in Oklahoma where I am set to pick up a trailer and load furniture.

WRONG! THE U-Haul guy that told me he could meet me after hours to pick up a trailer. told me straight up NO he wouldn't work with me even though he told me on the phone that he would. GRRRR

Go to the house where the furniture is only to find that there is about twice the furniture there than what I had in mind .

So, we just leave and drive to outside Oklahoma City.

We just made a 150 mile excursion on to our trip that was pointless.

It is now 3 am and we stop to get a room. I have been waiting all day and I am about to burst with frustration. I take a shower and lay down and sleep.

AHHH what a glorious sleep it was!

Everything has gone to plan since then.

It was just as if the great God of Texas just had to know how bad I really wanted to leave.

I Love Nebraska! I love being home! I love being out of Texas!

And I think that I earned my freedom.

Karen

Catching You Up with me.

So, as you can see I haven't blogged in a LONG time.
The ENTIRE time that I was in Texas I only blogged one time.( YIKES!)
But now that that's over I plan to blog more.


So in the last blog I put that I was back in Texas for "GOOD". Well no I'm not and wasn't I just don't think that Texas is the place for me. Not much good has come from my Texas dwelling.

I have been planning to leave Texas since December of 2009 but plans just didn't come through. (More on this in the next blog.)

I had a great big plan in my head that I could come back to Texas and that things would be right and that everything could be worked through and dealt with and we( Tony(ex-husband) and I) could overcome our past and move on. I had thought that things would be instantly good. Good being defined as: Me pregnant, well behaved children, Tony and I having our own home , him working.
But as it turned out he had a baby in December with someone else and I didn't ever even get pregnant. As it turns out his kids are worse and he is especially unconcerned with all things kids. As it turns out he wants to live in Hell( his Dad's revolving door house).
As it turns out he would rather not work and take the money that I work for and squander it.
As it turns out nothing is fine and nothing can ever be worked out between us.

As it turns out I'm not really me with him. ( never have been)

I had the support of many people and the prayers of so many more.
If you were in that praying number, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
If you were in the action group. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart. Without you I'm sure I would not have made it.

More Next time on the exit strategy.
Please tune in again.